part 2

I decided the 300 calorie diet is very extreme to do for seven days straight. I should do it a few times per week. Today I skipped breakfast and for lunch mom took me to Ruby Tuesday's back home. I ordered salad bar and veggie trio. On the salad bar I skipped the lettuce and just got veggies with a tablespoon of the real balsamic vinegar. I had two plates of salad bar and for the veggie trio I got broccoli and plain baked potato with zucchini steamed. Then mom and I went to the grocery store.
When I got home for a very early dinner I had 3 slices of wheat bread (light/reduced calories (45 calories per slice)) with a small amount of jelly and a new reduced calorie, reduced fat and low sodium peanut butter. It was so good I wanted to binge, but my mom had chores for me (before I leave the house - i'm seeing friends tonight and sleeping over gabby's house) to do so I didn't have time (I'm happy about this).
I packed my diet pills, diuretics, gum, and cigarettes to distract myself from food. I'll be drinking plenty of water tonight too.
I'm very anxious today and my OCD is being triggered. I think from not working out. My knees are starting to hurt again and I have no energy. To reassure myself I say: "I'll be okay;  I won't get fat; I workout a lot; I don't need to workout so much to stay thin, skinny, beautiful."

Going out tonight to get my mind off of food. My

My mom and I had a lovely conversation at dinner on getting better. I officially have a counselor that I have to meet with now.

June 30th

I'm a fatass, I ate salad and a baked potato- how pathetic. I don't even have the energy to workout and burn it off. I even wanna binge but I won't because I suck a purging - of course- excelling at the eating piece and just awfully bad at the purging. The puking.

Goodnight

During my binge I consumed 1,900 calories. I'm probably going to gain weight and fat from that binge. It was too many calories. I feel so guilty from eating and from Leo's reaction to me eating. I walked for a few hours and did jumping jacks, push ups, and sit ups. I took diet pills and diuretics and now I need to exercise again. I can't eat tomorrow. My dietitian texted me saying: "You need to be hospitalized I think"
My dad texted me saying: "Leo is not looking at you because your fat. You're not fat. Get that out of your head. He's looking at you because you starve yourself then eat like a ferocious beast the next day. It's not common. You need to stop this." Is this tough love or pure disgust in me? Today has been the worst day; I can't eat.

Binge

This is becoming predictable. How pathetic that I can't even keep my word. I can't even eat 300 calories for two days.
Leo sees me eating and comments and I get upset and me instigates and it makes everything worse and I scream and yell and cry because what else can I do when I've already lost control? I'm ashamed of myself and he knows and he still comments on my eating...when I do eat and when I don't eat.

Day 2

This 300 calorie diet (a day) works!! I'm cheating with help of diuretics and diet pills. I feel proud. I feel in control of my life. I feel thin.
For breakfast I ate an apple, for lunch vegan soup without the noodles, and lettuce. I took a shower and chewed a piece of gum to avoid any hunger pangs. It worked. Although I did get a little anxious because that was my second piece of gum. On this 300 calorie diet i'm on 225 calories as of 12:00PM. That means dinner will be very light tonight. I only have 75 calories to spare.
I leave Pennsylvania tomorrow. I'm happy because I can't spend another day here.

June 29th

It's 4:45 am and I can't sleep. The thunder is keeping me up. It's actually bringing me back to my childhood, because I'm actually scared. So, of course, I grab my waist and feel myself making sure my weight still feels the same as I left it. It's becoming a coping mechanism. Whenever i'm anxious I do that and I become fine again; I'm not scared anymore.
I fight the hunger with a piece of 5 calorie sugarless gum. What if the 5 calories turn to fat since I'm laying here. What if the sugar alcohol in the gum is just as bad as regular sugar? What if, what if, what if?

Day 1

This is day one of my 300 calorie diet out of seven days. I feel great. I have a lot of energy and despite the hunger pangs every half hour i'm in a great mood. Today I had two cups of black tea, plain apple sauce with fruit (90 calories) and 4 pieces of celery (15 calories). I searched Grandma's house for gum. I'm craving gum. I researched gum and I found that it can result in weight loss by replacing high calorie snacks for a flavorfull, sugarless, low calorie piece of gum. It reduces appetite too. Ciggarettes also do that.
I want to workout today to burn off the calories from yesterday afternoon's carb overload, but i feel like as soon as I got to the gym I'd be too tired to workout. Anyway I was doing jumping jacks throughout the night and took diuretics. That should be good enough? Right?  

