I hate missing someone, I hate needing because needing is too much pain, too much missing. I wouldn't want to feel anything.
Why?
Because it's too painful. An eating disorder numbs our emotions. It's a way to say "fuck you" to our feelings; to the world. The puking and starving, in the beginning, teaches us how to not need. We reject food and focus on getting to our goal weight. In the end the puking and starving turns into needing. Everything is a contradiction. The starving leads to the constant hunger pangs that causes a binge. You stuff and gorge and gorge and gorge because in fact you do need. The pains in your side become unbearable. You twitch, you begin to shake. The binging shows that we do need. Like food, we need love- love that we usually run away from because of fear.
It never goes away. When we hurt or need or feel the urges come back. You think about starving until it's unbearable, then you stuff and puke and take laxatives and diuretics and snort cocaine to forget and lose and chainsmoke cigarettes and take diet pills, fat burners, and speed. Speed to keep us awake..because we're afraid if we fall asleep we'll dream about food. We'll dream about needing something so bad when you don't even want it. Food is like love in that way.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
September 27th
I wake up, it's my birthday - I start breakfast, I'm not hungry but I eat anyway. I can only finish half the plate. The rest I put the fridge for later. I'm a bodybuilder now; bodybuilders eat. Everything goes according to plan on my 18th birthday until eight o'clock in the evening. I pour some Cheerios into a bowl, take a bite, dump the rest. I'm starving but if I eat I might purge or cry or both. I think of going back; back to starving, binging, diuretics, cigarettes, appetite suppressants, fat burners, tea and gum instead of food. I think about cocaine, crystal meth, ipecac syrup (which induces vomiting), and laxatives. I think about my irregular heart beat that even now could fail on me. I think about my poor esophagus and ulcers that could for in my stomach from purging. I think about the kidney problems from the diuretics, and the knee problems from compulsive exercise. Lastly I think about how I am 18; I think about my family and friends and my future and I know if I did go back I would die this time, because escaping death the first time was a miracle.
I wonder about my future and that scares me. I think about failure. I think about making so many people unhappy. I think about death and God. I cannot die, because I'm too afraid. I have the will to live and the will to fight for love and life and friends and family. I cannot die now. A piece of me is giving up on everything because a part of me is afraid of life and losing control.
I wonder about my future and that scares me. I think about failure. I think about making so many people unhappy. I think about death and God. I cannot die, because I'm too afraid. I have the will to live and the will to fight for love and life and friends and family. I cannot die now. A piece of me is giving up on everything because a part of me is afraid of life and losing control.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
September 23rd
Why do I always leave? William and I have been dating for about a month now. It's getting boring for me. I keep distancing myself, not realizing it until I look back and analyze. I think I like the attention he gives me, however I don't think I genuinely like him like I should.I like attention from many people and I like new attention.
New attention is attention I get from someone when we're first meeting. I like the mystery. After awhile, you get to know someone well, and it gets boring. The mystery goes away and their flaws come out. I hate the chase because that means I have to chase them and that means if I'm really interested in them I might get rejected and that would hurt. I do like when they chase after me. I like guys who are popular with the other guys. It makes me feel like when I have them I won - especially when I don't try to get them and they come after me. Eating disordered people are highly competitive- although I'm not aggressively trying to get someone, I present myself a certain way, acting like I don't care. But I do. Although I hate competition I like knowing that I was the one that was chosen.
Now you have them. You won your little game. You've fucked them and realized they aren't as good in bed as you imagined. Now, 6 months in you get to go home to them where they provide for you and hold you in their arms every night, so you begin to push them away. You begin to think, "that was easy." Then you move on. It's all a game.
You hate yourself because of what you do. You don't understand. It might be too much to understand at 18 years old - so the only way to cope is by starving, puking, gorging, and getting high all so you can avoid yourself - the person you understand the least, and hate the most.
