I've been keeping a log of my calories. I log every calorie and food that I eat down in a journal. I feel like the Doctor's don't care about how I feel..and expect me to eat. What if I'm emotionally better starving and purging?
I haven't checked the scale in weeks either. I refuse. I know I've put on muscle, because my muscles are looking bigger. More muscle=higher weight. Higher weight (even though it's good weight) will still put me over the edge and send me back to place that was my darkest place. The place where diet pills were my best friend and spending nights alone in the bathroom over the toilet was my idea of a good time. My darkest place is when eating over 1,000 calories was considered a sin...and anything over was binge. I'm proud to say I am doing much better than I was...but from how I feel now - I don't think it'll ever be O.K. again - like before the eating disorder. At the gym I've hired and bodybuilding coach, Carole, who is working with me not only with my workouts, but nutritionally and also following my eating disorder recovery status. She weighs me and has me close me eyes. My dietitian weighs me too and I step on the scale backwards. I watch them write down in their notepad my weight and I want to so badly snatch it out of their hand and read it - but I can't...I know what it would do to me.
I haven't checked the scale in weeks either. I refuse. I know I've put on muscle, because my muscles are looking bigger. More muscle=higher weight. Higher weight (even though it's good weight) will still put me over the edge and send me back to place that was my darkest place. The place where diet pills were my best friend and spending nights alone in the bathroom over the toilet was my idea of a good time. My darkest place is when eating over 1,000 calories was considered a sin...and anything over was binge. I'm proud to say I am doing much better than I was...but from how I feel now - I don't think it'll ever be O.K. again - like before the eating disorder. At the gym I've hired and bodybuilding coach, Carole, who is working with me not only with my workouts, but nutritionally and also following my eating disorder recovery status. She weighs me and has me close me eyes. My dietitian weighs me too and I step on the scale backwards. I watch them write down in their notepad my weight and I want to so badly snatch it out of their hand and read it - but I can't...I know what it would do to me.
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