Hello,
The eating disorder has gotten better. I haven't take diet pills or diuretics in a while. I've been tempted to smoke and buy laxatives. I haven't been compulsive with my cardio (I need to do LOW cardio because I'm bulking for a bodybuilding competition. Bodybuilders can't do cardio often when bulking). I haven't binged or purged much. That's the tricky part right now. And lastly I've been tempted to starve myself, but haven't because I'm bulking.
I spoke to my therapist today. She believes I am confused with what I want. Obviously I'm insecure and figuring everything out. She gave me insight on myself today. I love attention, true. I want a man to give me attention but I want the newness and excitement in the relationship - but yet I want stability and reassurance and love. I push people away to see who will stay and maybe even who won't so I can say "See I told ya...I knew you'd leave." And I'm so lonely and wrapped up in trying to be perfect on the outside that I'm fucking up on the inside...which therefore makes me feel worse because I'm not really perfect. Perfect people are supposed to have a great personality and looks and body. I wonder what makes me attractable to guys. I wonder if I did get a boyfriend if he'd stay faithful and if I'd be his one and only. I know guys are easy to get into bed..so what stops a man from cheating. They're all so easy. Maybe I isolate myself and fuck up every relationship is because I'm just afraid. Afraid of rejection; afraid of commitment; afraid I might actually be happy and start to need. Maybe if I need someone too much they'll have me trapped in a world where they can mess with my head because I'd be vulnerable and in love. Maybe the puking is good for two reasons; one for the obvious reason (to get rid of calories) and the second reason to make the pain and confusion about myself on the inside hurt on the outside too. It's a distraction. Eating disorders are a distraction. It's about control (in my case control over others. Love, rejection, loss). It's about hating yourself so much that maybe if you lose weight or harm yourself until your over a toilet throwing up your own bile - that maybe you'll be distracted from the real issue. In my case the issue is on the inside. My fear of relationships. Cheating, lying, death, leaving, falling. Eating disorders are to escape the bitter, messy part of life that is inevitable. The chores, the failed relationships, the excitement of someone new, death, life, pain, fear, the bills.
So I continue to fuck up things that could be great. Sleeping with people I don't want...just so I can be needed. And feel needed until the next morning when I leave...so I can say "at least they didn't leave me."
The eating disorder has gotten better. I haven't take diet pills or diuretics in a while. I've been tempted to smoke and buy laxatives. I haven't been compulsive with my cardio (I need to do LOW cardio because I'm bulking for a bodybuilding competition. Bodybuilders can't do cardio often when bulking). I haven't binged or purged much. That's the tricky part right now. And lastly I've been tempted to starve myself, but haven't because I'm bulking.
I spoke to my therapist today. She believes I am confused with what I want. Obviously I'm insecure and figuring everything out. She gave me insight on myself today. I love attention, true. I want a man to give me attention but I want the newness and excitement in the relationship - but yet I want stability and reassurance and love. I push people away to see who will stay and maybe even who won't so I can say "See I told ya...I knew you'd leave." And I'm so lonely and wrapped up in trying to be perfect on the outside that I'm fucking up on the inside...which therefore makes me feel worse because I'm not really perfect. Perfect people are supposed to have a great personality and looks and body. I wonder what makes me attractable to guys. I wonder if I did get a boyfriend if he'd stay faithful and if I'd be his one and only. I know guys are easy to get into bed..so what stops a man from cheating. They're all so easy. Maybe I isolate myself and fuck up every relationship is because I'm just afraid. Afraid of rejection; afraid of commitment; afraid I might actually be happy and start to need. Maybe if I need someone too much they'll have me trapped in a world where they can mess with my head because I'd be vulnerable and in love. Maybe the puking is good for two reasons; one for the obvious reason (to get rid of calories) and the second reason to make the pain and confusion about myself on the inside hurt on the outside too. It's a distraction. Eating disorders are a distraction. It's about control (in my case control over others. Love, rejection, loss). It's about hating yourself so much that maybe if you lose weight or harm yourself until your over a toilet throwing up your own bile - that maybe you'll be distracted from the real issue. In my case the issue is on the inside. My fear of relationships. Cheating, lying, death, leaving, falling. Eating disorders are to escape the bitter, messy part of life that is inevitable. The chores, the failed relationships, the excitement of someone new, death, life, pain, fear, the bills.
So I continue to fuck up things that could be great. Sleeping with people I don't want...just so I can be needed. And feel needed until the next morning when I leave...so I can say "at least they didn't leave me."
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