But why do I run away when something great comes along? William and I went to an event in Albany on Pearl Street. They had live music and food. I didn't eat although I was starving. I met up with a guy and his friends. His name is Keenon. He's 16 and we met through mutual friends online through the social networking site Facebook. This was our first time meeting. We had been messaging eachother and eventually texting eachother. I met him and was infactuated. I was intrigued. He was tall and mysterious. I haven't stopped thinking about him since that night. What's even worse is he is texting me and I'm supposed to go to his homecoming game this Friday night. He's been calling me throughout the day, everyday since we've met. I find myself fantasizing about being with him. I start thinking things could be better if I was with him instead of Will. I know this isn't true because I'll just leave him. It seems once I'm confident in getting someone and I have them, in love with me, I leave. I leave when things could start getting serious - so they never do.
Will has been good to me. While Keenon and his friends and I were all hanging out and talking it started raining. Will ran in the pouring rain to his car, more than a mile away, and drove back to pick me up so I wouldn't get wet. I felt awful. I hugged Keenon goodbye and left.
New attention is attention I get from someone when we're first meeting. I like the mystery. After awhile, you get to know someone well, and it gets boring. The mystery goes away and their flaws come out. I hate the chase because that means I have to chase them and that means if I'm really interested in them I might get rejected and that would hurt. I do like when they chase after me. I like guys who are popular with the other guys. It makes me feel like when I have them I won - especially when I don't try to get them and they come after me. Eating disordered people are highly competitive- although I'm not aggressively trying to get someone, I present myself a certain way, acting like I don't care. But I do. Although I hate competition I like knowing that I was the one that was chosen.
Now you have them. You won your little game. You've fucked them and realized they aren't as good in bed as you imagined. Now, 6 months in you get to go home to them where they provide for you and hold you in their arms every night, so you begin to push them away. You begin to think, "that was easy." Then you move on. It's all a game.
You hate yourself because of what you do. You don't understand. It might be too much to understand at 18 years old - so the only way to cope is by starving, puking, gorging, and getting high all so you can avoid yourself - the person you understand the least, and hate the most.
But why do I run away when something great comes along? William and I went to an event in Albany on Pearl Street. They had live music and food. I didn't eat although I was starving. I met up with a guy and his friends. His name is Keenon. He's 16 and we met through mutual friends online through the social networking site Facebook. This was our first time meeting. We had been messaging eachother and eventually texting eachother. I met him and was infactuated. I was intrigued. He was tall and mysterious. I haven't stopped thinking about him since that night. What's even worse is he is texting me and I'm supposed to go to his homecoming game this Friday night. He's been calling me throughout the day, everyday since we've met. I find myself fantasizing about being with him. I start thinking things could be better if I was with him instead of Will. I know this isn't true because I'll just leave him. It seems once I'm confident in getting someone and I have them, in love with me, I leave. I leave when things could start getting serious - so they never do.
Will has been good to me. While Keenon and his friends and I were all hanging out and talking it started raining. Will ran in the pouring rain to his car, more than a mile away, and drove back to pick me up so I wouldn't get wet. I felt awful. I hugged Keenon goodbye and left.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
September 22nd
Wanting the eating disorder to come back isn't for me to lose weight anymore. I am happier when I am eating and working out. I am happier with my appearance when I am training for something, like a bodybuilding competition or fitness modeling. It's now about what it does to me. I like how the eating disorder serves as a crutch, as an excuse. I try to make everyone think it's only about body image - and I myself am beginning to figure out that it's not. I did a good job making myself believe that it was about something totally different.
During my short few weeks in recovery I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned I am extremely ashamed of my sexuality. It doesn't come off that way though. I'm happy I'm gay but I feel like an outcast because of it. I feel like it's harder to make straight male friends. I'm ashamed of my personality. It's pretty fucking shitty. I hate myself because I need attention and I'm so fucking emotional; I'm so sensitive. I can't keep a relationship, and I treat people like shit.
When you realize you have noone and nothing except a body you begin to cherish it; which becomes a contradiction when you begin to harm your body. In the beginning it isn't harming it, it is helping it. It is making it thinner. Subconsciously it's about escaping reality because dealing with life and growing up and everything you fear and hate about yourself is too painful to deal with. After awhile you realize what you are really doing; except it's too late - you're in too deep and you like what you do to yourself because you're such a shitty person and you think you deserve the pain you inflict on yourself. You begin to think nobody cares so you isolate yourself. What begins to matter is the one thing that you believe won't let you down - your body; but the body, like anything, fails. It begins to turn on you. It fights to stay alive and now everyone hates you including yourself, including your body. You feel even worse because you are losing. Losing life, control (which is the only thing you really have so you how on to), you also lose family and friends.
