July 12th

So lately  people have been making comments about me looking too thin or losing weight. I don't want to hear any of those comments..it just makes me want to binge. I don't believe they are lying when they tell me I'm losing weight or I look skinnier, but I believe they know I'm suffering with eating issues and they over exaggerate my weight loss. No bitch, I didn't lose 20 pounds I think when my friend's mom makes a comment about my weightloss. It doesn't even look like I've lost 20 pounds and that makes me worried, because if they are over-exaggerating my weight loss than what do they really think? Do they think I'm fat or something. "obviously not," I tell myself. "They know i'm thin. They see it. Everyone sees the weight loss...but it's not as obvious as they're making it seem." There's the reassurance I'm looking for. "No, you're fat. They just want you to think you're thin so you eat and gain weight. They want you to be fat." There it is: the reassurance voice followed by the self loathing voice. I knew that was coming.


Last night was obviously the worst night of my life. It was my carb binge. The binge I refused I'd have. Now there's no way of exercising it off. I'm too tired to exercise. That means starving until I'm confident the food is gone. 1, 2, 3 days? I couldn't possibly starve that long. This morning I registered for the Atkins Diet. It is a low carb diet that will hopefully help me avoid these carb binges and ultimately losing more weight.

Yesterday Karen, my dietitian weighed me at 127. The scale at home reads 123.6. The scale at the gym reads 124. This morning, naked on the scale, it read 115. I smiled and immediately the smile vanished when I realized it's not possible.I AM NOT 115. Yesterday I was 127, now 115? Not possible. What is my real weight? I want to know.