Weight-In: 128 pounds @ 5'7"
I've been lifting a lot lately trying to put on muscle. The doctors are giving me a deadline to put on weight or I'm being put in residential care (which can last 4-6 months). I've quit the vegan diet and now i'm on the Atkins diet... low carb, high fat, high protein.
Today everything seemed to spiral out of control. After I had been lifting all week and eating average, normal, mediocre, decent - but today I binged off of everything carb.
"Tomorrow I'll go back to eating normally - no carbs," I told myself. "But you haven't been eating normal. You've been eating like a typical, normal, average American.A typical fat and lazy American. You failed your diet and haven't weighed yourself in days...you're slacking. You're a fat failure."
"You're pathetic and fat and disgusting and a failure," I keep telling myself. The one thing I don't want to be and I'm turning into it; A FAILURE.
Today was fine until about 3:00PM. Around 11:00 I woke up, starved until 12:30 and had chicken breasts, applesauce, two Atkins diet chocolate bars, and water.
3:00PM - I consumed more chicken (I was starving), then pasta salad, then more, then more, than peanut butter, then a peanut butter sandwich with jelly...so much jelly.
5:00 PM - Consumed more unnecessary carbs (bowls and bowls of cereal with 2% milk) that probably shot my insulin levels through the roof and caused my body to store fat...or however that works.
9:30 PM - Consumed 10 diet pills
10:15PM - Diet pills aren't enough. I have to do something more. I drank two cups of salt water to induce vomiting since I can't force myself with my fingers. How pathetic right? So after enduring the salt water binge I come to find nothing happened. No vomiting. I had to take this into my own hands. So around 10:20 I run to the toilet, get on my knees and force my two fingers down my throat where I began to make myself vomit. It worked. I'm finally getting good at it. I do it about 10 times until I feel better.
10:30 PM (now) - I am updating my blog. I'm still anxious about gaining weight. Maybe I didn't get rid of all the calories. So now I need to take more diet pills and do continuous repetitions of jumping jacks and jog in place.
I've been lifting a lot lately trying to put on muscle. The doctors are giving me a deadline to put on weight or I'm being put in residential care (which can last 4-6 months). I've quit the vegan diet and now i'm on the Atkins diet... low carb, high fat, high protein.
Today everything seemed to spiral out of control. After I had been lifting all week and eating average, normal, mediocre, decent - but today I binged off of everything carb.
"Tomorrow I'll go back to eating normally - no carbs," I told myself. "But you haven't been eating normal. You've been eating like a typical, normal, average American.A typical fat and lazy American. You failed your diet and haven't weighed yourself in days...you're slacking. You're a fat failure."
"You're pathetic and fat and disgusting and a failure," I keep telling myself. The one thing I don't want to be and I'm turning into it; A FAILURE.
Today was fine until about 3:00PM. Around 11:00 I woke up, starved until 12:30 and had chicken breasts, applesauce, two Atkins diet chocolate bars, and water.
3:00PM - I consumed more chicken (I was starving), then pasta salad, then more, then more, than peanut butter, then a peanut butter sandwich with jelly...so much jelly.
5:00 PM - Consumed more unnecessary carbs (bowls and bowls of cereal with 2% milk) that probably shot my insulin levels through the roof and caused my body to store fat...or however that works.
9:30 PM - Consumed 10 diet pills
10:15PM - Diet pills aren't enough. I have to do something more. I drank two cups of salt water to induce vomiting since I can't force myself with my fingers. How pathetic right? So after enduring the salt water binge I come to find nothing happened. No vomiting. I had to take this into my own hands. So around 10:20 I run to the toilet, get on my knees and force my two fingers down my throat where I began to make myself vomit. It worked. I'm finally getting good at it. I do it about 10 times until I feel better.
10:30 PM (now) - I am updating my blog. I'm still anxious about gaining weight. Maybe I didn't get rid of all the calories. So now I need to take more diet pills and do continuous repetitions of jumping jacks and jog in place.
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