I had an awful weekend. I stayed up at my family's camp for a long weekend with family. There were family feuds and arguments (that I believe if I wasn't there wouldn't have happened) and food...tons and tons of food. Everyday there I consumed meat and carbs (potato salad) and saturated fats and pastries (lemon bars, cupcakes with sugary frosting, and cookies). It was a binge - I couldn't just have one. I also didn't exercise while there. I puked three times. During the fights with my sister over her husband and my uncle about my father and his girlfriend I felt terrible about myself. I looked in the mirror and thought, "No wonder you need to diet and workout and puke and starve and lift and show off your abs...that's all you have. You can't be impressive with pulling family together or healing wounds. You love drama; you like seeing them fight as my uncle and sister fought. Maybe if I wasn't there that would have never happened.
I asked if I was fat and I got the scariest answer. They don't think I'm fat...but they see me as normal. Normal? I'm not normal. All that dieting makes me normal? Working out until my knees give out makes me normal? My uncle jokingly told me I should eat because I deserve to be fat. My sister's husband made someother weight remark picking fun at my obviously self conscious behaviors. I ran to the bathroom and told myself "You are not average, you are beautiful, you are fucking perfect." As the dreaded lake and boating events began I knew my clothes would have to come off at some point. When they did I was surprised how impressed everyone was with my physique. They of course were joking around and being overly enthusiastic about it - but I could tell they were genuine, like friends, strangers, and everyone else that I do have a great body. It might seem average with clothes on...but without clothes it's above that.
I can't manage relationships with friends, family, and lovers...so at least I can diet and workout to have a decent body...but how good is that when they only stare for so long. What happens when something interesting happens and I can't be the center of attention. What will I do? I know...puke maybe. Or maybe when the attention goes away from me I binge off of cookies and cake - which I did. Then I puked.
I asked if I was fat and I got the scariest answer. They don't think I'm fat...but they see me as normal. Normal? I'm not normal. All that dieting makes me normal? Working out until my knees give out makes me normal? My uncle jokingly told me I should eat because I deserve to be fat. My sister's husband made someother weight remark picking fun at my obviously self conscious behaviors. I ran to the bathroom and told myself "You are not average, you are beautiful, you are fucking perfect." As the dreaded lake and boating events began I knew my clothes would have to come off at some point. When they did I was surprised how impressed everyone was with my physique. They of course were joking around and being overly enthusiastic about it - but I could tell they were genuine, like friends, strangers, and everyone else that I do have a great body. It might seem average with clothes on...but without clothes it's above that.
I can't manage relationships with friends, family, and lovers...so at least I can diet and workout to have a decent body...but how good is that when they only stare for so long. What happens when something interesting happens and I can't be the center of attention. What will I do? I know...puke maybe. Or maybe when the attention goes away from me I binge off of cookies and cake - which I did. Then I puked.
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