November 29th

I ate as usual today, following my rigid diet that I claim is for bodybuilding, however I believe it is partly for bodybuilding and partly eating disordered. I am hungry now, but I don't want to eat. I'm not anxious about it, I just don't want to. I have thought about purging when I downed 6 candy bars and chips. I only exercised and returned to my "normal" diet.
A few weeks ago I slept over my grandparents house and binged off of an entire half gallon of icecream within 12 hours. I didn't puke, I didn't starve to compensate, however I did exercise compulsively and dieted until my diet felt as if I'd been on it for years. I was ashamed of my binge and refused to see family on thanksgiving, family parties, and dinners. Shame is a very powerful emotion; it isolates you from everything and everyone.
Sometimes I am too ashamed to write this, to admit my binges.

November 10th

Lately I have been isolating myself. When I am surrounded by a group of people I feel alone, different and when I am alone I feel safe. When alone I begin to wonder why I'm alone, why noone reaches out to me, a contradiction between safety and insecurity. I push people away, run from lovers but wonder why I'm alone.  Sometimes I run away to see who will follow and when noone does I believe I'd be better off dead. How dramatic. Without the drama I'd be bored, I'd be dull. I live such a boring life, all alone, in solitude that I need drama. I create my own drama. I pity myself and sulk and complain, "Why me."

Eating disordered people love attention; they crave it. We hookup with strangers for attention, because we want attention to feel secure and because we want to feel good enough. We want to feel wanted. Maybe if we're being fucked, fingers running down the bear boney back we'll be wanted. We don't want to be alone, but yet we isolate ourselves because of fear. Fear of rejection and fear of feeling like an outcast; the reasons why we isolate ourselves in the first place. We hate ourselves for that; why aren't we normal? We trade in all of our pain, insecurity, self loathe, shame, confusion for puking, starving, needles and cigarettes thinking it may teach us to not feel or need. It does though; eating disorders are all about needing, like reassurance and love we need food...or we die.

Eating disorders are simply a way to cope with the dull and painful and lonely parts of life. We create drama to think about something other than other feelings; how fucking pathetic and alone we really are. We need to cope with hating ourselves and feeling worthless. We do; we call ourselves fat and diet down to 300 calories a day until we're in the pantry gorging down everything from candy bars to cereal and ice-cream. We magically appear over a toilet with a glass of water, sink running, shower running, fan on - our procedures for when we are about to vomit up everything we binged off of. We stare into the mirror, bloodshot eyes "fat, fat, fat, you're fat and disgust and pathetic. I hate you," we tell ourselves. We cry because we cannot comprehend hating ourselves. We should be the one loving ourselves unconditionally because nobody in this world will ever love us. We know this and without self-love we have nobody, nothing except a diminishing waistline, uncontrollable heartbeat, and an empty soul.

November 7th

Madness is defined as the state of being mentally ill, esp. severely and extremely foolish behavior. Madness is waking crying, pulling out your hair, throwing a fresh bowl of pasta in garbage because your workout that night wasn't good enough. Madness is skipping school, smoking cigarette after cigarette trying to decide if you want to be recovered, if you want to be well.

Madness is leaving everyone; detaching yourself from society because you're not good enough. You see whispering and think it's about you; you hear voices of insecurity in your head about who you are, how you look. You are mad. You miss dangerously fast pounding of your heart, waiting to explode out of your chest.  Hating yourself, in a way is madness. How can you of all people hate yourself? You do not understand this.

You yell at the mirror, throwing something at it breaking it, "You're pathetic and ugly and gross. Nobody likes you. Faggot. God hates faggots." You cry. The glass falls out of the mirror, you don't have to see yourself now; seven years of bad luck, but it doesn't matter because when you've been this low you do not need luck, nor have you ever had it. This is madness.

Now, an hour later you go to the kitchen, anxious as hell, fill a bowl of something - any food. You take small bites. You hate it but you need to eat - you're a bodybuilder. Bodybuilding for me is a way to recover; it forces me to eat, trading the obsession of thinness for muscle. I need to eat now.  

November 1st

I haven't posted lately..partly because I am doing a lot better. Working out, eating a lot, enjoying life, friends, and family. Today, however, was different. It has been a few months since I've starved, purged, and exercised compulsively. Today I ate 2 apples, some chicken, and wheat pasta with olive oil and veggies (all under or around 1,000 calories). I go to the gym, high off of a preworkout drink, twitching, I run for 9 minutes. Stop. Too tired. I fail. I cry. I leave gym. Buy cigarettes, smoke cigarettes, binge off of 20 candy bars, puke, cry.

I live in a world of sadness and pain and hate and confusion. I provide myself with my own little drama called an eating disorder so I don't have to face reality. I don't have to face confrontation, hatred, and pain. I don't have to deal with criticisms of highschool snobs for my shoes not matching my shirt, and my hair too thick, too thin,, too short, too long. An eating disorder provides me with a way to cope with life; people with eating disorders can't cope or, in my extreme opinion, handle life.

I am working very hard on trying to focus on my feelings and let myself feel emotional pain. An eating disorder is a coping mechanism. It's a way to forget reality. We are deep thinkers - that's why we are eating disordered - we aren't in denial - we don't want to think - we want to forget. We are afraid of everything. We are afraid of living and loving and being happy and being judged and being hated and maybe even being loved. We cheat, lie, run, binge, purge, snort. We are not happy.