July 31st

Because of yesterday (eating 200 calories) I woke up starving today. I stayed strong until 1:00 PM then binged off of a cucumber (50 calories), 2 cans of tomatoes (180 calories), pickles (0 calories), soup (120 calories), and green beans (40 calories) with olive oil (150 calories). Total: 540 calories for the day.

Then I puked 5 times until I saw the soup and beans and tomatoes and corn that was in the soup. I always have to puke to happy music for some reason.

Not only did I puke to get rid of the calories because I was overcome with anxiety but I realized I was falling for someone. How pathetic. So I cope with feeling pathetic by puking. In a sick, twisted way enduring the pain of gagging myself until throwing up makes me feel better.

And I keep going until I see blood in vomit. Then I stop and shower and brush my teeth and act like nothing happened. I ignore that fact that I feel and I love and I want someone to love me back 

July 30th

Today was a great day. I binged last night off of the worst shit imaginable. So obviously that meant I had to starve myself today. Around 6:30 PM I started getting hungry while grocery shopping with my mother.  While in the checkout line I felt like a little kid again, pulling on my mom's shirt asking for candy...except this time I asked for sugarless mint gum. I put a piece of gum in my mouth a chewed; the hunger went away..for now.

"If I wanted to eat today I have to go to the gym," I told myself. So I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill on an incline of 15.0 and a speed of 3.5 for 18 minutes...burning 200 calories. After that I went to the "ab mats" where I worked on my abs and after 20 minutes of that I went home.

As I came home I slipped a piece of gum into my mouth a chewed ravenously. I know I'm going to binge tonight - I'm starving.

So I did eat. I consumed a water bottle, 7 zero calorie pickles with garlic, 1 medium 45 calorie cucumber (with skin) and 1 tablespoon of olive oil, and 1 30 calorie can of mushrooms filled with water and salt. Total calories 210.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I love my mother to death, but I can't wait to move out. I want to start my own life and settle down with the love of my life. Being around most of the gays I know, that's not likely. Will I ever find someone compatible for me? Maybe I just set my standards too high? Or maybe I'm just too cautious and I want to find someone who's safe. Someone who I know won't hurt me.

But maybe I wanna get hurt; maybe I actually wanna feel something....because if I didn't wanna hurt or feel then I wouldn't be starving and purging and binging and taking diet pills when I know it could kill me. Maybe I want to risk it all. I. am. not. sure. Maybe the "play-it-save" men just make people bored - and I don't want to be bored. I think I want to try and risk it all and fall and get hurt and feel something without torturing myself everyday. 

July 29th - triggers

Today I will list my triggers of my desire for control, perfection, and the need for acceptance

My mother - she always expects more from me than I think I can do. She's my rock and I love her so much, but she pressures me into being ambitious and living a traditional, "normal" life. Since in my mind she's a perfect human being, I think I have to be like her..and it's overwhelming. I resent it. She can manage everything in her life and still be sane. I cant do that. She expects me to associate myself with educated, proper, and classy people - but I can't do that, because life is too messy to be walking around and faking a smile because it's the proper things to do. I want to feel something and be free and love everyone. I want to be with people that will make me happy- not be with people because they're decent, proper, polite people.

My father - For not being there when I need him. He's great a buying things for me, but as far as support.. there is none. As far as trust..there's none. I have always been trying my hardest to impress him and feel loved by him- but he'll always be a selfish, self absorbed, narcissist....and I'll always be dying for acceptance from him; for him to look at me and be genuinely proud of me. He's so judgmental that I feel like I have to do everything right- his way - for him. He complains too much about everything wrong that it seems nothing is right or will ever be right. I just want things to be wrong and for me to still be loved by him.

Society - there's this certain image that society portrays Americans to be. Beautiful hair, long thin legs, chiseled abs, and white teeth. Every human can't be that; it takes too much work. So I try to put in the effort to fit into our society because I feel like an outcast anyway. So I think if I'm beautiful than people will love me more inside and outside. Society also makes fun of anyone who is flawed; I don't want to be made fun of, so I try so desperately to avoid what everyone makes fun of: obesity.

Part 2

10:00 PM - I've had some peanut butter since dinner. It's amazing what several tablespoons of peanut butter can bring your caloric intake to. I'm now up to 1900 calories.

This is still tools according to my nutritionist, but when I see fat people eat less than this it makes me nervous. If they're fat on less calories than me what is preventing me from gaining weight?