Morning

I wake up, have tea, take my time by eating 4 celery sticks, and feel the guilt slip in as people watch me eating. Maybe im not eating enough or people are just waiting to see me slip and binge. People want to see me at my weakest and fattest. I can't let that happen. This could be a test of how much I can control myself. Do I have self control? Answer: If can go seven days without overeating 300 calories than yes I have self control.

3:22am

It's 3:22 am and I've been up reading and listening to the radio. When a fast song plays I'll get up and do jumping jacks ferociously to burn off the carbs I had. Before what was supposed to be time for me to sleep I took 4 diuretics. (Maybe that's why I have to pee every 30 minutes?) I'm so hungry, but I need to fight it- be strong; fight the feel of hunger pangs. I've been googling pro Ana diets and quotes to live by (for inspiration and ideas to lose more weight fast). I found this:

Goodnight

I'm about to sleep now. I binged today on a shit load of carbs. Carbs i'd been lacking from avoiding them. Feeling like all the carbs I restricted for the past week were simply all consumed in 25 minutes made me sick to my stomach. I've been bloated since and full.
Since communicating with other anorexics and reading memoirs on anorexia I've realized something: all anorexics binge often. I thought I was the only one. Now my anxiety is lessened but still great. I don't care what other anorexics do- I wanna just be thin. Afterall that's my goal. Tomorrow I must compensate by not eating, taking diuretics, and losing weight, drinking tea, and exercising.

Another Binge

Another binge today from starving. I really feel fat and I'm worried i will gain weight. I'm upset about that because I don't want to get fat like all these people that I'm surrounded by daily

Goodnight

It's almost 8 and I'm going to watch some tv before I crash. Earlier I swam for 10 minutes but started feeling dizzy and Leo picked me up. For dinner I had salad, hummus, fruit.
I've was feeling so hungry that I ate some apple sauce and berries with muesli. Then 2 servings of peanut butter and celery and 4.5 servings of spinach with a few teaspoons of olive oil and garlic powder.
All that brought my intake up to 1,400 calories. I don't feel guilty about it...yet.

Math

This is today's math lesson :)

I woke up had 80 calories in soup
Then lunch was veggies with tomato sauce and olive oil - maybe 200 calories
That's 280 calories for the day

I worked out - burning over 600 calories....now I'm I'm the negative calories (or using up some of last nights calories?)

I just refueled with Almonds (170 calories)

and I'm about to workout again in the pool.

I thought about taking a class tonight but I'm tired, dizzy, weak, and hungry. I don't know. I'm too weak to even swim .

Goal

My goal is to achieve the weight 118. That means I'll need great discipline throughout my workouts. When I want to stop I have to keep going, when I get dizzy from not eating I have to keep starving. After the soup today I had a half of banana because I started getting dizzy. I reached for the Honeynut Cheerios box, put my hand in the box, and pulled out the bag. As I was ready to pour them into a bowl, I took 5, placed them in my mouth and put the bag back in the box and the box in the cabinet to never be touched or eaten again.

June 26th

I woke up throughout the night because of nightmares. For breakfast I had two cups of veggie soup. I took out the pasta in the soup.
Yesterday was so embarrassing. I checked the scale this morning and I am two pounds heavier. Two whole pounds. I could cry. All my hard work and two pounds have been gained. Today I'm going to workout and drink a lot of water. I am going to avoid starchy carbs too.
I feel so hungry but yet I am full from the soup. All I want now is to workout and burn off today's calories, but mostly yesterday's calories.

Goodnight

I have been blogging lately because of the downtime I've had. I start college soon and until then it's R&R time. Im going to look for a job and move out of my moms house by January. A lot will be changing. A lot will also stay the same. My addiction to exercise, my bad relationship with food, and my insecurities will follow me no matter where I go. Anyway I wanted to end this stressful day on a positive note: people are genuinely good. I realize this because of the emails I am receiving from viewers of this blog. They aren't pity emails or emails trying to make me see how beautiful I really am. They are emails from people who know how it feels to be where I am right now. And seeing the good in people is exactly what I needed tonight.

Another useless post

The best part of "this" is losing weight. The worst part is the tired, helpless, and sick feeling. But what's even worse is the binging. Thinking the hard work that you've suffered so long for is coming to an end. It's black or white for any anorexic: get fat or die. I'd rather die. Now I'm overly stuffed with food wishing for a way out.
This is becoming part of my normal routine. This is the time when I usually decide it can't get any worse than this and continue to do more self harming behaviors. Tonight is a good one-night-stand night. It's pure pleasure and an escape from the pain of being me. A few moments when someone can touch my body and actually like it. They see what I can't. Perfection.

