It's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been attempting to recover.
I've been binging, throwing up, starving, and a lot less of the diet pills and compulsive exercising. I decided for recovery I will stop binging, purging, starving, and exercising to rid my body of calories.
I've been training for a bodybuilding competition. It's been hard keeping the food down. Today I had a mental breakdown at the gym because I couldn't take it. I guess I should be proud for not taking part in eating disorder behaviors. I'm lifting and doing less cardio to bulk up. I've been eating a lot more too. I've already seen new muscle development!! I'm also hiring a Bodybuilding Prep Trainer named Carole. Because of my overtraining injuries awhile ago - the pain is coming back since I'm really getting back to my intense training. I'm hoping with the right amount of training (rather than overtraining), ice, rest, and knee massages I'll get back to painfree training!
I know I can go back to eating disordered ways again at any minute, because I have urges - although I am fighting them. I don't know how long this can or will last. I'm hoping forever. But forever is a long time...and I feel like I'll breakdown and try to lose as much as I can. This has all happened before. Each relapse is worse - each time is a step closer to death. I'll try to hold off from dying for a long time. I'd rather die from a car crash or cancer than an eating disorder. I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO AN EATING DISORDER. I am strong; I am brave; I can do anything I want with the right support and confidence in myself. I can fight this thing I call ANOREXIA NERVOSA.
I've been binging, throwing up, starving, and a lot less of the diet pills and compulsive exercising. I decided for recovery I will stop binging, purging, starving, and exercising to rid my body of calories.
I've been training for a bodybuilding competition. It's been hard keeping the food down. Today I had a mental breakdown at the gym because I couldn't take it. I guess I should be proud for not taking part in eating disorder behaviors. I'm lifting and doing less cardio to bulk up. I've been eating a lot more too. I've already seen new muscle development!! I'm also hiring a Bodybuilding Prep Trainer named Carole. Because of my overtraining injuries awhile ago - the pain is coming back since I'm really getting back to my intense training. I'm hoping with the right amount of training (rather than overtraining), ice, rest, and knee massages I'll get back to painfree training!
I know I can go back to eating disordered ways again at any minute, because I have urges - although I am fighting them. I don't know how long this can or will last. I'm hoping forever. But forever is a long time...and I feel like I'll breakdown and try to lose as much as I can. This has all happened before. Each relapse is worse - each time is a step closer to death. I'll try to hold off from dying for a long time. I'd rather die from a car crash or cancer than an eating disorder. I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO AN EATING DISORDER. I am strong; I am brave; I can do anything I want with the right support and confidence in myself. I can fight this thing I call ANOREXIA NERVOSA.
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