I'm very anxious tonight. Why did I get hungry and why did I eat? Hopefully I'll have the energy to workout tomorrow and burn everything off.

11:40 PM - I puked five times. I knew I got rid of the peanut butter because everytime I purged I saw an orange-brown color (like peanut butter).

 Steps to Recovery:

 1. Starting today I will never take another diet pill!!! I will dump them in the garbage. 

July 28th

The three days ago I binged..which scared me, so two days ago I starved all day which triggered another binge yesterday.

Today July 28th 2012 I woke up at 11:00 AM and poured myself some Cheerios with 2% milk and stared at it. I ended up dumping it into the garbage.

I didn't eat until 5:00PM (I didn't want to but I was pressured by my mother to eat).

I consumed: A plate of salad containing: lettuce, carrots, tomato, raisins, and other veggies with olive oil. I consumed 1 piece of salmon and another plate of lettuce with a tablespoon of olive oil.

            My stomach began to hurt..so I frantically ran to the fridge and saw macaroni salad my mother had made. I felt like I was possessed because I started filling a bowl to the top of this enriched bleached, calorie and carb dense food. I put a teaspoon into my mouth then spat it out and dumped the rest into the garbage. I felt strong and proud that I didn't eat it. I had control.

Eating disordered people will go awhile without eating after fighting the signals your brain is sending you to make you eat. That's right..the human brain sends you signals so you feel ravenous forcing you to eat without stopping. So after you fight those signals and not eating becomes normal, you start to think you can eat again without binging. So then you eat and can't stop.

You have to take it slow. Eat here and there until you can eat normal again.

So after my one-meal-for-the-day, dinner was consumed I felt that rush to hunger to my stomach. I fought it and didn't binge. I was strong. I consumed a lot of water and thought about things to get my mind off of food until my stomach settled. I consumed 620 calories today.

But much deeper than that today I feel like things are finally falling into place. God is sending the right people into my life. I am thankful for that. I want to be in love and I want someone to take care of me. Although right now I don't think is a good time for a relationship in my life. But maybe I need it - for recovery - to see that I'm perfect without trying.

June 27th

Summer is the time where high schoolers, like myself, and college students party and stay up late and have summer flings. These are the best days of my life....

     For me they are the worst. I hate summer. I'm a very schedule oriented person. When I don't have order or structure in my life things get out of control. Having everyday to myself makes me more susceptible to binge eating and purging.When school starts I think the binging will stop until a long vacation.

The definition of an eating disorder is:"any of a range of psychological disorders characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits."

                                  This is true for me. I do not believe I have anorexia, because I don't look anorexic (although the doctors believe I am severely underweight). I binge - even though all anorexics binge I feel like I'm the only one- therefore I feel even more like an outcast. People think that anorexics don't eat. Obviously anorexics eat. In fact they starve for awhile, then binge, then eat really healthy while exercising for awhile - maybe vomiting - but mostly they eat small healthy portions. They can become recovered then in the snap of a finger they can relapse due to a "trigger."

What causes an eating disorder? A traumatic event in someone life. For me it was the fact that my father (an athlete) and my mother (a perfect perfectionist) made me believe that they'd only love me if I'm perfect. Which I know isn't true. I can't blame my parents for my problems - or God. I guess I could also say a trigger would be our society. We live in a world where every magazine cover has to have a bodybuilder or stick thin model on it. That's perfect. But whereever you go you see fat people. I think maybe - since I'm a failure at life that if I can get that thin or buff people will like me better

. I work so hard to have abs from training and dieting. But when dieting and training because mentally and physically and emotionally draining you have to do something else to lose weight. So you take pills then smoke then starve and binge and puke and starve. And it becomes an addiction. I feel like if I lost all my control then I'd become a binge eater and become fat.

Eating disorders are about the need for control also. Yes obviously people want to control the outcomes of everything, but we can't. We can't control rejection, hatred, or jealousy. But we can control our weight - and if I can hide all my problems and focus on my weight and controlling it, then I don't really have many problems.

And when you want so badly to be perfect and when you begin to become a walking eating disorder you realize you were perfect before the disorder started - but now you're in too deep and you want out, but you can't because you're too afraid of what you can't control. You're afraid of God and life and rejection and falling in love because you just might get hurt. Then you'd rather die then deal with life, because we (eating disordered people) are weak human beings. So we starve ourselves until heart failure and organ failure hoping we die because we're too weak to just jump off a fucking bridge...all because we want so badly to control. Yes...this is the sad life of an eating disorder person explained.