I lose

Once again the eating disorder wins. I am now binging off of all vegan foods. I don't know what's worse: I am binging or I can stop myself but won't. All the hard work of starving is ruined. I cant help but think that all that weight I lost will be gained back tomorrow. Every bite I take I think: "you pig. You're disgusting. You're a failure. You always lose. You can't even go a few days without stuffing your face-you fat pig. You're gonna end up like a fat slob." The more I think, the faster I chew. "Keep eating," everyone tells me. "fight the eating disorder." "No," I say "you just want me to get fat." I bet they think this is funny. I bet they are waiting for me to get fat. I know they are.

Snacks and Dinner

About 30 minutes after my purge i had a fruit smoothie then I had three more ricecakes with peanut butter and jelly with fruit. I dumbed the peanut butter in the garbage to avoid temptation. I felt so guilty about eating that I had Leo drive me to the gym and I burned them off on the elliptical. Then I did aerobics in the pool.
After an hour Leo got me and I cane back to dinner. For dinner I had salad with vegan chili, a slice of grape fruit, tomatoes, walnuts, avocado and veggies in olive oil. I feel guilty about the olive oil, but im still so hungry I could binge. This scares me because I don't want to binge. Maybe I should sleep or go walking to avoid food.

Another binge and purge

I binged on a ricecake with peanut butter and sugarfree jelly and 5 grapes. That a 200 calorie binge. I rushed to the bathroom as the guilt set in. I looked in the mirror and screamed at myself "you're fat - you're ugly. You're a fat, pathetic, self loathing- good-for-nothing faggot." I leaned over the toilet and began to purge (once). I hate this part of the eating disorder. I cry as I purge. I know i'm doing it wrong. My two fingers are desperately moving around trying to make myself gag. I eventually puke a small amount of what looks like the jelly. 15 calories gone. Now I feel better. Back to my blog that nobody reads. 

June 25th

Good morning,

 It is now 8:40 on a rainy Monday morning. Leo and I went to the gym...where i lifted (biceps, triceps, chest, and a little shoulders) for 40 minutes...then went out to breakfast (against my will). At the Cedar Grill I ordered wheat toast (dry) and green tea. I had two cups of green tea. Since i've been back from the gym and diner I decided to lay down with my grandmothers laptop. I feel like resting all day then maybe working out, eating, taking diet pills, maybe eating more, then bed? I weighed myself yesterday and although I was considered underweight twenty pounds heavier, I am still embarrassed to announce my weight. I know i've shared my weight on my blog before - but that's when I was feeling good about myself. Today i'm not feeling good or bad - just neutral.

Please comment. 

Best nights sleep

I had the best nights sleep last night. I think the reason why I slept so good is because I ran last night and burned off my small salad of a dinner.
 I woke up very early this morning to go to the gym with Leo. Now I'm waiting for him to go. As I was making the bed a thought popped in my head: "how have my grandmother and Leo both been dieting since I was born.. but yet they're fatter each time I see them"?

I'm feeling very spiritual tonight

Tonight I'm feeling very spiritual. In fact I'm even feeling very close to God. I've always felt as if he was mad at me for the way I choose to live my life. I feel like I can never live up to how perfect he is.

I found this prayer online tonight. It's the Serenity Prayer. My mother dedicated this prayer to me a few years back. I can see how this relates to my impulsivity, anxiety, and desire for control.

Feeling Old

I feel like I've caught a glimpse of what being old feels like. I have my moments throughout the day when I get a burst of energy and I feel young again. I don't want to get old- it must suck. I hope I don't die anytime soon either. Death is scary to me because I don't want to go to hell. Hell is made out to be an awful, uncomfortable place when you burn in your misery forever. I want to meet Him and live in a happy place with my family.
I feel like I am not interesting enough in my writing of this blog. I feel like my grammar and spelling and punctuation is incorrect. I feel judged. I feel like nobody understands me. I feel all alone...and that's okay because this blog is for me to look back on in the future. This isn't for anyone else to have to understand...I do.

You probably think I'm a pig

For lunch I had two servings of chili, some baby food, guacamole, and two rice cakes with peanut butter. I have a feeling that Leo will want to go out to lunch when grandma comes home. I'll order a salad without dressing if they go out. I feel fat now. I feel like I overdid it. I lost count of my calorie intake...but I know I'm under 1000 calories.
Leo and I went to the bookstore today and I ordered a book. It's sad that my only excitement for the day was ordering a book. It's the little things in life that create the most happiness.

June 24th

Couldn't sleep last night from having nightmares of food. I'm too tired to stand up let alone exercise.
For breakfast I had a rice cake with peanut butter and sugarfree jelly. That's all I'll eat until lunch time. I'm not hungry- just weak.

