12:00 PM
Last night I cheated on my boyfriend with my friend and his boyfriend. It was a threeway.
I feel awful about it.
I guess I was so vulnerable and lonely and afraid and naive. I liked that they liked my body and saw me as a decent person too.
He touched my body, kissed my abs, and kissed my neck. When he kissed my lips it was magical.
In those moments I felt understood and cherished.
I haven't eaten today. I want to be perfect for them..I can't get fat because they see me as beautiful. But it scares me because I know that he'd love me if I didn't have abs and if I gained 5 more pounds. I can't imagine. How imperfect. How could anyone love that?
2:30 PM
I came home and felt pathetic. I cheated. I lied. I broke a promise. I'm pathetic. So I ate. I ate carbs and more carbs and binged and binged until I felt even worse. I punished myself. I'm pathetic and fat and gross and disgusting. I'm a fat, disgusting whore - a good for nothing fat disgusting whore. I fucked my best friend AND his boyfriend like the whore that I am. I just wanted to prove to myself and to everyone else that I'm confident and sexy and thin. They wanted me because of my body. That's why we fucked...they wanted my body. The perfection I can't even see, they saw. I felt powerful and confident....for an hour.
"God forgive me...I think you know what I've done," I shout.
So after I punish myself with a carb binge I don't take any pills or throw up or exercise. I simply do nothing. I blog and call a friend and read and type. I forget my binge. I'll weigh myself tomorrow...reality tells me I won't gain anything. Today I will enjoy food; tomorrow I will purge (puke, exercise, cry, starve).
Last night I cheated on my boyfriend with my friend and his boyfriend. It was a threeway.
I feel awful about it.
I guess I was so vulnerable and lonely and afraid and naive. I liked that they liked my body and saw me as a decent person too.
He touched my body, kissed my abs, and kissed my neck. When he kissed my lips it was magical.
In those moments I felt understood and cherished.
I haven't eaten today. I want to be perfect for them..I can't get fat because they see me as beautiful. But it scares me because I know that he'd love me if I didn't have abs and if I gained 5 more pounds. I can't imagine. How imperfect. How could anyone love that?
2:30 PM
I came home and felt pathetic. I cheated. I lied. I broke a promise. I'm pathetic. So I ate. I ate carbs and more carbs and binged and binged until I felt even worse. I punished myself. I'm pathetic and fat and gross and disgusting. I'm a fat, disgusting whore - a good for nothing fat disgusting whore. I fucked my best friend AND his boyfriend like the whore that I am. I just wanted to prove to myself and to everyone else that I'm confident and sexy and thin. They wanted me because of my body. That's why we fucked...they wanted my body. The perfection I can't even see, they saw. I felt powerful and confident....for an hour.
"God forgive me...I think you know what I've done," I shout.
So after I punish myself with a carb binge I don't take any pills or throw up or exercise. I simply do nothing. I blog and call a friend and read and type. I forget my binge. I'll weigh myself tomorrow...reality tells me I won't gain anything. Today I will enjoy food; tomorrow I will purge (puke, exercise, cry, starve).
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