August 16th

I guess a part of me wants to get better because I want to let go; I want to move on and start a new life. I want to support eating disordered people and be a bodybuilder and live to be old and fall in love - but another piece of me doesn't want to get better because what if my injuries don't heal and I can't be a bodybuilder. And what if I don't have time to be a bodybuilder (that makes me anxious because school and work and other things that will have to come first to survive above bodybuilding. How will I make it all happen). I don't wanna recover because maybe I'm afraid to get old because of what constant "What Ifs" in my head and the fear of rejection and love and sex and responsibility. Maybe I want to die so I can stop these racing thoughts. Maybe I don't think I'll make it in the real world; maybe I won't accomplish my dreams without my mother. What if I can't survive without her. So I starve and binge and purge and exercise just to make it better - so none of it matters; just my weight. Maybe if I lose more weight nothing else will matter. I'm basically afraid of the unknown - so control (which in the end becomes a lack of control) takes over and I try so desperately to control everything I can..but I only hurt myself..and I actually like it and want more of it. I'm afraid that maybe my injuries won't heal and I can't be this great bodybuilder and maybe I'm afraid what happens after this life and afraid of the next. I'm afraid of human interactions - afraid of falling in love and disappointing


Things to work on for recover

1. Learn to stop the binging
                  Why am I always hungry
                   Why can't I stop after I indulge when I eat enough

2. Why am I still injured
                    This makes me want to go back to my eating disorder behaviors (lack of hope for healing)

3. Learn to love myself

4. Get well without turning one compulsion for another