 

 

Images

I got these messages. One from my friend Gabby via text and one from my other friend via facebook (who I scribbled out her name for her privacy. I scribbled out my last name to protect my privacy.)

.

July 27th

 July 28th

 

July 26th

When I see others eat, especially thin people, I feel tempted to eat..because it makes me know I won't gain weight or get fat. A part of me feels strong and the other part makes me feel like I'm missing out on life.

July 25th - part 2

12:00 PM

I'm not anorexic- look at me; I'm average and gross. I'll never be a beautiful skeleton.

Another carb binge because I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I'm fat and disgusting. I need to lose weight. I need to get to 118. I don't care if I die...I can't keep living like this: starve, binge, exercise, binge, eat normal, eat normal, exercise, binge, starve.

I hope I don't get fat- that's a given but I don't want to fail at life. I want to be perfect. I don't want pity.. I just want to be 10 pounds lighter. Then I'll be happy, maybe?


11:30 PM

After taking 8 diet pills I feel alittle better. I did a few sets of jumping jacks and my hunger vanished shortly after. Tomorrow I will attempt to starve for the day...or just avoid carbs.

I could be with ten other people right now and I'd still feel lonely. I'm always lonely. I just wanna be alone an starve until my weight is so low I could binge off of my favorite ice cream and never get fat. By the way my favorite ice cream is peanut butter cup or moose tracks.

July 25th

I'm ashamed to be me. I am ashamed to be me. I feel judged and pathetic so maybe if I'm thinner that'll hide my flaws and make me more beautiful. Maybe I should starve today..not because I think I'm fat, but because I binged yesterday and I want to avoid getting fat. I wanna be externally beautiful because internally I'm shit.

I'm all alone at the bus station in the city waiting for a bus. For what? The obvious reason: a boy. In this case two boys. It's my fucked up little love story. Im using my mother hard earned money to take a bus to a place where I'm not familiar with. I'm scared and I'm alone. I need a job. I'd work during meal times to avoid eating and hunger pangs.

July 24th

12:00 PM

Last night I cheated on my boyfriend with my friend and his boyfriend. It was a threeway.

I feel awful about it.

I guess I was so vulnerable and lonely and afraid and naive. I liked that they liked my body and saw me as a decent person too.

He touched my body, kissed my abs, and kissed my neck. When he kissed my lips it was magical.

In those moments I felt understood and cherished.

I haven't eaten today. I want to be perfect for them..I can't get fat because they see me as beautiful. But it scares me because I know that he'd love me if I didn't have abs and if I gained 5 more pounds. I can't imagine. How imperfect. How could anyone love that?



2:30 PM

I came home and felt pathetic. I cheated. I lied. I broke a promise. I'm pathetic. So I ate. I ate carbs and more carbs and binged and binged until I felt even worse. I punished myself. I'm pathetic and fat and gross and disgusting. I'm a fat, disgusting whore - a good for nothing fat disgusting whore. I fucked my best friend AND his boyfriend like the whore that I am. I just wanted to prove to myself and to everyone else that I'm confident and sexy and thin. They wanted me because of my body. That's why we fucked...they wanted my body. The perfection I can't even see, they saw. I felt powerful and confident....for an hour.

"God forgive me...I think you know what I've done," I shout.

So after I punish myself with a carb binge I don't take any pills or throw up or exercise. I simply do nothing. I blog and call a friend and read and type. I forget my binge. I'll weigh myself tomorrow...reality tells me I won't gain anything. Today I will enjoy food; tomorrow I will purge (puke, exercise, cry, starve).

July 21st

Weight-In: 128 pounds @ 5'7"

I've been lifting a lot lately trying to put on muscle. The doctors are giving me a deadline to put on weight or I'm being put in residential care (which can last 4-6 months). I've quit the vegan diet and now i'm on the Atkins diet... low carb, high fat, high protein.

Today everything seemed to spiral out of control. After I had been lifting all week and eating average, normal, mediocre, decent - but today I binged off of everything carb.

     "Tomorrow I'll go back to eating normally - no carbs," I told myself. "But you haven't been eating normal. You've been eating like a typical, normal, average American.A typical fat and lazy American. You failed your diet and haven't weighed yourself in days...you're slacking. You're a fat failure."

 "You're pathetic and fat and disgusting and a failure," I keep telling myself. The one thing I don't want to be and I'm turning into it; A FAILURE.

Today was fine until about 3:00PM. Around 11:00 I woke up, starved until 12:30 and had chicken breasts, applesauce, two Atkins diet chocolate bars, and water.