June 23rd

Today I woke up around 7AM and didn't eat until 12PM. Between 7 and 12 I drank two cups of black tea and a lot of water. When i did finally eat i had some leftover guacamole, avocado, a ricecake with peanut butter and sugar free jelly, a little bit of tofu chili, a spoonful of baby food, and lastly muesli.
Reading over everything for lunch i realize it seems like a lot (at least it does to me), but the portion sizes were quite small. I relaxed for the rest of the afternoon until i became anxious about the food i did eat. I had a spoonful of peanut butter, sugarfree jelly, and some muesli, and i went for a 30 minute bike ride then I ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. After I got back to my grandmother's house I went straight to the fridge to get more muesli, but decided I didn't want it. Leo (grandma's husband) took me out to dinner, because grandma went out for the night. We went to a vegan resturant in the next town over. I ordered a vegan veggie lasagna with veggies, vegan rice cheese (low calorie, low fat vegan cheese), tofu, and protein. A salad without dressing came along with my meal. I didn't feel comfortable eating the "vegan cheese," because it makes me think of regular cheese. Regular cheese makes me anxious, because it is high in saturated fat and high in calories. Although vegan rice cheese is very much different than cheese, I still had to get the nutrition facts by searching it on my iPhone and asking the waitress for reassurance. On the drive back from the cafe I started getting car sick, so I just went to sleep until Leo and I arrived back at his and grandma's house.
              I've been on my blog all night and i'm about to get off, because it's depressing that there is no comments on any of my posts (except one...just one).

Can't sleep

I can't sleep between the nightmares of food and the hunger pangs.

Before Bed

I baked tonight. I made tofu chili, guacamole hummus, and hummus. I also made low fat, sugar free banana oatmeal cookies with peanut butter and wheat flour with vanilla. Everything is vegan. Now i feel fat, hungry, and bloated. I want more food but i really shouldn't. Hopefully all those calories especially eaten this late (9:30pm) won't make me fat. I dumped the rest of the cookies into the garbage.
I'm going to look for my grandmothers first aid kit and see if there is ipecac syrup. I hope so. If not i can  just watch my calories tomorrow.
Today my calories were over 2,000.
I made a rule that i couldn't go over 1,500.
Once again i failed.
I suck.
The End 

June 22nd - part 2

Finally here in Pennsylvania. Since i've been here i've had cheerios with raisins again (another 1.5 cups) for lunch. And for snacks i've had grapefruit, apple, and walnuts. My calorie intake is a little over 800 calories. My mom and her boyfriend Mike left. We went to the retirement community center (grandma lives in a retirement community with her husband) and played games. Apparently they have a gym there. I did some Ab work and chest workouts. It didn't last very long. But i guess it doesn't matter how long the workout is..it matters how intense it is. It's was beneficial, because i could feel it. I am anxious because it wasn't a long workout. I have to remind myself that IT WAS BENEFICIAL. After i went into the library and looked at books.

Now i'm pretty anxious about the walnuts (the fat content in them). Grandma and I are going grocery shopping then going out to dinner. Unfortunately her husband is tagging along. 

 Today is a depressing day because i feel fat. But i have hope for the next two weeks while i'm here that i'll lose some more weight and be temporarily happy until i lose more. From lack of energy i've been feeling fatigued. That's where the anxiety is stemming from. Is it possible to workout too much and undereat.....AND NOT BE TIRED? 

June 22nd

Good morning. I only got 5 hours of sleep last night. I was on the computer all night researching. Since I've been up I've been in a fairly good mood. This morning my moms boyfriend, Mike came over and now he's driving mom and I down to Pennsylvania. After they drop me off at grandmas house they're leaving for the beach for a week. Seeing his hand on her lap makes me want to love in fall. Throughout my childhood I haven't seen my mom date, therefore I've become accustom to seeing my mom happily single. I guess I assumed I could stay happily single. I just want to be happy.
This morning I ate a half an orange and a cup and a half of Cheerios with raisins. I'm anxious today because yesterdays caloric intake was more than I would have liked, but less than I need (according to my dietitian).
I should probably nap, but I won't. I'll update later.

