November 29th

I ate as usual today, following my rigid diet that I claim is for bodybuilding, however I believe it is partly for bodybuilding and partly eating disordered. I am hungry now, but I don't want to eat. I'm not anxious about it, I just don't want to. I have thought about purging when I downed 6 candy bars and chips. I only exercised and returned to my "normal" diet.
A few weeks ago I slept over my grandparents house and binged off of an entire half gallon of icecream within 12 hours. I didn't puke, I didn't starve to compensate, however I did exercise compulsively and dieted until my diet felt as if I'd been on it for years. I was ashamed of my binge and refused to see family on thanksgiving, family parties, and dinners. Shame is a very powerful emotion; it isolates you from everything and everyone.
Sometimes I am too ashamed to write this, to admit my binges.

November 10th

Lately I have been isolating myself. When I am surrounded by a group of people I feel alone, different and when I am alone I feel safe. When alone I begin to wonder why I'm alone, why noone reaches out to me, a contradiction between safety and insecurity. I push people away, run from lovers but wonder why I'm alone.  Sometimes I run away to see who will follow and when noone does I believe I'd be better off dead. How dramatic. Without the drama I'd be bored, I'd be dull. I live such a boring life, all alone, in solitude that I need drama. I create my own drama. I pity myself and sulk and complain, "Why me."

Eating disordered people love attention; they crave it. We hookup with strangers for attention, because we want attention to feel secure and because we want to feel good enough. We want to feel wanted. Maybe if we're being fucked, fingers running down the bear boney back we'll be wanted. We don't want to be alone, but yet we isolate ourselves because of fear. Fear of rejection and fear of feeling like an outcast; the reasons why we isolate ourselves in the first place. We hate ourselves for that; why aren't we normal? We trade in all of our pain, insecurity, self loathe, shame, confusion for puking, starving, needles and cigarettes thinking it may teach us to not feel or need. It does though; eating disorders are all about needing, like reassurance and love we need food...or we die.

Eating disorders are simply a way to cope with the dull and painful and lonely parts of life. We create drama to think about something other than other feelings; how fucking pathetic and alone we really are. We need to cope with hating ourselves and feeling worthless. We do; we call ourselves fat and diet down to 300 calories a day until we're in the pantry gorging down everything from candy bars to cereal and ice-cream. We magically appear over a toilet with a glass of water, sink running, shower running, fan on - our procedures for when we are about to vomit up everything we binged off of. We stare into the mirror, bloodshot eyes "fat, fat, fat, you're fat and disgust and pathetic. I hate you," we tell ourselves. We cry because we cannot comprehend hating ourselves. We should be the one loving ourselves unconditionally because nobody in this world will ever love us. We know this and without self-love we have nobody, nothing except a diminishing waistline, uncontrollable heartbeat, and an empty soul.

November 7th

Madness is defined as the state of being mentally ill, esp. severely and extremely foolish behavior. Madness is waking crying, pulling out your hair, throwing a fresh bowl of pasta in garbage because your workout that night wasn't good enough. Madness is skipping school, smoking cigarette after cigarette trying to decide if you want to be recovered, if you want to be well.

Madness is leaving everyone; detaching yourself from society because you're not good enough. You see whispering and think it's about you; you hear voices of insecurity in your head about who you are, how you look. You are mad. You miss dangerously fast pounding of your heart, waiting to explode out of your chest.  Hating yourself, in a way is madness. How can you of all people hate yourself? You do not understand this.

You yell at the mirror, throwing something at it breaking it, "You're pathetic and ugly and gross. Nobody likes you. Faggot. God hates faggots." You cry. The glass falls out of the mirror, you don't have to see yourself now; seven years of bad luck, but it doesn't matter because when you've been this low you do not need luck, nor have you ever had it. This is madness.

Now, an hour later you go to the kitchen, anxious as hell, fill a bowl of something - any food. You take small bites. You hate it but you need to eat - you're a bodybuilder. Bodybuilding for me is a way to recover; it forces me to eat, trading the obsession of thinness for muscle. I need to eat now.  

November 1st

I haven't posted lately..partly because I am doing a lot better. Working out, eating a lot, enjoying life, friends, and family. Today, however, was different. It has been a few months since I've starved, purged, and exercised compulsively. Today I ate 2 apples, some chicken, and wheat pasta with olive oil and veggies (all under or around 1,000 calories). I go to the gym, high off of a preworkout drink, twitching, I run for 9 minutes. Stop. Too tired. I fail. I cry. I leave gym. Buy cigarettes, smoke cigarettes, binge off of 20 candy bars, puke, cry.

I live in a world of sadness and pain and hate and confusion. I provide myself with my own little drama called an eating disorder so I don't have to face reality. I don't have to face confrontation, hatred, and pain. I don't have to deal with criticisms of highschool snobs for my shoes not matching my shirt, and my hair too thick, too thin,, too short, too long. An eating disorder provides me with a way to cope with life; people with eating disorders can't cope or, in my extreme opinion, handle life.

I am working very hard on trying to focus on my feelings and let myself feel emotional pain. An eating disorder is a coping mechanism. It's a way to forget reality. We are deep thinkers - that's why we are eating disordered - we aren't in denial - we don't want to think - we want to forget. We are afraid of everything. We are afraid of living and loving and being happy and being judged and being hated and maybe even being loved. We cheat, lie, run, binge, purge, snort. We are not happy. 

October 13th

My eating disorder turned my life around; it changed me in every way. I feel like free. There's a certain freedom in knowing you could die after taking diet pill after diet pill until you're in the emergency room, dehydrated, with IVs hooked up to you and nurses running around as you sit there smiling - nibbling on a bag of pretzels that you'll throw up as soon as poison control let's you leave. You smile because you're getting exactly what you want. You get everyone around your hospital bedside crying over you. You're special. There's freedom in knowing you could die from organ failure and heart failure. It becomes exciting. Your life becomes unpredictable - which is a contradiction because you are a perfectionist; everything needs to be in order, on time. You think in all-or-nothing terms. You are either starving, organized and structured or you fall off binging, purging, snorting cocaine, running from guy to guy leaving their bed before they wake. You can't sustain perfection so you lose control. That to us is freedom - for a short time - until anxiety makes us go back. We are anxious people. That could be why we have an eating disorder; anxiety could drive us to starve our bodies. Anxiety could makes us ill.

We never fully recover. The anxiety never leaves. We take a bit of a burger on a bun, scoop up some mashed potatoes soaked in butter - take a bite. Chew. Swallow. That for us is success. We finish it all. We do not purge or exercise compulsively or take 30 laxatives and 10 diet pills. We however are not recovered. People look at us, they smile, we walk away - we cry. It's so hard to bring that burger to the mouth. It's harder to chew. It's even harder to shallow. For some it might be even harder to not purge. But we consumed the food and it stays down. We feel out of control, anxious, imperfect. We have lost. We cry ourselves to sleep holding on to the waist; a size 0, hoping our hips don't grow, hoping the ass doesn't expand and the stomach doesn't blow up like a balloon. Impossible is what rationality tells us; however the disorder, our mental illness that we do not recover fully from tells us we are worthless, we lose, we are imperfect. We believe it so we isolate ourselves. This is not recovery. There is no recovery. 

October 11th

How can something so innocent become an addiction. How can being ashamed of yourself turn into fucking hating yourself so much. When you hate yourself so much, when you're so lonely the human mind can not comprehend this. You do not understand how you can have everything and yet something is missing. At 18 you can't analyze this; it's too hard. You begin to innocently cut calories to lose weight, because maybe something superficial can give you what you need. That, however, is only in the short term. Cutting calories turns into starving the body. The starving turns into puking, drugs, cigarettes, sex, cheating, lying. It's a way to cope with being gay, being imperfect, hating your flaws. You do not understand. Being lonely is an awful feeling. If you don't understand - how can anyone else? You begin to get close to someone because you are lonely. It's unbearable. You need to fill the void. Maybe that's what will help you recover. Maybe a piece of you doesn't want to recover though; however if you don't, you die. Maybe that's what we want somedays, most days it's not. You getting close to someone doesn't make you feel any less lonely; it in fact makes you more lonely because not being understood by someone that should understand is worse than not being understood and being alone. So we fuck, we leave, we don't call back. We feel nobody understands. We get into relationships for support, reassurance, affection, attention, love; however we cheat because we don't get the reassurance we are looking for. Our views on relationships are fucked up, we are mentally sick. Without this reassurance we are looking for and cannot find, we become lonelier. We cheat, we fuck, we cry, we purge, we leave. We blame then punish ourselves. We want to feel pain because we deserve it.

