Last night I spent the night with my two friends and a guy I met online because I was lonely. I binged off of 4 packs of fudge covered pretzels, a pack of pretzels, and a pack of Ritz crackers with peanut butter. That is 3600 calories. My dietitian tells me I need 4,000. Especially after staying under 700 calories for the past two days and exercising, I'm not worried about the calories I consumed, but moreso worried about the sugar, carbs, fat content in the foods I binged off of.
I feel fat, disgusting, and pathetic. Two days ago I had less than 200 calories and yesterday I had less than 600 calories until I binged around 8PM. My calorie intake probably went into the "normal" calorie range, but it was unhealthy "junk" food - which makes me nervous. My biggest fear is getting rolls or fat or even worse losing my abs and getting a gut. I feel like I lost control. I feel pathetic.
After a binge I want to be alone...but hours or days after a binge I want sex (that is the only time I ever think about sex). Probably because I want people to see my body...so they can reassure me that it's perfect. Maybe it's taking advantage - sleeping with someone to feel like you're worth something - but doesn't everyone use sex as a means to get something? Love, acceptance, or maybe prove a point - that they're good enough, special enough.
Now I need to starve for a few days, again, to compensate for my binge last night - until the bloating goes away and I feel confident with my body, my abs, my appearance.
I threw up this morning...but there was only water and blood. Does that mean those pretzels were metabolized or digested? My thoughts are racing and I want to be alone...forever.
I'm so alone, so maybe if I'm thinner it'll teach me not to need someone and one day when I'm thinner I won't be lonely and I won't need to need someone and I won't need to get hurt, because I'll have it all.
I feel fat, disgusting, and pathetic. Two days ago I had less than 200 calories and yesterday I had less than 600 calories until I binged around 8PM. My calorie intake probably went into the "normal" calorie range, but it was unhealthy "junk" food - which makes me nervous. My biggest fear is getting rolls or fat or even worse losing my abs and getting a gut. I feel like I lost control. I feel pathetic.
After a binge I want to be alone...but hours or days after a binge I want sex (that is the only time I ever think about sex). Probably because I want people to see my body...so they can reassure me that it's perfect. Maybe it's taking advantage - sleeping with someone to feel like you're worth something - but doesn't everyone use sex as a means to get something? Love, acceptance, or maybe prove a point - that they're good enough, special enough.
Now I need to starve for a few days, again, to compensate for my binge last night - until the bloating goes away and I feel confident with my body, my abs, my appearance.
I threw up this morning...but there was only water and blood. Does that mean those pretzels were metabolized or digested? My thoughts are racing and I want to be alone...forever.
I'm so alone, so maybe if I'm thinner it'll teach me not to need someone and one day when I'm thinner I won't be lonely and I won't need to need someone and I won't need to get hurt, because I'll have it all.
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| What do you think about this? Please comment; i'm desperate |
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