Why do I always leave? William and I have been dating for about a month now. It's getting boring for me. I keep distancing myself, not realizing it until I look back and analyze. I think I like the attention he gives me, however I don't think I genuinely like him like I should.I like attention from many people and I like new attention.
New attention is attention I get from someone when we're first meeting. I like the mystery. After awhile, you get to know someone well, and it gets boring. The mystery goes away and their flaws come out. I hate the chase because that means I have to chase them and that means if I'm really interested in them I might get rejected and that would hurt. I do like when they chase after me. I like guys who are popular with the other guys. It makes me feel like when I have them I won - especially when I don't try to get them and they come after me. Eating disordered people are highly competitive- although I'm not aggressively trying to get someone, I present myself a certain way, acting like I don't care. But I do. Although I hate competition I like knowing that I was the one that was chosen.
Now you have them. You won your little game. You've fucked them and realized they aren't as good in bed as you imagined. Now, 6 months in you get to go home to them where they provide for you and hold you in their arms every night, so you begin to push them away. You begin to think, "that was easy." Then you move on. It's all a game.
You hate yourself because of what you do. You don't understand. It might be too much to understand at 18 years old - so the only way to cope is by starving, puking, gorging, and getting high all so you can avoid yourself - the person you understand the least, and hate the most.
But why do I run away when something great comes along? William and I went to an event in Albany on Pearl Street. They had live music and food. I didn't eat although I was starving. I met up with a guy and his friends. His name is Keenon. He's 16 and we met through mutual friends online through the social networking site Facebook. This was our first time meeting. We had been messaging eachother and eventually texting eachother. I met him and was infactuated. I was intrigued. He was tall and mysterious. I haven't stopped thinking about him since that night. What's even worse is he is texting me and I'm supposed to go to his homecoming game this Friday night. He's been calling me throughout the day, everyday since we've met. I find myself fantasizing about being with him. I start thinking things could be better if I was with him instead of Will. I know this isn't true because I'll just leave him. It seems once I'm confident in getting someone and I have them, in love with me, I leave. I leave when things could start getting serious - so they never do.
Will has been good to me. While Keenon and his friends and I were all hanging out and talking it started raining. Will ran in the pouring rain to his car, more than a mile away, and drove back to pick me up so I wouldn't get wet. I felt awful. I hugged Keenon goodbye and left.
New attention is attention I get from someone when we're first meeting. I like the mystery. After awhile, you get to know someone well, and it gets boring. The mystery goes away and their flaws come out. I hate the chase because that means I have to chase them and that means if I'm really interested in them I might get rejected and that would hurt. I do like when they chase after me. I like guys who are popular with the other guys. It makes me feel like when I have them I won - especially when I don't try to get them and they come after me. Eating disordered people are highly competitive- although I'm not aggressively trying to get someone, I present myself a certain way, acting like I don't care. But I do. Although I hate competition I like knowing that I was the one that was chosen.
Now you have them. You won your little game. You've fucked them and realized they aren't as good in bed as you imagined. Now, 6 months in you get to go home to them where they provide for you and hold you in their arms every night, so you begin to push them away. You begin to think, "that was easy." Then you move on. It's all a game.
You hate yourself because of what you do. You don't understand. It might be too much to understand at 18 years old - so the only way to cope is by starving, puking, gorging, and getting high all so you can avoid yourself - the person you understand the least, and hate the most.
But why do I run away when something great comes along? William and I went to an event in Albany on Pearl Street. They had live music and food. I didn't eat although I was starving. I met up with a guy and his friends. His name is Keenon. He's 16 and we met through mutual friends online through the social networking site Facebook. This was our first time meeting. We had been messaging eachother and eventually texting eachother. I met him and was infactuated. I was intrigued. He was tall and mysterious. I haven't stopped thinking about him since that night. What's even worse is he is texting me and I'm supposed to go to his homecoming game this Friday night. He's been calling me throughout the day, everyday since we've met. I find myself fantasizing about being with him. I start thinking things could be better if I was with him instead of Will. I know this isn't true because I'll just leave him. It seems once I'm confident in getting someone and I have them, in love with me, I leave. I leave when things could start getting serious - so they never do.
Will has been good to me. While Keenon and his friends and I were all hanging out and talking it started raining. Will ran in the pouring rain to his car, more than a mile away, and drove back to pick me up so I wouldn't get wet. I felt awful. I hugged Keenon goodbye and left.
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