3:00PM - I consumed more chicken (I was starving), then pasta salad, then more, then more, than peanut butter, then a peanut butter sandwich with jelly...so much jelly.

5:00 PM - Consumed more unnecessary carbs (bowls and bowls of cereal with 2% milk) that probably shot my insulin levels through the roof and caused my body to store fat...or however that works.

9:30 PM - Consumed 10 diet pills

10:15PM - Diet pills aren't enough. I have to do something more. I drank two cups of salt water to induce vomiting since I can't force myself with my fingers. How pathetic right? So after enduring the salt water binge I come to find nothing happened. No vomiting. I had to take this into my own hands. So around 10:20 I run to the toilet, get on my knees and force my two fingers down my throat where I began to make myself vomit. It worked. I'm finally getting good at it. I do it about 10 times until I feel better.

10:30 PM (now) - I am updating my blog. I'm still anxious about gaining weight. Maybe I didn't get rid of all the calories. So now I need to take more diet pills and do continuous repetitions of jumping jacks and jog in place. 

July 17th

The past few days I've been lifting weights more-so, like before...and not doing cardio. I've been trying to get my muscle back. I haven't had much anxiety about it - which makes me anxious. What if I'm giving up?

Is this what recovery feels like.....like shit?


I've been eating a lot of tortilla chips, peanut butter, and low fat frozen yogurt

July 15th

Yesterday I stopped my vegan diet and I had salmon last night.

Today I had eggs, frozen yogurt, fruit, and salad.

I'm anxious about the Fat Free, 44g of sugar, 60 g of carbs, and 600 calories.greek frozen yogurt- which tasted like ice cream. I feel like a failure. I wanna purge, run, and die all at the same time. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like anorexics all over the world would be disappointed and disgusted in me. I'm ashamed.

July 14th

Today i start recovery.

Step 1- Admit I have a problem

Step 2- Eat

Step 3- Fight the anxiety

Step 4- Start lifting again


Goal: Get back into my bodybuilding routine.

July 13th

Another Carb binge between 3AM-8:30Am on and off. How pathetic. I'm hungry to the point of binging on 4000 calories of carbohydrates. I'm anxious I will get fat. I have no energy to workout. These posts are becoming predictable. I post for myself..to see improvements.

I have a doctor appointment today. Blood work is being done and I'm getting weighed. My mother took the batteries out of the scale and took the extra batteries with her so I can't use it. I desperately need to know my weight so I know if I've gained or lost. I need to starve for the rest of today and tomorrow.

I signed up for the Atkins diet. Now I need to actually stick with it and avoid carbs.

July 12th

So lately  people have been making comments about me looking too thin or losing weight. I don't want to hear any of those comments..it just makes me want to binge. I don't believe they are lying when they tell me I'm losing weight or I look skinnier, but I believe they know I'm suffering with eating issues and they over exaggerate my weight loss. No bitch, I didn't lose 20 pounds I think when my friend's mom makes a comment about my weightloss. It doesn't even look like I've lost 20 pounds and that makes me worried, because if they are over-exaggerating my weight loss than what do they really think? Do they think I'm fat or something. "obviously not," I tell myself. "They know i'm thin. They see it. Everyone sees the weight loss...but it's not as obvious as they're making it seem." There's the reassurance I'm looking for. "No, you're fat. They just want you to think you're thin so you eat and gain weight. They want you to be fat." There it is: the reassurance voice followed by the self loathing voice. I knew that was coming.


Last night was obviously the worst night of my life. It was my carb binge. The binge I refused I'd have. Now there's no way of exercising it off. I'm too tired to exercise. That means starving until I'm confident the food is gone. 1, 2, 3 days? I couldn't possibly starve that long. This morning I registered for the Atkins Diet. It is a low carb diet that will hopefully help me avoid these carb binges and ultimately losing more weight.

Yesterday Karen, my dietitian weighed me at 127. The scale at home reads 123.6. The scale at the gym reads 124. This morning, naked on the scale, it read 115. I smiled and immediately the smile vanished when I realized it's not possible.I AM NOT 115. Yesterday I was 127, now 115? Not possible. What is my real weight? I want to know.

July 11th - part 2

4:00 pm - I'm told by two different professionals in two days that I'm going die soon. I don't want to die. I don't want to be pitied. I just wanna be thin.

