How can something so innocent become an addiction. How can being ashamed of yourself turn into fucking hating yourself so much. When you hate yourself so much, when you're so lonely the human mind can not comprehend this. You do not understand how you can have everything and yet something is missing. At 18 you can't analyze this; it's too hard. You begin to innocently cut calories to lose weight, because maybe something superficial can give you what you need. That, however, is only in the short term. Cutting calories turns into starving the body. The starving turns into puking, drugs, cigarettes, sex, cheating, lying. It's a way to cope with being gay, being imperfect, hating your flaws. You do not understand. Being lonely is an awful feeling. If you don't understand - how can anyone else? You begin to get close to someone because you are lonely. It's unbearable. You need to fill the void. Maybe that's what will help you recover. Maybe a piece of you doesn't want to recover though; however if you don't, you die. Maybe that's what we want somedays, most days it's not. You getting close to someone doesn't make you feel any less lonely; it in fact makes you more lonely because not being understood by someone that should understand is worse than not being understood and being alone. So we fuck, we leave, we don't call back. We feel nobody understands. We get into relationships for support, reassurance, affection, attention, love; however we cheat because we don't get the reassurance we are looking for. Our views on relationships are fucked up, we are mentally sick. Without this reassurance we are looking for and cannot find, we become lonelier. We cheat, we fuck, we cry, we purge, we leave. We blame then punish ourselves. We want to feel pain because we deserve it.
We smoke a cigarette, go to sleep, wake up, run, eat two eggs, drink a glass of milk, puke, pop 12 diet pills. You forget what normal is. You begin to go insane. People take sanity for granted. Sometimes the crazy person isn't the old woman walking down the street with a shopping cart filled with cans in a plastic garbage bag; it's a boy walking, wearing fur boots on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette waiting until the street is empty so he can go behind a tree a throw up his lunch.
Keeping this a secret makes us lonelier. We hate keeping secrets.. we want to tell, but telling would get us in the hospital. It would be admitting there's a problem - and in the beginning when it's innocent there is no problem - it's good. People look at us and smile because we've lost weight (weight we didn't need to lose - but society is so fucked up that when someone who's already underweight loses more weight, we congratulate them.) After awhile we become sick; 68 pounds and 5 foot 11. People look a way. We become skeletons. We are lonelier than before. Telling isn't an option - at least not right away.
We smoke a cigarette, go to sleep, wake up, run, eat two eggs, drink a glass of milk, puke, pop 12 diet pills. You forget what normal is. You begin to go insane. People take sanity for granted. Sometimes the crazy person isn't the old woman walking down the street with a shopping cart filled with cans in a plastic garbage bag; it's a boy walking, wearing fur boots on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette waiting until the street is empty so he can go behind a tree a throw up his lunch.
Keeping this a secret makes us lonelier. We hate keeping secrets.. we want to tell, but telling would get us in the hospital. It would be admitting there's a problem - and in the beginning when it's innocent there is no problem - it's good. People look at us and smile because we've lost weight (weight we didn't need to lose - but society is so fucked up that when someone who's already underweight loses more weight, we congratulate them.) After awhile we become sick; 68 pounds and 5 foot 11. People look a way. We become skeletons. We are lonelier than before. Telling isn't an option - at least not right away.
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