We smoke a cigarette, go to sleep, wake up, run, eat two eggs, drink a glass of milk, puke, pop 12 diet pills. You forget what normal is. You begin to go insane. People take sanity for granted. Sometimes the crazy person isn't the old woman walking down the street with a shopping cart filled with cans in a plastic garbage bag; it's a boy walking, wearing fur boots on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette waiting until the street is empty so he can go behind a tree a throw up his lunch.

Keeping this a secret makes us lonelier. We hate keeping secrets.. we want to tell, but telling would get us in the hospital. It would be admitting there's a problem - and in the beginning when it's innocent there is no problem - it's good. People look at us and smile because we've lost weight (weight we didn't need to lose - but society is so fucked up that when someone who's already underweight loses more weight, we congratulate them.) After awhile we become sick; 68 pounds and 5 foot 11. People look a way. We become skeletons. We are lonelier than before. Telling isn't an option - at least not right away. 

October 7th

Fasting- a word we use because we don't believe we are starving. We are doing the body good. We "fast" for days. Shaking hands, thin wobbling knees, eyes sunken in. "No, I don't have HIV...I have anorexia."

Soon you can't fast anymore. You begin to shake. Your feet start moving uncontrollably. You have an anxiety attack. You think you're dying. Your head begins to spin, you're dizzy. "One cracker," is what you tell yourself- "that's the limit." You find yourself on the couch with your hand wrapped around your waist, measuring - to digging in the pantry on your knees through everything. Pouring brown sugar, honey, more sugar, pancake batter, butter, syrup all into a bowl. You eat it. You have three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, half gallon of icecream, bag of Family Sized chips, cookies, candy that isn't yours, and soda. You down a whole liter of soda- then find cans of energy drinks and gulp them.

"What the fuck have I done," I say looking at myself in the mirror thinking 15 pounds will magically appear on my ass in seconds. "You have no self control. You're fat and gross. You are a fat, disgusting ugly faggot." You begin to cry- you can't take looking at yourself in the mirror.

You run to the bathroom, throw yourself onto your knees in front of the toilet. You worship the toilet, like you worship the spot behind your house where you go when people are home. You put your fingers down your throat. This is familiar, this is easy because your gag reflex is sensitive. You begin to throw up. There's the peanut butter and jelly. There goes the vanilla icecream and chocolate candy bars. After awhile when there's nothing but water, blood, and bile you stop. It's over- it's gone. The puking is over but you're not completely done. You pop in twenty diet pills in your mouth and after an hour you're on the toilet shitting. You have diarrhea and that's ok.

Now you need a few days of starving and living off of appetite suppressants, cigarettes, sugarfree gum, and reduced calorie peanut butter, and 9 mile runs everyday to compensate for what you've done.

Then comes the dreaded weigh-in at the doctors. You step on, close your eyes. I can't be. I can't fucking be. 126- I've lost weight. How? I step off, step on, step off, step on. Cry.

This is anorexia nervosa. This is my story. This is hard to write because I want to go back. But I can't.

October 7th

This blog post is kind of scattered, like me. My thoughts are all over the place. This blog might not make sense.

In my opinion an eating disordered person has a lot of issues with growing up. This might be why we regress. It might, for some people, be the reason for starving; to go back. Then we become children again. We get attention and begin to rely on someone else.
When you grow up attention isn't always going to be on you, unless you do something crazy- which eating disordered people do for publicity. When we do something outrageous and it all goes wrong and we get the publicity we wanted, we crawl in a hole and hibernate. "Pity me. I hate myself. I fucked up. It's my fault. I fail." It's a way to hate yourself. We hate ourselves so much that we find reasons to hate ourselves even more. The pimple, saggy ass, big chin, thick hair, terrible jaw structure. We leave, delete numbers, deactivate Facebook all because we are ashamed of ourselves; ashamed of the publicity we originally wanted. So we try to get forgotten. After awhile, when the publicity dies down, we begin to associate with society again. We begin to act like perfectionists until we get sick of it, because we can't be perfect forever. Acting insane all because we want attention; all because we want to regress. It's all a contradiction. We are not perfect. Then we do something crazy and when everything seems crazy, everything gets crazy. We binge. We purge. We get high. Starving isn't dramatic enough. It doesn't give us publicity.

Eating disorders are about insecurities. We are so fucking ridiculously insecure that we rely on other people for reassurance. Am I good? Was I ok? Do I look ok? Doctors and eating disorder specialists don't encourage this. This type of reassurance that will feed the disordered thinking. Insecurities make us not think we're good enough to succeed, to be committed. We meet guys, we fuck, we leave because we aren't good enough to stay. We might get rejected. We don't think we can compete with the rest of the world. We want to stay but if we do we might get hurt.

We're selfish. It's all about us. We love drama because life is boring. We are often pessimists. We're insecure. We are perfectionist, attention-seeker, competitive, self loathing, anxiety driven, obsessive, and angry. We don't take out our anger out in the world, that's not fair, so we take it out on ourselves and when we've done so much damage to ourselves we take it out on our love interests. We fight, we cheat, we leave. That makes us hate ourselves more because we hate how we treat them; it's so hard to respect someone you're supposed to love, when you don't even respect yourself.

We don't think we're good enough, so we associate being good enough with being thin. We get thinner and thinner until we're nothing because we want so badly to be good enough. To be perfect; to understand ourselves.

September 30th

I hate missing someone, I hate needing because needing is too much pain, too much missing. I wouldn't want to feel anything.

Why?

Because it's too painful. An eating disorder numbs our emotions. It's a way to say "fuck you" to our feelings; to the world. The puking and starving, in the beginning, teaches us how to not need. We reject food and focus on getting to our goal weight. In the end the puking and starving turns into needing. Everything is a contradiction. The starving leads to the constant hunger pangs that causes a binge. You stuff and gorge and gorge and gorge because in fact you do need. The pains in your side become unbearable. You twitch, you begin to shake. The binging shows that we do need. Like food, we need love- love that we usually run away from because of fear.

It never goes away. When we hurt or need or feel the urges come back. You think about starving until it's unbearable, then you stuff and puke and take laxatives and diuretics and snort cocaine to forget and lose and chainsmoke cigarettes and take diet pills, fat burners, and speed. Speed to keep us awake..because we're afraid if we fall asleep we'll dream about food. We'll dream about needing something so bad when you don't even want it. Food is like love in that way.

September 27th

I wake up, it's my birthday - I start breakfast, I'm not hungry but I eat anyway. I can only finish half the plate. The rest I put the fridge for later. I'm a bodybuilder now; bodybuilders eat. Everything goes according to plan on my 18th birthday until eight o'clock in the evening. I pour some Cheerios into a bowl, take a bite, dump the rest. I'm starving but if I eat I might purge or cry or both. I think of going back; back to starving, binging, diuretics, cigarettes, appetite suppressants, fat burners, tea and gum instead of food. I think about cocaine, crystal meth, ipecac syrup (which induces vomiting), and laxatives. I think about my irregular heart beat that even now could fail on me. I think about my poor  esophagus and ulcers that could for in my stomach from purging. I think about the kidney problems from the diuretics, and the knee problems from compulsive exercise. Lastly I think about how I am 18; I think about my family and friends and my future and I know if I did go back I would die this time, because escaping death the first time was a miracle.

I wonder about my future and that scares me. I think about failure. I think about making so many people unhappy. I think about death and God. I cannot die, because I'm too afraid. I have the will to live and the will to fight for love and life and friends and family. I cannot die now. A piece of me is giving up on everything because a part of me is afraid of life and losing control.

September 23rd

Why do I always leave? William and I have been dating for about a month now. It's getting boring for me. I keep distancing myself, not realizing it until I look back and analyze. I think I like the attention he gives me, however I don't think I genuinely like him like I should.I like attention from many people and I like new attention.

New attention is attention I get from someone when we're first meeting. I like the mystery. After awhile, you get to know someone well, and it gets boring. The mystery goes away and their flaws come out. I hate the chase because that means I have to chase them and that means if I'm really interested in them I might get rejected and that would hurt. I do like when they chase after me. I like guys who are popular with the other guys. It makes me feel like when I have them I won - especially when I don't try to get them and they come after me. Eating disordered people are highly competitive- although I'm not aggressively trying to get someone, I present myself a certain way, acting like I don't care. But I do. Although I hate competition I like knowing that I was the one that was chosen.

 Now you have them. You won your little game. You've fucked them and realized they aren't as good in bed as you imagined. Now, 6 months in you get to go home to them where they provide for you and hold you in their arms every night, so you begin to push them away. You begin to think, "that was easy." Then you move on. It's all a game.

You hate yourself because of what you do. You don't understand. It might be too much to understand at 18 years old - so the only way to cope is by starving, puking, gorging, and getting high all so you can avoid yourself - the person you understand the least, and hate the most.

