The three days ago I binged..which scared me, so two days ago I starved all day which triggered another binge yesterday.
Today July 28th 2012 I woke up at 11:00 AM and poured myself some Cheerios with 2% milk and stared at it. I ended up dumping it into the garbage.
I didn't eat until 5:00PM (I didn't want to but I was pressured by my mother to eat).
I consumed: A plate of salad containing: lettuce, carrots, tomato, raisins, and other veggies with olive oil. I consumed 1 piece of salmon and another plate of lettuce with a tablespoon of olive oil.
My stomach began to hurt..so I frantically ran to the fridge and saw macaroni salad my mother had made. I felt like I was possessed because I started filling a bowl to the top of this enriched bleached, calorie and carb dense food. I put a teaspoon into my mouth then spat it out and dumped the rest into the garbage. I felt strong and proud that I didn't eat it. I had control.
Eating disordered people will go awhile without eating after fighting the signals your brain is sending you to make you eat. That's right..the human brain sends you signals so you feel ravenous forcing you to eat without stopping. So after you fight those signals and not eating becomes normal, you start to think you can eat again without binging. So then you eat and can't stop.
You have to take it slow. Eat here and there until you can eat normal again.
So after my one-meal-for-the-day, dinner was consumed I felt that rush to hunger to my stomach. I fought it and didn't binge. I was strong. I consumed a lot of water and thought about things to get my mind off of food until my stomach settled. I consumed 620 calories today.
But much deeper than that today I feel like things are finally falling into place. God is sending the right people into my life. I am thankful for that. I want to be in love and I want someone to take care of me. Although right now I don't think is a good time for a relationship in my life. But maybe I need it - for recovery - to see that I'm perfect without trying.
Today July 28th 2012 I woke up at 11:00 AM and poured myself some Cheerios with 2% milk and stared at it. I ended up dumping it into the garbage.
I didn't eat until 5:00PM (I didn't want to but I was pressured by my mother to eat).
I consumed: A plate of salad containing: lettuce, carrots, tomato, raisins, and other veggies with olive oil. I consumed 1 piece of salmon and another plate of lettuce with a tablespoon of olive oil.
My stomach began to hurt..so I frantically ran to the fridge and saw macaroni salad my mother had made. I felt like I was possessed because I started filling a bowl to the top of this enriched bleached, calorie and carb dense food. I put a teaspoon into my mouth then spat it out and dumped the rest into the garbage. I felt strong and proud that I didn't eat it. I had control.
Eating disordered people will go awhile without eating after fighting the signals your brain is sending you to make you eat. That's right..the human brain sends you signals so you feel ravenous forcing you to eat without stopping. So after you fight those signals and not eating becomes normal, you start to think you can eat again without binging. So then you eat and can't stop.
You have to take it slow. Eat here and there until you can eat normal again.
So after my one-meal-for-the-day, dinner was consumed I felt that rush to hunger to my stomach. I fought it and didn't binge. I was strong. I consumed a lot of water and thought about things to get my mind off of food until my stomach settled. I consumed 620 calories today.
But much deeper than that today I feel like things are finally falling into place. God is sending the right people into my life. I am thankful for that. I want to be in love and I want someone to take care of me. Although right now I don't think is a good time for a relationship in my life. But maybe I need it - for recovery - to see that I'm perfect without trying.
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