June 21st - lastly

Am I being annoying by constantly posting nonsense about myself. I feel selfish. I know my problems aren't that big of problems in the grand scheme of things, but it makes me feel better to write.
Today as you know i had the grapefruit and banana for breakfast and the brown rice, beans, veggies, and guacamole for brunch. And dad and i went to the theme park. I was too tired to go, but i wanted to go without complaining. I wanted to have fun with him. I didn't want to be selfish, because afterall we were having a good day together. I ended up falling asleep there, because i was too tired. I had no energy. So we left and went to a Mexican restaurant. I ordered a chicken dinner without the chicken. It came with a few mini wraps and veggies and refried beans and Mexican rice with guacamole and salsa. That was filling. I felt guilty about the wraps which were made from enriched bleached (white) flour (empty calories). I had 4. They were very small. Dad got a free shot of tequila after dinner. I had a great day with dad and i miss him. I went to group and told them that i feel guilty about not working out as much, because i'm so tired and have no energy from lack of calories. I felt better after leaving group....for a little while. That was my last session at group therapy!!! I'm excited, because i never have to go back to that awful place.
Since i've been home i've had a bowl of Cherrios and raisins..without the Almond milk (to save calories). I had a big bowl. There's only 160 calories in one serving. I might have had 3 servings..plus the raisins. After i ate that i ran upstairs to fill the bowl back up with another bowl full of Cherrios and raisins. I didn't eat it. I took a few Cherrios and decided i didn't want it. I dumped it into the trash. Then i purged.
When i purge i don't think i do it right...but nobody will teach me; and honestly i don't want to ask either. When i do try very little vomit comes up. Sometimes just a drop. Sometimes i just gag and spit comes up. It could be because i don't have a lot of calories in my body or i'm not doing it right... or both? I took some diet pills. I'll take some more before bed. Now i'm looking up reduced fat, reduced calorie foods i can buy. I found peanut butter that only has 100 calories for 2 tablespoons with less than 3 grams of fat. To me that's very impressive.
Tomorrow i leave for Pennsylvania. I'm excited to visit grandma, but i am not excited for the long and uncomfortable drive.
Leave comments.
Goodnight

June 21st - again

This is my Vegan Bodybuilding shirt

June 21st

Morning

I just downloaded the Blogger app to my iPhone so it's more convenient to update whenever I need to. Last night after I worked out I was invited out with my friend Matt. I'm not sure I it was a date or not. We went to the drivein and talked and left before the second movie started. We went to a park and walked at a fast pace around the trail at 1AM. As he drove me home we ate salted almonds and dried fruit. For dinner I ended up having 2 apples and carrots. Since I've been up today I haven't done much. I showered and went to the DMV (which I hate going to) and got my permit because I lost my old one. For breakfast I had a grapefruit and a banana. For brunch?dad and I went out. I had a vegan bowl from Chipolte's Mexican Grill.
Now we're going to Six Flags theme park. I'd rather be at the gym. I feel far. I have group later tonight. Sadly.

part 2

I found that blogging helps me express myself. I can explain how I feel if it's written out. Since I've eaten the peanut butter I've been very anxious and my OCD is kicking in. It controls me. I lifted a little bit. Enough to tone and do something but not enough to accomplish my previous goals of being a bodybuilder then a men's physique bodybuilder. It boosts metabolism. Then I did the elliptical until I burned 190 calories. I burned off 2 tablespoons of peanut butter. Im not confident in my workout today but I'm so tired. I'll workout tomorrow after breakfast.Since the gym I've had two apples and carrots. My dad is making me a raw vegan protein shake with bananas tonight, maybe. I may have beans. I just might save the beans for tomorrow.

part 3

Today i woke up around six am. Since i have no school i have nothing to do that early except watch my mother get all glamorous for work. I ate Cherrios for breakfast with almond milk and had some pineapple and cherries. For lunch i had a salad with olive oil and vinegar with avacado. Then i walked 3 miles to church (there and back equals three miles) to talk to the pastor about all my problems. That lasted about 45 minutes. I read him my blog posts dating back to June 11th. Then when i came home i was so thirsty i drank some water and had grapefruit, greenbeans, and carrots with all natural peanut butter (4 tablespoons).

Tonight i'm sleeping over my dads house. I'm so excited. For many reasons. 1. i haven't been there in awhile and i miss him. 2. he's getting a truck and giving me his old car. 3. i'm sleeping over and we're going to Six Flags theme park tomorrow before my last group therapy session. We're also going to the gym tonight. I'll lift, maybe do the elliptical machine (intervals) and swim laps. I don't know what i will eat for dinner. Probably something light.

I read Jeremy Gilitzer's blog today. He's an anorexic but mostly bulimic. I don't know how someone can mostly be bulimic? Everytime i puke i only puke a very, very small amount. Not enough to get ride of a meal. I usually do it 4 times then take some pills. Last night before bed i took some diuretics, because i was bloated. Reading Jeremy's blog makes me a little anxious but somewhat relieved. I, like Jeremy, want to get to know more gay males, that i can be friends with - not just sleep with and never see again.