But why do I run away when something great comes along? William and I went to an event in Albany on Pearl Street. They had live music and food. I didn't eat although I was starving. I met up with a guy and his friends. His name is Keenon. He's 16 and we met through mutual friends online through the social networking site Facebook. This was our first time meeting. We had been messaging eachother and eventually texting eachother. I met him and was infactuated. I was intrigued. He was tall and mysterious. I haven't stopped thinking about him since that night. What's even worse is he is texting me and I'm supposed to go to his homecoming game this Friday night. He's been calling me throughout the day, everyday since we've met. I find myself fantasizing about being with him. I start thinking things could be better if I was with him instead of Will. I know this isn't true because I'll just leave him. It seems once I'm confident in getting someone and I have them, in love with me, I leave. I leave when things could start getting serious - so they never do.

Will has been good to me. While Keenon and his friends and I were all hanging out and talking it started raining. Will ran in the pouring rain to his car, more than a mile away, and drove back to pick me up so I wouldn't get wet. I felt awful. I hugged Keenon goodbye and left.

September 22nd

Wanting the eating disorder to come back isn't for me to lose weight anymore. I am happier when I am eating and working out. I am happier with my appearance when I am training for something, like a bodybuilding competition or fitness modeling. It's now about what it does to me. I like how the eating disorder serves as a crutch, as an excuse. I try to make everyone think it's only about body image - and I myself am beginning to figure out that it's not. I did a good job making myself believe that it was about something totally different.

During my short few weeks in recovery I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned I am extremely ashamed of my sexuality. It doesn't come off that way though. I'm happy I'm gay but I feel like an outcast because of it. I feel like it's harder to make straight male friends. I'm ashamed of my personality. It's pretty fucking shitty. I hate myself because I need attention and I'm so fucking emotional; I'm so sensitive. I can't keep a relationship, and I treat people like shit.

When you realize you have noone and nothing except a body you begin to cherish it; which becomes a contradiction when you begin to harm your body. In the beginning it isn't harming it, it is helping it. It is making it thinner. Subconsciously it's about escaping reality because dealing with life and growing up and everything you fear and hate about yourself is too painful to deal with. After awhile you realize what you are really doing; except it's too late - you're in too deep and you like what you do to yourself because you're such a shitty person and you think you deserve the pain you inflict on yourself. You begin to think nobody cares so you isolate yourself. What begins to matter is the one thing that you believe won't let you down - your body; but the body, like anything, fails. It begins to turn on you. It fights to stay alive and now everyone hates you including yourself, including your body. You feel even worse because you are losing. Losing life, control (which is the only thing you really have so you how on to), you also lose family and friends.
          
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An eating disorder in my opinion is the loneliest disease because you isolate and leave everyone. Soon leaving becomes the only thing you're good at other than starving yourself...but really eating disordered people aren't good at starving because we break down and binge. That's failing. So we do what we're good at: we leave. In some cases we use people for things then leave. We use people for sex because there's nothing better than being used for you're thin, boney body. That for us is reassurance. We are also in control, which we want. Lastly we are getting attention because we love it. We get the attention and intimacy we want, then leave on our terms so we're in control - not them. We get to leave first so we don't get hurt because God-for-bid if we get hurt it's the end of the world. We're weak people who can't handle life, because life is too messy and scary and crazy and if something happens it might send us out of control. Again an eating disorder is a crutch, it's a way to kill ourselves because everything is too overwhelming and confusing and chaotic and out of control. No we can't just put a gun to our heads and pull the trigger- it's too easy, it's too scary.

September 21st - part 2

I'm holding on to my eating disorder because it serves as an excuse, as a crutch. When I'm puking, binging, starving, getting high, and dying I have to think about that and only that. I don't have to think about how I mess up relationships, how I'm needy, lonely, ashamed, self loathing, insecure, and how I treat people like shit. When I'm in recovery, like I am now, I find myself thinking more about doing eating disorder behaviors when I don't want to deal with my problems or emotions or feelings or a tough day.

 I crave attention. I like being liked...I give people an attitude to make them not like me so they have an excuse not to so I can say "see I'm giving you a reason not to like me." If I didn't give a reason I'd be trying to figure out why people don't like me anyway. It's all a contradiction. An attitude for me is simply a defensive mechanism for getting hurt. When I'm hurt I just give someone an attitude. I become an asshole. All because i''m extremely sensitive and insecure. 

Someday I wish I could go back because living with an eating disorder is a lot easier than dealing with life and growing up. An eating disorder for me is also not wanting to grow up and be treated like a typical person. So I regress trying to be that young kid where everything I do and say is cute. Eating disorders make people regress sometimes - another tactic to escape reality.

September 21st - New

I am working out and feeling better most days, physically. However I do still have urges to purge and starve. Days when I eat more or unhealthier or days when I don't workout or workout "good enough" makes me want to purge and starve even more. I have the urge to purge more than starve, although I still want to starve.

I've been having issues with people lately...everywhere I go. I have this thing where I look at people to see if they look at me and when they do look at me I don't look away..and they keep looking at me- and I don't look away until they look away first. That usually gets into a dirty look contest or they turn to their friends and start whisper and look at me even more. Sometimes they even start laughing. I automatically assume it's about my weight..which makes me want to purge and starve even more. What if they think I'm fat? In reality I know it's not about my weight. I reassure myself because I know I'm not fat. It's something else. But what? Sometimes I think it's about my sexuality - when men anyway. If I'm staring at a straight man and they know I'm gay it might come off as me interested when in reality I'm not.

So I keep staring and get defensive. I turn into this defensive, bitter, angry person who treats everyone like shit all because I'm insecure and afraid that maybe if I don't look that maybe people will look at me with disgust behind my back. I look at myself with disgust anyway. I treat people like shit so they'll have a reason to not like me, rather than me be completely nice and still not be liked. That would hurt more because there really wouldn't be a reason. If there's a reason why someone doesn't like me then maybe it's less pain.

September 16th

80 calorie nonfat Greek frozen yogurt with low fat granola and banana

September 1st - Losing Control

Funny how I think I'm in control. I'm not. I'm losing control. I'm sanity. I'm losing everything.

Losing control is binging off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, crackers, tortilla chips, and a half gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Losing control is throwing it up after while crying on my aching knees over a toilet.

Losing control is starving the next day despite my irregular heart beats.

Losing control is isolating yourself from the world because you're ashamed of yourself; like eating is a sin.

Losing control is exercising despite your shaking knees.

Losing control is having nightmares of food being forced down your throat.

Losing control is randomly crying when you should be laughing, because your life is just so out of control. 

This isn't recovery or relapse...this is losing control. 

August 29th - goodnight

My mother has been gone all day with her boyfriend. They drove out to Rochester to drop off her boyfriend's son for college. I woke up this morning to her gone and she and her boyfriend came back at 8:00 pm. She treats me differently when I'm around her and him - which makes me feel like shit. She is stricter and whenever I act like myself (for example laughing loud or dancing to loud music) she'll give me the look - like I'm in trouble or I should stop. It happened from 8:00 until I couldn't handle it anymore at around 8:45. I consumed my last snack at 8:30. I had a slice of toast with peanut butter and jelly and a small piece of tilapia with tomatoes. She makes me feel self conscious. She makes me feel like I can't be myself...so I walk off and act angry, which gets her mad at me because I can't be angry in front of her boyfriend. Maybe because we're supposed to act perfect in front of him. Maybe I'm not allowed to show emotion...then I cry. Crying is why I was leaving the room. Anger is the coverup. After I'm done crying, I'm still not satisfied- because I feel pathetic and useless and unimportant for two reasons: 1. She's been gone all day with a man and his kids 2. Maybe I'm not important anymore. Maybe him and his kids are her new family. Maybe she has a new happy ending. And what makes me even sadder is that I really don't care. So I puke up the fish and tomatoes and keep going until the toilet water is brown and I taste peanut butter, wheat, and jelly in my mouth. It's a lot easier to engage in self harming behaviors when you have nothing to lose. I have nothing - or so it seems.

August 29th - Work On

I am stressed about my senior year of high school and starting college in January. How am I supposed to
do everything I need plus everything I want? I'll have school and work. How will I workout? Maintaining a nice physique because you need to workout often enough, intense enough, and for long enough. You need to eat clean, often, and time every meal. That takes work and time. It seems a lot easier to stay in shape by by starving and purging

August 27th

My bones are brittle, my joints hurt, my gag reflex is sensitive, my overuse injuries still linger, my heart still beats irregularly sometimes (and it scares me), my growth has been stunted, I have constant hunger pangs, and my stomach randomly hurts at times; so no I am not going to have a happy ending...I'm only 18. I wake up everyday feeling the effects of what I've done to my body. My anxiety is still present. My OCD is still very much out of control. Everyday I want to go back because somehow it seems living with an eating disorder is a lot easier than dealing with the reminders and recovery and relapses. Somehow dying seems to be the better alternative. I haven't gone running without pain in months or swam. Even when I am weight lifting I still feel the pain from my knees (even when lifting upper body body parts). I've been through physical therapy and many doctors specializing in bones. I know it's more than overuse and overtraining. What I've done to myself is unforgivable. This is a combination of exercise compulsion and lack of nutrition to make my body function. 

