July 30th

Today was a great day. I binged last night off of the worst shit imaginable. So obviously that meant I had to starve myself today. Around 6:30 PM I started getting hungry while grocery shopping with my mother.  While in the checkout line I felt like a little kid again, pulling on my mom's shirt asking for candy...except this time I asked for sugarless mint gum. I put a piece of gum in my mouth a chewed; the hunger went away..for now.

"If I wanted to eat today I have to go to the gym," I told myself. So I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill on an incline of 15.0 and a speed of 3.5 for 18 minutes...burning 200 calories. After that I went to the "ab mats" where I worked on my abs and after 20 minutes of that I went home.

As I came home I slipped a piece of gum into my mouth a chewed ravenously. I know I'm going to binge tonight - I'm starving.

So I did eat. I consumed a water bottle, 7 zero calorie pickles with garlic, 1 medium 45 calorie cucumber (with skin) and 1 tablespoon of olive oil, and 1 30 calorie can of mushrooms filled with water and salt. Total calories 210.

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I love my mother to death, but I can't wait to move out. I want to start my own life and settle down with the love of my life. Being around most of the gays I know, that's not likely. Will I ever find someone compatible for me? Maybe I just set my standards too high? Or maybe I'm just too cautious and I want to find someone who's safe. Someone who I know won't hurt me.

But maybe I wanna get hurt; maybe I actually wanna feel something....because if I didn't wanna hurt or feel then I wouldn't be starving and purging and binging and taking diet pills when I know it could kill me. Maybe I want to risk it all. I. am. not. sure. Maybe the "play-it-save" men just make people bored - and I don't want to be bored. I think I want to try and risk it all and fall and get hurt and feel something without torturing myself everyday.