June 20th

I'm still not over June 18th's binge. I was surprised by that because i was doing so well. A professional wouldn't call it a binge. They might refer to it as compensating by eating the food i've missed out on. That makes me feel better, because it explains it's not a binge. Afterall a binge is when you eat more calories in one sitting repeatedly than you need. I don't do that. I starve myself and when i'm feel really hungry i eat a lot..but i never eat TOO much, because TOO much would mean i'd have to eat for days and day and days nonstop for me to compensate for all the food i didn't eat. Does that make sense?
Today, so far, is a good day. I judge my day based on how and how much i eat. So yes, so far today is great. I don't want to eat at all, but i know that can't be possible.
I had my sister order me a "Vegan Bodybuilding and Fitness" tank top last week. It came in the mail this morning. I'm wearing it now. I love it. It also came with Raw Vegan protein powders. I'll use them after a weight lifting workout. I'll update this later.
Goal for today: Let my parents know how much i love them. 

June 19th

I feel like my goal of being a good anorexic is making me a bad one. I feel like me trying to be anorexic and counting my calories leads me to binge eating every few days. Eventually that won't help. So in order to lose weight and have energy to workout i am going to eat less but throughout the day. No more binging.

June 18th

Today is a good day for me. I like the way i look today. I feel semi-confident. I had my friend Meg sleepover last night. We woke up at 11 AM. I had a grapefruit for breakfast with a lot of cherries (both low glycemic foods) greenbeans with all natural peanut butter and a few slices of avocado and a fruit smoothie (containing: 2 bananas, ice, vanilla extract, almond milk, and a few chunks of pineapples). I'm craving more pretzels, but i'll snack on greenbeans until the craving goes away. I wonder if too much fruit is bad (because of the sugar). Can fruit cause fat gain?
Anyway i have group tonight. Tomorrow nights group is cancelled and Thursday is my last day until Pennsylvania. I'm so excited. I want to workout tonight after group. Hopefully i'll have energy. Since I've been home from group I've had four granola bars, fruit, beans, cereal and other shit. I hope I don get fat. With all this food I'm surprised I'm not gaining weight. I hope I lose weight. Goal For Today: Being Loving Towards Everyone 

June 17th

Since last nights binge ive felt incredibly anxious and fat. I didn't eat all day today until 4:00 pm. I had pineapple, cherries, grapefruit, banana, strawberry, spinach, and greenbeans. I ran but was to tired. I ran 2 miles and felt sick. So I walked until I got too tired. Since I've been home I've had the grapefruit and greenbeans. Then I ate Snyder's pretzels. Three pretzels is 130 calories. I had a lot. Maybe 8 servings. I feel guilty and I feel like my body will store the pretzels as fat. I ate too late too (12:00 am) and I don't know if pretzels are healthy or not. I think they are vegan. I need to find a reason to not eat them anymore. I crave pretzels. Goal: body fat percent of 4%, BMI less than 15, and weigh less than 130

part 3

Reading through my blog i notice i binge a lot. Sadly it doesn't seem like i do. I don't know if i should be upset or relieved. Relieved that i know and can fix it or upset that it is happening. I want to stop binging. Obviously a starving anorexic will binge but not as i do. I feel fat and gross. I hope i don't get fat from the binging.

June 16th part 2

I haven't eaten much lately. I found the non vegan, non raw yogurt covered pretzels. I binged of them and pretzels after dinner. I'm depressed. I'm definitely not going out tonight now. I feel so fat. I'm going to purge tonight. I feel so full and sick. I'm so fat. I was doing so well. I hope this doesn't make me gain weight.

Positive Thought: Tomorrow is a new day. I will fast and start fresh on Monday.

June 16th

Today I consciously realized as i was sitting in the sun today that i don't feel loved at all. I'm a fuck up. I'm not good at anything. I'm even a bad anorexic. I started the raw vegan diet today. Hopefully i'll lose more on this diet than just the vegan diet. That means no more binges off of pretzels or tortilla chips. Today I feel like being a loner and watching movies. I've always said i wanted to stay local when i "grow up" but now i want to move far away. I want a fresh start.

June 14th

I went to school this morning for my exam and got dropped off home at around 11:30 to find i forgot my key and was locked out. I was kinda glad because there was no temptations for food but yet i was starving. My friend Gabby picked me up and we took my dog who was outside with us to the mall and walked around and took Romeo to a park to play. I just got home an hour ago and my mom was here and unlocked the door for me.
For breakfast i ate an apple with a banana and mixed nuts and seeds and for lunch i had black beans and tomatos. Instead of eating the whole can i only ate a small portion of it. I nibbled on the rest through the afternoon. For a snack i had some veggies and for dinner i had a salad, guacamole, and veggies. I read on a pro ana site that to lose weight i should break up my breakfast, lunch, and dinner into snacks and make them last throughout the day. That makes sense, because by doing so i'll keep my metabolism up and i'll feel satisfied. I also read it's better to have a 4 100 calorie snacks than a 400 calorie meal. I had group tonight and hated it once again. I also went running (5 miles) and refueled with a fruit/veggies tofu smoothie which i regret.