August 26th

I've been keeping a log of my calories. I log every calorie and food that I eat down in a journal. I feel like the Doctor's don't care about how I feel..and expect me to eat. What if I'm emotionally better starving and purging?

I haven't checked the scale in weeks either. I refuse. I know I've put on muscle, because my muscles are looking bigger. More muscle=higher weight. Higher weight (even though it's good weight) will still put me over the edge and send me back to place that was my darkest place. The place where diet pills were my best friend and spending nights alone in the bathroom over the toilet was my idea of a good time. My darkest place is when eating over 1,000 calories was considered a sin...and anything over was binge. I'm proud to say I am doing much better than I was...but from how I feel now - I don't think it'll ever be O.K. again - like before the eating disorder. At the gym I've hired and bodybuilding coach, Carole, who is working with me not only with my workouts, but nutritionally and also following my eating disorder recovery status. She weighs me and has me close me eyes. My dietitian weighs me too and I step on the scale backwards. I watch them write down in their notepad my weight and I want to so badly snatch it out of their hand and read it - but I can't...I know what it would do to me.

August 26th - Family

I had an awful weekend. I stayed up at my family's camp for a long weekend with family. There were family feuds and arguments (that I believe if I wasn't there wouldn't have happened) and food...tons and tons of food. Everyday there I consumed meat and carbs (potato salad) and saturated fats and pastries (lemon bars, cupcakes with sugary frosting, and cookies). It was a binge - I couldn't just have one. I also didn't exercise while there. I puked three times. During the fights with my sister over her husband and my uncle about my father and his girlfriend I felt terrible about myself. I looked in the mirror and thought, "No wonder you need to diet and workout and puke and starve and lift and show off your abs...that's all you have. You can't be impressive with pulling family together or healing wounds. You love drama; you like seeing them fight as my uncle and sister fought. Maybe if I wasn't there that would have never happened.

I asked if I was fat and I got the scariest answer. They don't think I'm fat...but they see me as normal. Normal? I'm not normal. All that dieting makes me normal? Working out until my knees give out makes me normal? My uncle jokingly told me I should eat because I deserve to be fat. My sister's husband made someother weight remark picking fun at my obviously self conscious behaviors. I ran to the bathroom and told myself "You are not average, you are beautiful, you are fucking perfect." As the dreaded lake and boating events began I knew my clothes would have to come off at some point. When they did I was surprised how impressed everyone was with my physique. They of course were joking around and being overly enthusiastic about it - but I could tell they were genuine, like friends, strangers, and everyone else that I do have a great body. It might seem average with clothes on...but without clothes it's above that.

I can't manage relationships with friends, family, and lovers...so at least I can diet and workout to have a decent body...but how good is that when they only stare for so long. What happens when something interesting happens and I can't be the center of attention. What will I do? I know...puke maybe. Or maybe when the attention goes away from me I binge off of cookies and cake - which I did. Then I puked.

August 22nd - Update and Relationships

Hello,


The eating disorder has gotten better. I haven't take diet pills or diuretics in a while. I've been tempted to smoke and buy laxatives. I haven't been compulsive with my cardio (I need to do LOW cardio because I'm bulking for a bodybuilding competition. Bodybuilders can't do cardio often when bulking). I haven't binged or purged much. That's the tricky part right now. And lastly I've been tempted to starve myself, but haven't because I'm bulking.

I spoke to my therapist today. She believes I am confused with what I want. Obviously I'm insecure and figuring everything out. She gave me insight on myself today. I love attention, true. I want a man to give me attention but I want the newness and excitement in the relationship - but yet I want stability and reassurance and love. I push people away to see who will stay and maybe even who won't so I can say "See I told ya...I knew you'd leave." And I'm so lonely and wrapped up in trying to be perfect on the outside that I'm fucking up on the inside...which therefore makes me feel worse because I'm not really perfect. Perfect people are supposed to have a great personality and looks and body. I wonder what makes me attractable to guys. I wonder if I did get a boyfriend if he'd stay faithful and if I'd be his one and only. I know guys are easy to get into bed..so what stops a man from cheating. They're all so easy. Maybe I isolate myself and fuck up every relationship is because I'm just afraid. Afraid of rejection; afraid of commitment; afraid I might actually be happy and start to need. Maybe if I need someone too much they'll have me trapped in a world where they can mess with my head because I'd be vulnerable and in love. Maybe the puking is good for two reasons; one for the obvious reason (to get rid of calories) and the second reason to make the pain and confusion about myself on the inside hurt on the outside too. It's a distraction. Eating disorders are a distraction. It's about control (in my case control over others. Love, rejection, loss). It's about hating yourself so much that maybe if you lose weight or harm yourself until your over a toilet throwing up your own bile - that maybe you'll be distracted from the real issue. In my case the issue is on the inside. My fear of relationships. Cheating, lying, death, leaving, falling. Eating disorders are to escape the bitter, messy part of life that is inevitable. The chores, the failed relationships, the excitement of someone new, death, life, pain, fear, the bills.

So I continue to fuck up things that could be great. Sleeping with people I don't want...just so I can be needed. And feel needed until the next morning when I leave...so I can say "at least they didn't leave me."

August 16th

I guess a part of me wants to get better because I want to let go; I want to move on and start a new life. I want to support eating disordered people and be a bodybuilder and live to be old and fall in love - but another piece of me doesn't want to get better because what if my injuries don't heal and I can't be a bodybuilder. And what if I don't have time to be a bodybuilder (that makes me anxious because school and work and other things that will have to come first to survive above bodybuilding. How will I make it all happen). I don't wanna recover because maybe I'm afraid to get old because of what constant "What Ifs" in my head and the fear of rejection and love and sex and responsibility. Maybe I want to die so I can stop these racing thoughts. Maybe I don't think I'll make it in the real world; maybe I won't accomplish my dreams without my mother. What if I can't survive without her. So I starve and binge and purge and exercise just to make it better - so none of it matters; just my weight. Maybe if I lose more weight nothing else will matter. I'm basically afraid of the unknown - so control (which in the end becomes a lack of control) takes over and I try so desperately to control everything I can..but I only hurt myself..and I actually like it and want more of it. I'm afraid that maybe my injuries won't heal and I can't be this great bodybuilder and maybe I'm afraid what happens after this life and afraid of the next. I'm afraid of human interactions - afraid of falling in love and disappointing


Things to work on for recover

1. Learn to stop the binging
                  Why am I always hungry
                   Why can't I stop after I indulge when I eat enough

2. Why am I still injured
                    This makes me want to go back to my eating disorder behaviors (lack of hope for healing)

3. Learn to love myself

4. Get well without turning one compulsion for another

August 15th

I trained abs hardcore at the gym today, did some biceps, and quads. To end it all I did the stairmaster.

Tonight I binged and threw up and tomorrow I will starve to compensate for whatever happened tonight.

I guess I cheated..because bodybuilders don't binge and purge and starve...bodybuilders suck it up until their next workout. "hey everyone look at me - a joke- a lie. I'm not a bodybuilder. I'm an eating disorder trying to be a bodybuilder. I'm a wannabe. I'll always be an eating disorder.

August 14th

Today is my day off from the gym. I guess everything is looking how it should for a newbie bodybuilder. Muscles are growing and building and everything is perfect normal. But to me everything is not normal. Everything is chaotic. I look in the mirror and stare at my muscles thinking 'you look good. You look like a bodybuilder. You're getting there.' Then I see my thighs. I wonder if my muscle in my thighs in being mistaken for nasty, fatty thighs. I can't trust my own brain and I have no idea if this is reality..so I rely on other people for reassurance. With reassurance I can stay motivated and know that I DO LOOK GREAT; I AM GREAT; I WILL MAKE IT.

The recovery part of the eating disorder is the worst. I never want to eat again, but I have to...I have goals and dreams. And it just so happens that my dreams require me to eat. How ironic.

What is happening???