__________________________________________________________________________
An eating disorder in my opinion is the loneliest disease because you isolate and leave everyone. Soon leaving becomes the only thing you're good at other than starving yourself...but really eating disordered people aren't good at starving because we break down and binge. That's failing. So we do what we're good at: we leave. In some cases we use people for things then leave. We use people for sex because there's nothing better than being used for you're thin, boney body. That for us is reassurance. We are also in control, which we want. Lastly we are getting attention because we love it. We get the attention and intimacy we want, then leave on our terms so we're in control - not them. We get to leave first so we don't get hurt because God-for-bid if we get hurt it's the end of the world. We're weak people who can't handle life, because life is too messy and scary and crazy and if something happens it might send us out of control. Again an eating disorder is a crutch, it's a way to kill ourselves because everything is too overwhelming and confusing and chaotic and out of control. No we can't just put a gun to our heads and pull the trigger- it's too easy, it's too scary.
During my short few weeks in recovery I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned I am extremely ashamed of my sexuality. It doesn't come off that way though. I'm happy I'm gay but I feel like an outcast because of it. I feel like it's harder to make straight male friends. I'm ashamed of my personality. It's pretty fucking shitty. I hate myself because I need attention and I'm so fucking emotional; I'm so sensitive. I can't keep a relationship, and I treat people like shit.
When you realize you have noone and nothing except a body you begin to cherish it; which becomes a contradiction when you begin to harm your body. In the beginning it isn't harming it, it is helping it. It is making it thinner. Subconsciously it's about escaping reality because dealing with life and growing up and everything you fear and hate about yourself is too painful to deal with. After awhile you realize what you are really doing; except it's too late - you're in too deep and you like what you do to yourself because you're such a shitty person and you think you deserve the pain you inflict on yourself. You begin to think nobody cares so you isolate yourself. What begins to matter is the one thing that you believe won't let you down - your body; but the body, like anything, fails. It begins to turn on you. It fights to stay alive and now everyone hates you including yourself, including your body. You feel even worse because you are losing. Losing life, control (which is the only thing you really have so you how on to), you also lose family and friends.
__________________________________________________________________________
An eating disorder in my opinion is the loneliest disease because you isolate and leave everyone. Soon leaving becomes the only thing you're good at other than starving yourself...but really eating disordered people aren't good at starving because we break down and binge. That's failing. So we do what we're good at: we leave. In some cases we use people for things then leave. We use people for sex because there's nothing better than being used for you're thin, boney body. That for us is reassurance. We are also in control, which we want. Lastly we are getting attention because we love it. We get the attention and intimacy we want, then leave on our terms so we're in control - not them. We get to leave first so we don't get hurt because God-for-bid if we get hurt it's the end of the world. We're weak people who can't handle life, because life is too messy and scary and crazy and if something happens it might send us out of control. Again an eating disorder is a crutch, it's a way to kill ourselves because everything is too overwhelming and confusing and chaotic and out of control. No we can't just put a gun to our heads and pull the trigger- it's too easy, it's too scary.
Friday, September 21, 2012
September 21st - part 2
I'm holding on to my eating disorder because it serves as an excuse, as a crutch. When I'm puking, binging, starving, getting high, and dying I have to think about that and only that. I don't have to think about how I mess up relationships, how I'm needy, lonely, ashamed, self loathing, insecure, and how I treat people like shit. When I'm in recovery, like I am now, I find myself thinking more about doing eating disorder behaviors when I don't want to deal with my problems or emotions or feelings or a tough day.
I crave attention. I like being liked...I give people an attitude to make them not like me so they have an excuse not to so I can say "see I'm giving you a reason not to like me." If I didn't give a reason I'd be trying to figure out why people don't like me anyway. It's all a contradiction. An attitude for me is simply a defensive mechanism for getting hurt. When I'm hurt I just give someone an attitude. I become an asshole. All because i''m extremely sensitive and insecure.
Someday I wish I could go back because living with an eating disorder is a lot easier than dealing with life and growing up. An eating disorder for me is also not wanting to grow up and be treated like a typical person. So I regress trying to be that young kid where everything I do and say is cute. Eating disorders make people regress sometimes - another tactic to escape reality.