June 13th part 3

Today has turned into a nightmare. I bought some diuretics and diet pills from Kmart today. After i bought them i came home and binged off of cereal and tortilla chips with salsa until my calories went up to 3,500. I went to physical therapy and i swam for 30 minutes, which didn't seem like enough time. I'm very anxious today about this. I took a diuretic because i'm feeling bloated. I feel fat and look bloated. After my swim i weighed myself and had someone take my body fat percentage, which brought my anxiety down until i came home. I wanted to run but i'm so tired i can't. Instead of running i had a few pretzels. Which makes me more anxious. I have a lot to worry about, like: will my body store fat, did my metabolism slow down, did i eat unhealthy, did i eat too much, did i workout enough, will i gain weight, will my body fat percentage go up? Tomorrow starts my new diet. I can't have anymore snack foods, like pretzels, tortilla chips, etc. I will workout tomorrow and diet again until i lose more weight. I can't wait until i can visit my grandmother because i won't be tempted by the junk food she has in her house, because the junk food she has isn't vegan. Sadly my mother buys "vegan junk food." I hope i can forgive myself for tonights binge and never do it again.
I saw an extremely obese woman today and immediately thought: "i can't eat like i ate today- i might get fat, like that." Seeing people like that triggers me, but also makes me motivated to avoid it. I'm going to have some pretzels and start dieting tomorrow....again

Goodnight

P.S.  My weight today was 134 lbs and my body fat % was between 3-7 %.
Last time i checked a few weeks ago my weight was 143 and my body fat % was 8-9%
I'm proud

June 13th - part 2

I'm back. I just came back from the gym. I lifted today. I worked my shoulders, sides, and arms. Then i had dinner (at 2:45pm). I had a whole bag of steamed brown rice, can of black beans, and can of plain tomatos. That was 782 calories total. My calories from before combined with these calories bring me up to a little over 1,600 calories. I want to swim later and burn off my dinner.
My friend is bringing me to Kmart to buy some diet supplies. Hopefully they have Allie (a strong over-the-counter diet pill). I'm getting sick of talking about calories, but i can't help it.
Tonight i want to be alone. I want to lay down and watch a movie and get to sleep early. I have an exam at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I'm gonna go to Kmart now. I'll blog tomorrow.

P.S.  I got a phone call from the college apartments. I'm moving in in January. I'm really scared to move out. I'll only be 18 and i can't take care of myself. I need my mom. I can always change my mind, because i have time.

June 13th

Good Afternoon,

 It is Wednesday. It is a beautiful day today. I slept over my friends house last night, again. I'm at my house now with my friend Gabby. She's in the other room doing her hair. Today I ate an apple, 2 veggie burgers, 6 decent sized pretzels, and fruit smoothie with tofu and almond milk and banana with blueberries, an orange, and water. It feels like too much especially because i ate all of that and it's only 12:46 pm. That's around 950 calories. My only concern is if someone starves them for so long then they start eating normal for a day the body starts storing fat because it doesn't know when it'll get food again. That can causes bloating and can make someones body fat percentage go up. That scares me and makes me want to purge and takes more diet pills. My mom flushed my pills a few nights ago. I'll update this later today if i have time. I'm going to the gym and then physical therapy later. Comments appreciated

June 12th

Good Afternoon.

I just got home. I slept over my friends house last night and now I am home for a little while before group therapy. I don't know if i should stay home tonight or go out. I'm tired today. Today for breakfast i had two apples and for lunch a small salad with lettuce and olive oil with a mini vegan burger (70 calories) and blueberries. It seems like too much though. I'm with my friend Gabby now waiting for the bus to pick me up for therapy. I really don't wanna go. I met a guy at group though. He's really sweet and i asked him out on a date after exams are over to celebrate school ending. :) I'm excited for that night. I'm thinking about dinner and a movie.
Since summer is almost here and i don't have a job my mom is sending me down south to spend two weeks with my grandmother. I feel like she can't handle my problems. In a way my problems are her problems and i feel like she needs a break. I feel like a burden, especially to my father, but those weeks will help my mom tremendously. I told my grandmother to bring me to the gym regularly and that i'll only eat vegan foods. So as a result my grandmother and I will be doing a lot of cooking together. I am excited for that.
Now i'm going to go get recipes for her and email them to her for when i go down to see her. Have a good day. Comments appreciated.