That's a very good question. My meeting with Carole went well today. She wants me eating more than I currently am now. I ate 5,000 calories today. I guess that's what bodybuilders do. If you want muscle you gotta eat. But now I'm starting to wonder if this is what I really want. What I want right now is to throw up everything I ate today and starve and puke and starve and take diet pills until the pain is gone. When you hate yourself that so much you think you need to harm yourself to become "perfect" is the worst thing that a person can feel. Feeling worthless, like nobody cares. I want to cry. And after my granola bar with plain  greek yogurt and granola on top I blog like people actually rush to their computer to read my posts. At the end of the day it comes down to this: Nobody cares. And for me that's okay...because I turn people not caring into needing and wanting to lose weight. I'm trying so hard to keep the food down.

“This is the very boring part of eating disorders, the aftermath. When you eat and hate that you eat. And yet of course you must eat. You don’t really entertain the notion of going back. You, with some startling new level of clarity, realize that going back would be far worse than simply being as you are. This is obvious to anyone without an eating disorder. This is not always obvious to you.”- Marya Hornbacher

Quotes

“The leap of faith is this: You have to believe, or at least pretend you believe until you really believe it, that you are strong enough to take life face on. Eating disorders, on any level, are a crutch. They are also an addiction and illness, but there is no question at all that they are quite simply a way of avoiding the banal, daily, itchy pain of life. Eating disorders provide a little drama, they feed into the desire for constant excitement, everything becomes life-or-death, everything is terribly grand and crashing, very Sturm and Drang. And they are distracting. You don't have to think about any of the nasty minutiae of the real world, you don't get caught up in that awful boring thing called regular life, with its bills and its breakups and its dishes and laundry and groceries and arguments over whose turn it is to change the litter box and bedtimes and bad sex and all that, because you are having a real drama, not a sitcom but a GRAND EPIC, all by yourself, and why would you bother with those foolish mortals when you could spend hours and hours with the mirror, when you are having the most interesting sado-machistic affair with your own image?”


I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. 

How am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?

 "Every day, every fucking day, you run up the steps of the house, breathing hard, swing open the cupboards, thinking: You pitiful little bitch. Fucking cow. Greedy pig. All day, your stomach pinches and spits up its bile. You sway when you walk. You begin to get cold again." 


Some use (sex as) the limited pleasure it brings as a fleeting reminder that the body can, in fact, feel something, anything, other than hunger. But that, too, backfires, because the desire for sex is a hunger in and of itself.



 The fear, too, is a fear of yourself: a completely dualistic and contradictory fear. On the one hand it is a fear that you do not have what it takes to make it, and on the other hand, a possibly greater fear that you DO have what it takes, and that by definition you therefore also have a responsibility to do something REALLY BIG. It's a little daunting, going out into the world with this state of mind. Most people go out with a general idea that they'll do something or other and that it will be okay. You go out with the certainty that you will be a failure from the outset, or that you will have to do something utterly stellar, which implies the potential for failure anyway. When I was growing up, I always felt there was an expectation that I would do one of two things: be Great at something, or go crazy and become a total failure. There is no middle ground where I came from. And I am only now beginning to get a sense that there is middle ground at all.

Through Recovery - part 1

Recovery sometimes sucks. Last night I had icecream (about a well portioned half cup). It was chocolate chip cookie dough. Not only did I eat it because I saw it sitting in the fridge and it looked good... but I had it to prove I won't gain fat, weight, or lose my six pack abs. I had it to make me stronger. That obviously doesn't mean I'm going to be comfortable eating ice cream on a regular basis, but I tried it - fought through the anxiety - and it's over, done...never to be done again. Obviously ED is still lingering through my blog posts, but it doesn't go away. Today is a back, triceps, and quadriceps day at the gym. After my workout I have an appointment with an eating disorder specialist, nutritional counselor, personal trainer, and bodybuilding prep trainer. It's convenient because she's right there at my gym. I can't wait to work with her and put on some muscle.

I am going to try to not turn this new bodybuilding lifestyle and goal into an unhealthy obsession. I will practice a lot of moderation and balance. This could be the start of reverse anorexia, where people have anxiety if their abs or muscles don't look big enough or perfect enough. I will continue to work with my therapist and dietitian, because getting off track (even when I think I'm better) makes me get off track.

I need to survive this demon to help other eating disordered people survive. I  need to help  ED patients in any possible way. When I was in my most troublesome times I felt I had noone.

August 12th

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been attempting to recover.

I've been binging, throwing up, starving, and a lot less of the diet pills and compulsive exercising. I decided for recovery I will stop binging, purging, starving, and exercising to rid my body of calories.

I've been training for a bodybuilding competition. It's been hard keeping the food down. Today I had a mental breakdown at the gym because I couldn't take it. I guess I should be proud for not taking part in eating disorder behaviors. I'm lifting and doing less cardio to bulk up. I've been eating a lot more too. I've already seen new muscle development!! I'm also hiring a Bodybuilding Prep Trainer named Carole. Because of my overtraining injuries awhile ago - the pain is coming back since I'm really getting back to my intense training. I'm hoping with the right amount of training (rather than overtraining), ice, rest, and knee massages I'll get back to painfree training!

I know I can go back to eating disordered ways again at any minute, because I have urges - although I am fighting them. I don't know how long this can or will last. I'm hoping forever. But forever is a long time...and I feel like I'll breakdown and try to lose as much as I can. This has all happened before. Each relapse is worse - each time is a step closer to death. I'll try to hold off from dying for a long time. I'd rather die from a car crash or cancer than an eating disorder. I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO AN EATING DISORDER. I am strong; I am brave; I can do anything I want with the right support and confidence in myself. I can fight this thing I call ANOREXIA NERVOSA. 

August 4th

I bunged this morning at 6:30, because I starved yesterday. I haven't eaten all day.

Step to Recovery: (in this order)

(After I am confident in myself that I've completed each task and it won't happen again, than I will move on to the next)

________________________
1. Never binge again
- portion control

2. Never induce vomiting again

3. Never take diet pills, diuretics, or fat burners again

4. Never starve again
- proper portions
- healthy diet


I will allow:

1 restricting certain foods
2 compulsively exercising


Goal:

1. Fitness Model
2. Bodybuilder (compete)
3. Marathon Runner & Triathlete (eventually..after bodybuilding)
4. Maintain and thin physique BUT ALSO be healthy!!

August 3rd - part 2

I haven't eaten yet today. I am very anxious about last nights binge. I am starving myself today. I keep looking at myself in the mirror and making sure my body is still the same as it was the last time I checked. I keep popping diet pills, which reliefs my anxiety temporarily and makes me shit. Im afraid of losing my thin body, my stomach that sinks in, and my ribs thy stick out.

I've applied to be a volunteer for several eating disorder foundations. I applied to be a mentor, donate, and give awareness. I think surrounding myself with other eating disordered people will give me more support. I also want to help because I don't want anyone to die of an eating disorder ever again. Me on the otherhand- I don't want to become recovered, because I don't want to give up. I don't want to eat. I don't want to gain weight. I especially don't want to get fat.

My goal: Reach my goal weight of 118 by September 1st

August 3rd

I was so hungry around 10:00PM that I consumed

5 bowls of icecream
2 egg rolls
Veggies
Mashed potatoes
2 pieces of fish
Peanut butter
And chips

I feel so fat. I failed anorexia.

I look at myself in the mirror and think "you're fat and worthless and disgusting. You're fat and you can't stop eating. You're worthless and fat"

I'm okay with being worthless..but I'm not okay with being fat. I look at myself and cant help but think all my hard work of training will be gone. I'll lose every ab I've dieted for and every workout that last more than 3 hours is now useless.

What if I lose my abs? I can bare it. But even more unbearable than that is that I've finally lost all the control I've ever had. I went two years without eating icecream, 1 year without eggrolls, and 1 year without chips. What if I gain weight and nobody likes me? What if I'm giving up? What if I've stopped caring? Is this what failure feels like?

My biggest fear is losing my chiseled abs and yet I'm eating everything that could possibly ruin them. What's worse is I have control; or at least I thought I did.

I can't predict what will happen tomorrow or the next day. I can't say what I will do tomorrow or if I will eat. I need to take each day as it comes.

I don't know what to say or think. This is too much to bear. I can't put how I'm feeling into words. I wish I could go back and redo this day over. I want to be alone because being around people trigger me to eat..like eating is okay or something.

August 2nd

I starved all day yesterday...I am so proud. I lay here weak wondering how long I'll be able to go without eating. I'm staying with my friend Tommy for a few days, an hour away from home. Tommy and I walk to store and walk around and as we walk I look at all the food thinking of when I was young and all my favorite foods. I wonder how many calories I burned walking to and from the store with the resistance of caring bags of food. I wish I could be normal...but in life you need to give up some things to have something better.