I crave attention. I like being liked...I give people an attitude to make them not like me so they have an excuse not to so I can say "see I'm giving you a reason not to like me." If I didn't give a reason I'd be trying to figure out why people don't like me anyway. It's all a contradiction. An attitude for me is simply a defensive mechanism for getting hurt. When I'm hurt I just give someone an attitude. I become an asshole. All because i''m extremely sensitive and insecure.
Someday I wish I could go back because living with an eating disorder is a lot easier than dealing with life and growing up. An eating disorder for me is also not wanting to grow up and be treated like a typical person. So I regress trying to be that young kid where everything I do and say is cute. Eating disorders make people regress sometimes - another tactic to escape reality.
September 21st - New
I am working out and feeling better most days, physically. However I do still have urges to purge and starve. Days when I eat more or unhealthier or days when I don't workout or workout "good enough" makes me want to purge and starve even more. I have the urge to purge more than starve, although I still want to starve.
I've been having issues with people lately...everywhere I go. I have this thing where I look at people to see if they look at me and when they do look at me I don't look away..and they keep looking at me- and I don't look away until they look away first. That usually gets into a dirty look contest or they turn to their friends and start whisper and look at me even more. Sometimes they even start laughing. I automatically assume it's about my weight..which makes me want to purge and starve even more. What if they think I'm fat? In reality I know it's not about my weight. I reassure myself because I know I'm not fat. It's something else. But what? Sometimes I think it's about my sexuality - when men anyway. If I'm staring at a straight man and they know I'm gay it might come off as me interested when in reality I'm not.
So I keep staring and get defensive. I turn into this defensive, bitter, angry person who treats everyone like shit all because I'm insecure and afraid that maybe if I don't look that maybe people will look at me with disgust behind my back. I look at myself with disgust anyway. I treat people like shit so they'll have a reason to not like me, rather than me be completely nice and still not be liked. That would hurt more because there really wouldn't be a reason. If there's a reason why someone doesn't like me then maybe it's less pain.
I've been having issues with people lately...everywhere I go. I have this thing where I look at people to see if they look at me and when they do look at me I don't look away..and they keep looking at me- and I don't look away until they look away first. That usually gets into a dirty look contest or they turn to their friends and start whisper and look at me even more. Sometimes they even start laughing. I automatically assume it's about my weight..which makes me want to purge and starve even more. What if they think I'm fat? In reality I know it's not about my weight. I reassure myself because I know I'm not fat. It's something else. But what? Sometimes I think it's about my sexuality - when men anyway. If I'm staring at a straight man and they know I'm gay it might come off as me interested when in reality I'm not.
So I keep staring and get defensive. I turn into this defensive, bitter, angry person who treats everyone like shit all because I'm insecure and afraid that maybe if I don't look that maybe people will look at me with disgust behind my back. I look at myself with disgust anyway. I treat people like shit so they'll have a reason to not like me, rather than me be completely nice and still not be liked. That would hurt more because there really wouldn't be a reason. If there's a reason why someone doesn't like me then maybe it's less pain.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
September 1st - Losing Control
Funny how I think I'm in control. I'm not. I'm losing control. I'm sanity. I'm losing everything.
Losing control is binging off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, crackers, tortilla chips, and a half gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
Losing control is throwing it up after while crying on my aching knees over a toilet.
Losing control is starving the next day despite my irregular heart beats.
Losing control is isolating yourself from the world because you're ashamed of yourself; like eating is a sin.
Losing control is exercising despite your shaking knees.
Losing control is having nightmares of food being forced down your throat.
Losing control is randomly crying when you should be laughing, because your life is just so out of control.
This isn't recovery or relapse...this is losing control.
Losing control is binging off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, crackers, tortilla chips, and a half gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
Losing control is throwing it up after while crying on my aching knees over a toilet.
Losing control is starving the next day despite my irregular heart beats.
Losing control is isolating yourself from the world because you're ashamed of yourself; like eating is a sin.
Losing control is exercising despite your shaking knees.
Losing control is having nightmares of food being forced down your throat.
Losing control is randomly crying when you should be laughing, because your life is just so out of control.
This isn't recovery or relapse...this is losing control.
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