June 11th

Good morning.
 I feel like today is going to be a good day. Yesterday was great as well. Today I have an exam and then I have therapy (which i'm not looking forward to going to). I might hangout with my friend after.
I woke up this morning and showered then ate a bowl of cereal. Since all the cereals were almost empty i combined all of them to fill a bowl. In the mix was Cherrios, Kashi:GOLEAN, and Vanilla Granola with Raisins. I poured Almond Milk into the bowl and had a large orange on  the side. Since i ate I've been listening to music and sitting on facebook trying to find a ride from my "friends" to my exam. I finally found one. I've been debating whether i should purge and get rid of my food. I can't do that because throwing up is proven to cause weight gain eventually. I'd rather starve. I guilt I feel after eating that cereal is incredible. I just wish I could go back and hour or two and delete what I ate. Now i wish i ate oatmeal or just the orange. On the positive note I boosted my metabolism by eating :)
If I pass my exam today i'll be very surprised.
Goal for today: No attitude!! My attitude has become a conscious habit. Any tips on staying positive and not having an attitude? Or maybe not taking things personally. The things with me is I assume people are talking about me. I'm paranoid. If anyone has any tips on keeping positive, confident, and not assuming that'd be very helpful.

June 10th

Today was a good day. I was a little tired and anxious, but it wasn't a bad day. My grandparents are visiting from Pennsylvania and I finally met my mom's new boyfriend. Today I feel lonely because I see them being affectionate and i don't have a boyfriend. Whenever I get close with someone it always goes wrong and I start thinking it's something i've done. Maybe i'm not good enough. Maybe i'm not thin enough. Maybe if i'm thinner i'll be better. If i'm thinner i'll be wanted. I ask am i thin just for reassurance. The first thing i asked my mom's new boyfriend was "do you think i'm fat"? I don't really have that many friends. And i don't really hangout with my "real" friends. I only really enjoy hanging out with guys. I don't know why i don't have that many friends. I'm social and friendly and thin. It must be something deeper. My attitude? Probably. I can't help it. It's a defense mechanism. I'm very emotional and sensitive and when i get hurt i act out with anger and emotions...like an attitude. When i start thinking deep like this a thought comes into my head saying: don't eat. that doesn't matter. focus on your body. And i do focus on my body. And i forgot everything else. And i starve, then workout, then starve, then binge, then cry, then vomit, then cry, then workout, then detox and start over.
School ended on Friday. I have an three exams this week. Then i'm done until September! :)
I'm going to go on Facebook now. I'll post later. Comments appreciated

June 7th

I haven't been near a computer in awhile. My phone broke and now i just go a new one.

My week went somewhat like this:

Sunday - Workout - moderate eating
Monday - Workout - some eating
Tuesday - No workout- binged
Wednesday - Ate breakfast, fasted for the day, ran 3 miles and walked 1 mile
Thursday- Didn't eat much all day until an hour ago. Now i am up to 4500 calories

I feel hopeless. I have no energy. My mood is pretty bad. I can't keep my head up in school. I'm so hungry. I don't know what to do. The veganism is going well, although the starving isn't. Maybe i should take some diet pills at night so i don't binge. I feel like i'm going to put on ten pounds tonight. I feel like i should eat something now...but i won't. I probably won't eat much tomorrow. I found out throwing up could cause weight gain - so i won't do that anymore. I'll check the scale sometime tomorrow. I'm going to hopefully get some diuretics and laxatives this weekend and stronger diet pills. I can't be so hungry and uncomfortable that i'm forced to binge. This has to be easier. Somehow.

May 30th

Group went well. It was slightly boring and I met a lot of new people with depression and suicidal thoughts. I don't have those. I didn't really connect with anyone until I met a girl. A girl with similar issues as me. She's an anorexic. She's all skin and bone. Her name is Natalie. Hopefully i'll get to know her better.

June 4th

Sorry for not posting sooner. I've been busy. This weekend was alternate (gay) prom and junior prom. I went to the gym on Sunday. I'm glad I went, but i didn't feel confident in my workout. I know that it was beneficial to me and weight maintenance. I feel so fat today and my OCD is kicking in. I obviously know i'm not fat and nobody thinks i am. In fact it's the opposite. It's not so much i'm worried about getting fat now, it's me worried about me getting fat in the future. I'm offically vegan. I haven't eaten meat in awhile. Also i started group two weeks ago. It was so boring. I go three times a week. I want out. I'll post again soon. School ends this week then summer vacation