Today I consumed:

1 50 calorie cucumber
240 calorie worth of cereal
290 calorie vegan burrito
Peanut butter - 1,700 calories
Crackers - 320 calories
Ice cream (2 cups) - 300 calories
Total: 2,640

After I consumed the icecream I ran to the bathroom and puked most of it out. I purged over 8 times on my knees crying wishing I didn't eat the icecream. I smoked a cigarette and drank water. I took 3 diet pills then I burned off the majority of the calories by completing a run/walk exercise. I burned over 500 calories.

Now I need to starve tonight and tomorrow.

I want to be able to live a normal, happy life, so I will admit myself into R
rehab in January 2013

August 1st

Last night I spent the night with my two friends and a guy I met online because I was lonely. I binged off of 4 packs of fudge covered pretzels, a pack of pretzels, and a pack of Ritz crackers with peanut butter. That is 3600 calories. My dietitian tells me I need 4,000. Especially after staying under 700 calories for the past two days and exercising, I'm not worried about the calories I consumed, but moreso worried about the sugar, carbs, fat content in the foods I binged off of.

I feel fat, disgusting, and pathetic. Two days ago I had less than 200 calories and yesterday I had less than 600 calories until I binged around 8PM. My calorie intake probably went into the "normal" calorie range, but it was unhealthy "junk" food - which makes me nervous. My biggest fear is getting rolls or fat or even worse losing my abs and getting a gut. I feel like I lost control. I feel pathetic.

After a binge I want to be alone...but hours or days after a binge I want sex (that is the only time I ever think about sex). Probably because I want people to see my body...so they can reassure me that it's perfect. Maybe it's taking advantage - sleeping with someone to feel like you're worth something - but doesn't everyone use sex as a means to get something? Love, acceptance, or maybe prove a point - that they're good enough, special enough.


Now I need to starve for a few days, again, to compensate for my binge last night - until the bloating goes away and I feel confident with my body, my abs, my appearance.

I threw up this morning...but there was only water and blood. Does that mean those pretzels were metabolized or digested? My thoughts are racing and I want to be alone...forever.

I'm so alone, so maybe if I'm thinner it'll teach me not to need someone and one day when I'm thinner I won't be lonely and I won't need to need someone and I won't need to get hurt, because I'll have it all.

What do you think about this?
Please comment; i'm desperate

July 31st

Because of yesterday (eating 200 calories) I woke up starving today. I stayed strong until 1:00 PM then binged off of a cucumber (50 calories), 2 cans of tomatoes (180 calories), pickles (0 calories), soup (120 calories), and green beans (40 calories) with olive oil (150 calories). Total: 540 calories for the day.

Then I puked 5 times until I saw the soup and beans and tomatoes and corn that was in the soup. I always have to puke to happy music for some reason.

Not only did I puke to get rid of the calories because I was overcome with anxiety but I realized I was falling for someone. How pathetic. So I cope with feeling pathetic by puking. In a sick, twisted way enduring the pain of gagging myself until throwing up makes me feel better.

And I keep going until I see blood in vomit. Then I stop and shower and brush my teeth and act like nothing happened. I ignore that fact that I feel and I love and I want someone to love me back 

July 30th

Today was a great day. I binged last night off of the worst shit imaginable. So obviously that meant I had to starve myself today. Around 6:30 PM I started getting hungry while grocery shopping with my mother.  While in the checkout line I felt like a little kid again, pulling on my mom's shirt asking for candy...except this time I asked for sugarless mint gum. I put a piece of gum in my mouth a chewed; the hunger went away..for now.

"If I wanted to eat today I have to go to the gym," I told myself. So I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill on an incline of 15.0 and a speed of 3.5 for 18 minutes...burning 200 calories. After that I went to the "ab mats" where I worked on my abs and after 20 minutes of that I went home.

As I came home I slipped a piece of gum into my mouth a chewed ravenously. I know I'm going to binge tonight - I'm starving.

So I did eat. I consumed a water bottle, 7 zero calorie pickles with garlic, 1 medium 45 calorie cucumber (with skin) and 1 tablespoon of olive oil, and 1 30 calorie can of mushrooms filled with water and salt. Total calories 210.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I love my mother to death, but I can't wait to move out. I want to start my own life and settle down with the love of my life. Being around most of the gays I know, that's not likely. Will I ever find someone compatible for me? Maybe I just set my standards too high? Or maybe I'm just too cautious and I want to find someone who's safe. Someone who I know won't hurt me.

But maybe I wanna get hurt; maybe I actually wanna feel something....because if I didn't wanna hurt or feel then I wouldn't be starving and purging and binging and taking diet pills when I know it could kill me. Maybe I want to risk it all. I. am. not. sure. Maybe the "play-it-save" men just make people bored - and I don't want to be bored. I think I want to try and risk it all and fall and get hurt and feel something without torturing myself everyday. 

July 29th - triggers

Today I will list my triggers of my desire for control, perfection, and the need for acceptance

My mother - she always expects more from me than I think I can do. She's my rock and I love her so much, but she pressures me into being ambitious and living a traditional, "normal" life. Since in my mind she's a perfect human being, I think I have to be like her..and it's overwhelming. I resent it. She can manage everything in her life and still be sane. I cant do that. She expects me to associate myself with educated, proper, and classy people - but I can't do that, because life is too messy to be walking around and faking a smile because it's the proper things to do. I want to feel something and be free and love everyone. I want to be with people that will make me happy- not be with people because they're decent, proper, polite people.

My father - For not being there when I need him. He's great a buying things for me, but as far as support.. there is none. As far as trust..there's none. I have always been trying my hardest to impress him and feel loved by him- but he'll always be a selfish, self absorbed, narcissist....and I'll always be dying for acceptance from him; for him to look at me and be genuinely proud of me. He's so judgmental that I feel like I have to do everything right- his way - for him. He complains too much about everything wrong that it seems nothing is right or will ever be right. I just want things to be wrong and for me to still be loved by him.

Society - there's this certain image that society portrays Americans to be. Beautiful hair, long thin legs, chiseled abs, and white teeth. Every human can't be that; it takes too much work. So I try to put in the effort to fit into our society because I feel like an outcast anyway. So I think if I'm beautiful than people will love me more inside and outside. Society also makes fun of anyone who is flawed; I don't want to be made fun of, so I try so desperately to avoid what everyone makes fun of: obesity.

Part 2

10:00 PM - I've had some peanut butter since dinner. It's amazing what several tablespoons of peanut butter can bring your caloric intake to. I'm now up to 1900 calories.

This is still tools according to my nutritionist, but when I see fat people eat less than this it makes me nervous. If they're fat on less calories than me what is preventing me from gaining weight?

I'm very anxious tonight. Why did I get hungry and why did I eat? Hopefully I'll have the energy to workout tomorrow and burn everything off.

11:40 PM - I puked five times. I knew I got rid of the peanut butter because everytime I purged I saw an orange-brown color (like peanut butter).

 Steps to Recovery:

 1. Starting today I will never take another diet pill!!! I will dump them in the garbage. 

July 28th

The three days ago I binged..which scared me, so two days ago I starved all day which triggered another binge yesterday.

Today July 28th 2012 I woke up at 11:00 AM and poured myself some Cheerios with 2% milk and stared at it. I ended up dumping it into the garbage.

I didn't eat until 5:00PM (I didn't want to but I was pressured by my mother to eat).

I consumed: A plate of salad containing: lettuce, carrots, tomato, raisins, and other veggies with olive oil. I consumed 1 piece of salmon and another plate of lettuce with a tablespoon of olive oil.

            My stomach began to hurt..so I frantically ran to the fridge and saw macaroni salad my mother had made. I felt like I was possessed because I started filling a bowl to the top of this enriched bleached, calorie and carb dense food. I put a teaspoon into my mouth then spat it out and dumped the rest into the garbage. I felt strong and proud that I didn't eat it. I had control.

Eating disordered people will go awhile without eating after fighting the signals your brain is sending you to make you eat. That's right..the human brain sends you signals so you feel ravenous forcing you to eat without stopping. So after you fight those signals and not eating becomes normal, you start to think you can eat again without binging. So then you eat and can't stop.

You have to take it slow. Eat here and there until you can eat normal again.

So after my one-meal-for-the-day, dinner was consumed I felt that rush to hunger to my stomach. I fought it and didn't binge. I was strong. I consumed a lot of water and thought about things to get my mind off of food until my stomach settled. I consumed 620 calories today.

But much deeper than that today I feel like things are finally falling into place. God is sending the right people into my life. I am thankful for that. I want to be in love and I want someone to take care of me. Although right now I don't think is a good time for a relationship in my life. But maybe I need it - for recovery - to see that I'm perfect without trying.

June 27th

Summer is the time where high schoolers, like myself, and college students party and stay up late and have summer flings. These are the best days of my life....

     For me they are the worst. I hate summer. I'm a very schedule oriented person. When I don't have order or structure in my life things get out of control. Having everyday to myself makes me more susceptible to binge eating and purging.When school starts I think the binging will stop until a long vacation.

The definition of an eating disorder is:"any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits."

                                  This is true for me. I do not believe I have anorexia, because I don't look anorexic (although the doctors believe I am severely underweight). I binge - even though all anorexics binge I feel like I'm the only one- therefore I feel even more like an outcast. People think that anorexics don't eat. Obviously anorexics eat. In fact they starve for awhile, then binge, then eat really healthy while exercising for awhile - maybe vomiting - but mostly they eat small healthy portions. They can become recovered then in the snap of a finger they can relapse due to a "trigger."

What causes an eating disorder? A traumatic event in someone life. For me it was the fact that my father (an athlete) and my mother (a perfect perfectionist) made me believe that they'd only love me if I'm perfect. Which I know isn't true. I can't blame my parents for my problems - or God. I guess I could also say a trigger would be our society. We live in a world where every magazine cover has to have a bodybuilder or stick thin model on it. That's perfect. But whereever you go you see fat people. I think maybe - since I'm a failure at life that if I can get that thin or buff people will like me better

. I work so hard to have abs from training and dieting. But when dieting and training because mentally and physically and emotionally draining you have to do something else to lose weight. So you take pills then smoke then starve and binge and puke and starve. And it becomes an addiction. I feel like if I lost all my control then I'd become a binge eater and become fat.

Eating disorders are about the need for control also. Yes obviously people want to control the outcomes of everything, but we can't. We can't control rejection, hatred, or jealousy. But we can control our weight - and if I can hide all my problems and focus on my weight and controlling it, then I don't really have many problems.

And when you want so badly to be perfect and when you begin to become a walking eating disorder you realize you were perfect before the disorder started - but now you're in too deep and you want out, but you can't because you're too afraid of what you can't control. You're afraid of God and life and rejection and falling in love because you just might get hurt. Then you'd rather die then deal with life, because we (eating disordered people) are weak human beings. So we starve ourselves until heart failure and organ failure hoping we die because we're too weak to just jump off a fucking bridge...all because we want so badly to control. Yes...this is the sad life of an eating disorder person explained.

 

 

Images

I got these messages. One from my friend Gabby via text and one from my other friend via facebook (who I scribbled out her name for her privacy. I scribbled out my last name to protect my privacy.)

.

July 27th

 July 28th

 

July 26th

When I see others eat, especially thin people, I feel tempted to eat..because it makes me know I won't gain weight or get fat. A part of me feels strong and the other part makes me feel like I'm missing out on life.

July 25th - part 2

12:00 PM

I'm not anorexic- look at me; I'm average and gross. I'll never be a beautiful skeleton.

Another carb binge because I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I'm fat and disgusting. I need to lose weight. I need to get to 118. I don't care if I die...I can't keep living like this: starve, binge, exercise, binge, eat normal, eat normal, exercise, binge, starve.

I hope I don't get fat- that's a given but I don't want to fail at life. I want to be perfect. I don't want pity.. I just want to be 10 pounds lighter. Then I'll be happy, maybe?


11:30 PM

After taking 8 diet pills I feel alittle better. I did a few sets of jumping jacks and my hunger vanished shortly after. Tomorrow I will attempt to starve for the day...or just avoid carbs.

I could be with ten other people right now and I'd still feel lonely. I'm always lonely. I just wanna be alone an starve until my weight is so low I could binge off of my favorite ice cream and never get fat. By the way my favorite ice cream is peanut butter cup or moose tracks.

July 25th

I'm ashamed to be me. I am ashamed to be me. I feel judged and pathetic so maybe if I'm thinner that'll hide my flaws and make me more beautiful. Maybe I should starve today..not because I think I'm fat, but because I binged yesterday and I want to avoid getting fat. I wanna be externally beautiful because internally I'm shit.

I'm all alone at the bus station in the city waiting for a bus. For what? The obvious reason: a boy. In this case two boys. It's my fucked up little love story. Im using my mother hard earned money to take a bus to a place where I'm not familiar with. I'm scared and I'm alone. I need a job. I'd work during meal times to avoid eating and hunger pangs.

July 24th

12:00 PM

Last night I cheated on my boyfriend with my friend and his boyfriend. It was a threeway.

I feel awful about it.

I guess I was so vulnerable and lonely and afraid and naive. I liked that they liked my body and saw me as a decent person too.

He touched my body, kissed my abs, and kissed my neck. When he kissed my lips it was magical.

In those moments I felt understood and cherished.

I haven't eaten today. I want to be perfect for them..I can't get fat because they see me as beautiful. But it scares me because I know that he'd love me if I didn't have abs and if I gained 5 more pounds. I can't imagine. How imperfect. How could anyone love that?



2:30 PM

I came home and felt pathetic. I cheated. I lied. I broke a promise. I'm pathetic. So I ate. I ate carbs and more carbs and binged and binged until I felt even worse. I punished myself. I'm pathetic and fat and gross and disgusting. I'm a fat, disgusting whore - a good for nothing fat disgusting whore. I fucked my best friend AND his boyfriend like the whore that I am. I just wanted to prove to myself and to everyone else that I'm confident and sexy and thin. They wanted me because of my body. That's why we fucked...they wanted my body. The perfection I can't even see, they saw. I felt powerful and confident....for an hour.

"God forgive me...I think you know what I've done," I shout.

So after I punish myself with a carb binge I don't take any pills or throw up or exercise. I simply do nothing. I blog and call a friend and read and type. I forget my binge. I'll weigh myself tomorrow...reality tells me I won't gain anything. Today I will enjoy food; tomorrow I will purge (puke, exercise, cry, starve).

July 21st

Weight-In: 128 pounds @ 5'7"

I've been lifting a lot lately trying to put on muscle. The doctors are giving me a deadline to put on weight or I'm being put in residential care (which can last 4-6 months). I've quit the vegan diet and now i'm on the Atkins diet... low carb, high fat, high protein.

Today everything seemed to spiral out of control. After I had been lifting all week and eating average, normal, mediocre, decent - but today I binged off of everything carb.

     "Tomorrow I'll go back to eating normally - no carbs," I told myself. "But you haven't been eating normal. You've been eating like a typical, normal, average American.A typical fat and lazy American. You failed your diet and haven't weighed yourself in days...you're slacking. You're a fat failure."

 "You're pathetic and fat and disgusting and a failure," I keep telling myself. The one thing I don't want to be and I'm turning into it; A FAILURE.

Today was fine until about 3:00PM. Around 11:00 I woke up, starved until 12:30 and had chicken breasts, applesauce, two Atkins diet chocolate bars, and water.

3:00PM - I consumed more chicken (I was starving), then pasta salad, then more, then more, than peanut butter, then a peanut butter sandwich with jelly...so much jelly.

5:00 PM - Consumed more unnecessary carbs (bowls and bowls of cereal with 2% milk) that probably shot my insulin levels through the roof and caused my body to store fat...or however that works.

9:30 PM - Consumed 10 diet pills

10:15PM - Diet pills aren't enough. I have to do something more. I drank two cups of salt water to induce vomiting since I can't force myself with my fingers. How pathetic right? So after enduring the salt water binge I come to find nothing happened. No vomiting. I had to take this into my own hands. So around 10:20 I run to the toilet, get on my knees and force my two fingers down my throat where I began to make myself vomit. It worked. I'm finally getting good at it. I do it about 10 times until I feel better.

10:30 PM (now) - I am updating my blog. I'm still anxious about gaining weight. Maybe I didn't get rid of all the calories. So now I need to take more diet pills and do continuous repetitions of jumping jacks and jog in place. 

July 17th

The past few days I've been lifting weights more-so, like before...and not doing cardio. I've been trying to get my muscle back. I haven't had much anxiety about it - which makes me anxious. What if I'm giving up?

Is this what recovery feels like.....like shit?


I've been eating a lot of tortilla chips, peanut butter, and low fat frozen yogurt

July 15th

Yesterday I stopped my vegan diet and I had salmon last night.

Today I had eggs, frozen yogurt, fruit, and salad.

I'm anxious about the Fat Free, 44g of sugar, 60 g of carbs, and 600 calories.greek frozen yogurt- which tasted like ice cream. I feel like a failure. I wanna purge, run, and die all at the same time. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like anorexics all over the world would be disappointed and disgusted in me. I'm ashamed.

July 14th

Today i start recovery.

Step 1- Admit I have a problem

Step 2- Eat

Step 3- Fight the anxiety

Step 4- Start lifting again


Goal: Get back into my bodybuilding routine.

July 13th

Another Carb binge between 3AM-8:30Am on and off. How pathetic. I'm hungry to the point of binging on 4000 calories of carbohydrates. I'm anxious I will get fat. I have no energy to workout. These posts are becoming predictable. I post for myself..to see improvements.

I have a doctor appointment today. Blood work is being done and I'm getting weighed. My mother took the batteries out of the scale and took the extra batteries with her so I can't use it. I desperately need to know my weight so I know if I've gained or lost. I need to starve for the rest of today and tomorrow.

I signed up for the Atkins diet. Now I need to actually stick with it and avoid carbs.

July 12th

So lately  people have been making comments about me looking too thin or losing weight. I don't want to hear any of those comments..it just makes me want to binge. I don't believe they are lying when they tell me I'm losing weight or I look skinnier, but I believe they know I'm suffering with eating issues and they over exaggerate my weight loss. No bitch, I didn't lose 20 pounds I think when my friend's mom makes a comment about my weightloss. It doesn't even look like I've lost 20 pounds and that makes me worried, because if they are over-exaggerating my weight loss than what do they really think? Do they think I'm fat or something. "obviously not," I tell myself. "They know i'm thin. They see it. Everyone sees the weight loss...but it's not as obvious as they're making it seem." There's the reassurance I'm looking for. "No, you're fat. They just want you to think you're thin so you eat and gain weight. They want you to be fat." There it is: the reassurance voice followed by the self loathing voice. I knew that was coming.


Last night was obviously the worst night of my life. It was my carb binge. The binge I refused I'd have. Now there's no way of exercising it off. I'm too tired to exercise. That means starving until I'm confident the food is gone. 1, 2, 3 days? I couldn't possibly starve that long. This morning I registered for the Atkins Diet. It is a low carb diet that will hopefully help me avoid these carb binges and ultimately losing more weight.

Yesterday Karen, my dietitian weighed me at 127. The scale at home reads 123.6. The scale at the gym reads 124. This morning, naked on the scale, it read 115. I smiled and immediately the smile vanished when I realized it's not possible.I AM NOT 115. Yesterday I was 127, now 115? Not possible. What is my real weight? I want to know.

July 11th - part 2

4:00 pm - I'm told by two different professionals in two days that I'm going die soon. I don't want to die. I don't want to be pitied. I just wanna be thin.

There's a certain feeling in your stomach when you find out you could die soon. It's bittersweet. On one hand you don't want to leave behind everything you love - there's so much to live for. And on the other hand you want to get it over with because waking up everyday and feeling fat and worthless when everyone else doesn't see it is hell. Complete hell. I just want to live and I want to be skinny. Is that too much to want?

God, please, if you love me don't let me die..don't make me fat.

July 11th

8:00AM - Do you know what today is? Today is the aftermath. It's the aftermath of a binge. This is the day when I will spend my day worrying and praying to a God that my body won't store the calories from last nights binge. Something about last nights binge makes me think - that was it, it's over, i'll be fat soon - and it sucks. It makes me want to purge - but I suck at purging so I can't. So instead I pour myself some breakfast consisting of two cups of cheerios and almond milk with a banana: 330 calories. Apparently breakfast is the most important meal of the day; if this is true maybe if I eat breakfast it'll prevent me from binging at night. I won't eat for the rest of the day to compensate for last night...then tomorrow i'll consume under 500 calories and eat all my calories in the morning. Today I weigh 124.

 "Great, you fat ass, you gained .4 pounds. You're a failure, you're pathetic. How could you?" 

Then the angel appears on my other shoulder:"It's okay Dominic, you didn't even gain a pound; remember: YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT. You are not fat, you will not get fat. You're perfect."

"No. You're not perfect. You are fat and pathetic; you're gross. You gained weight; it might not look like it but the scale doesn't lie. You're FAT, ugly, FAT, pathetic, FAT, gross, FAT!"

10:00 AM - I start doing jumping jacks to burn off something; anything. I guess I am fat. I can't eat for the rest of today. I should be punished. I fail. So I run 4.5 miles up hill, down hill, up hill - because hill running burns more calories - and I to be burning off everything I had last night plus today.

1:02 PM -After watching numerous interviews, documentaries, and reading articles on Marilyn Monroe I realized she's my idol. I am Marilyn Monroe.

Damn it I need a cigarette. I wanna chainsmoke the whole fuckin pack.

So at 9:30PM with hunger pains so bad, unbearable I have another carb binge. 4000 calories. I'm fat. I'm gross. I ate more than a typical person. I'm so fat. 
                

The 10th part 2

well i'm a savage. I eat like a fat ass and yet another binge happens. I'm probably near 4,000 calories for the day and my dinner consists of pasta with olive oil and other carbs. I feel like I'm going to gain weight. Life sucks when you're desperately hungry and dieting.

July 10th

Yesterday after my 1,500 calorie breakfast carb binge I starved for the rest of the day. I am getting better at this starving thing. I feel accomplished.
I met with my new therapist today. Her name is Julie. She's very nice. She told me that I'm underweight, could have heart failure, I could have broken bones, and could eventually die. Bullshit, I thought. That won't happen. I'm not even underweight. I'm average. I hate average because that means I'm not good enough. I'm stupid, average, and ugly. She wants me to be put in residential care in Boston. I don't want to go and might run away if it comes down to it. I have two weeks to get my weight from 123.6 to 140. I know that will not happen. I've worked so hard to get this thin; starved and wasted days with pains of hunger to get this thin.

As I leave her office I see a pale white, skeleton of a girl sitting in the waiting room, weak as hell.
She's perfect and beautiful. She must think I'm fat and gross, because compared to her I'm a fat.

Today ate 100 calories worth of green beans at around 2:30pm. How pathetic..a whole f*cking bag of greenbeans. I'm so fat 

I'm scared to eat at all because if I eat something I'm afraid it'll be turned into fat. Is that how it works? I'm going to brush my teeth now to avoid the temptation of eating. I'm starving - something that I'm ashamed to admit

part 2

 Today I had a huge breakfast to wake me up; give me energy. I tried to purge -but i couldn't. I cried and completed several sets of jumping jacks. "I fail," I tell myself. My life has turned into binging, starving, and attempting to purge. I fail. I need those appetite suppressants my mother dumped...I need salt and water and ipecac syrup. But even more-so I wish I had pain killers to take the pain of being me away. I wish I had cancer or AIDS.
 Is wanting to see my ribs too much to ask for? Is 118 so bad to want?

July 9th

Yesterday was terrible. I started off my morning at 3:30 with an 8 mile run and nothing to eat until 3:30pm. I binged off of carbs, non vegan foods: mayo, yogurt covered pretzels, white bread, etc...
I went to sleep feeling very anxious.
I woke up this morning to binge off more carb filled foods and my weight is the same: 126.6.
I figured that the reason I didn't gain weight was because I've been under eating and I compensated by over eating. I hope this doesn't affect my dieting and weight loss. Today begins the start of my vegan diet. I forgive my sin of eating and will fight the hunger pains by using guilt. I will not eat. I will be 118 by September 1st 2012. I will not let myself binge. I will avoid carbs at all costs.

July 7th

The pain is unbearable. I'm so hungry. I woke up at 6:15 this morning, starving. I got up and rummaged through the fridge, saw the almond milk, and decided I would have cereal (which turned into 3 small bowls - or 1 really large bowl) and a 180 packet of vegan chili. Total: 1040 calorie.Now I'm so depressed. I'm such a failure. I consume more calories in 20 minutes at 6:15am than I should've for the whole day!! For a snack I consumed popcorn. And for lunch I had several mini bagels with peanut butter, jelly, banana, and water. I ran 4 miles to burn off the calories. As I ran I thought to myself, "it'll take more than 4 miles to burn off these calories you fat, stupid, average idiot - you'll gain the weight back. You'll get fat because you suck at dieting. You suck at life."
For dinner I consumed mexican food (that means binging)
I love mexican and until I was stuffed I ate then cried in front of my mother and her boyfriend. He reassured me that he ate more than me....I wasn't convinced, "I'm fat; i'm so fat," I cried out.


This morning I weighed 121
then tonight at 7:30 I weighed 128 in shit, food, and water --- but something about 7 being 7 pounds heavier makes me angry - especially because it's not real. I want to see the real weight. I want 121.

part 2

As I step on the scale at 7:10 pm on July 6th I close my eyes hoping I'll be happy with the honest, truthful scale. 125, 126? I figured I'd be unimpressed. Much to my surprise I weigh 121!! I feel like this is a dream. "Wake up," I tell myself half smiling. Then my half smile turns into a whole smile. I'm awake, I'm alive, I'm thinner. I am beautiful.

Goal: Maintain this weight.
         Lose more weight.