There's a certain feeling in your stomach when you find out you could die soon. It's bittersweet. On one hand you don't want to leave behind everything you love - there's so much to live for. And on the other hand you want to get it over with because waking up everyday and feeling fat and worthless when everyone else doesn't see it is hell. Complete hell. I just want to live and I want to be skinny. Is that too much to want?

God, please, if you love me don't let me die..don't make me fat.

July 11th

8:00AM - Do you know what today is? Today is the aftermath. It's the aftermath of a binge. This is the day when I will spend my day worrying and praying to a God that my body won't store the calories from last nights binge. Something about last nights binge makes me think - that was it, it's over, i'll be fat soon - and it sucks. It makes me want to purge - but I suck at purging so I can't. So instead I pour myself some breakfast consisting of two cups of cheerios and almond milk with a banana: 330 calories. Apparently breakfast is the most important meal of the day; if this is true maybe if I eat breakfast it'll prevent me from binging at night. I won't eat for the rest of the day to compensate for last night...then tomorrow i'll consume under 500 calories and eat all my calories in the morning. Today I weigh 124.

 "Great, you fat ass, you gained .4 pounds. You're a failure, you're pathetic. How could you?" 

Then the angel appears on my other shoulder:"It's okay Dominic, you didn't even gain a pound; remember: YOU ARE UNDERWEIGHT. You are not fat, you will not get fat. You're perfect."

"No. You're not perfect. You are fat and pathetic; you're gross. You gained weight; it might not look like it but the scale doesn't lie. You're FAT, ugly, FAT, pathetic, FAT, gross, FAT!"

10:00 AM - I start doing jumping jacks to burn off something; anything. I guess I am fat. I can't eat for the rest of today. I should be punished. I fail. So I run 4.5 miles up hill, down hill, up hill - because hill running burns more calories - and I to be burning off everything I had last night plus today.

1:02 PM -After watching numerous interviews, documentaries, and reading articles on Marilyn Monroe I realized she's my idol. I am Marilyn Monroe.

Damn it I need a cigarette. I wanna chainsmoke the whole fuckin pack.

So at 9:30PM with hunger pains so bad, unbearable I have another carb binge. 4000 calories. I'm fat. I'm gross. I ate more than a typical person. I'm so fat. 
                

The 10th part 2

well i'm a savage. I eat like a fat ass and yet another binge happens. I'm probably near 4,000 calories for the day and my dinner consists of pasta with olive oil and other carbs. I feel like I'm going to gain weight. Life sucks when you're desperately hungry and dieting.

July 10th

Yesterday after my 1,500 calorie breakfast carb binge I starved for the rest of the day. I am getting better at this starving thing. I feel accomplished.
I met with my new therapist today. Her name is Julie. She's very nice. She told me that I'm underweight, could have heart failure, I could have broken bones, and could eventually die. Bullshit, I thought. That won't happen. I'm not even underweight. I'm average. I hate average because that means I'm not good enough. I'm stupid, average, and ugly. She wants me to be put in residential care in Boston. I don't want to go and might run away if it comes down to it. I have two weeks to get my weight from 123.6 to 140. I know that will not happen. I've worked so hard to get this thin; starved and wasted days with pains of hunger to get this thin.

As I leave her office I see a pale white, skeleton of a girl sitting in the waiting room, weak as hell.
She's perfect and beautiful. She must think I'm fat and gross, because compared to her I'm a fat.

Today ate 100 calories worth of green beans at around 2:30pm. How pathetic..a whole f*cking bag of greenbeans. I'm so fat 

I'm scared to eat at all because if I eat something I'm afraid it'll be turned into fat. Is that how it works? I'm going to brush my teeth now to avoid the temptation of eating. I'm starving - something that I'm ashamed to admit

part 2

 Today I had a huge breakfast to wake me up; give me energy. I tried to purge -but i couldn't. I cried and completed several sets of jumping jacks. "I fail," I tell myself. My life has turned into binging, starving, and attempting to purge. I fail. I need those appetite suppressants my mother dumped...I need salt and water and ipecac syrup. But even more-so I wish I had pain killers to take the pain of being me away. I wish I had cancer or AIDS.
 Is wanting to see my ribs too much to ask for? Is 118 so bad to want?

July 9th

Yesterday was terrible. I started off my morning at 3:30 with an 8 mile run and nothing to eat until 3:30pm. I binged off of carbs, non vegan foods: mayo, yogurt covered pretzels, white bread, etc...
I went to sleep feeling very anxious.
I woke up this morning to binge off more carb filled foods and my weight is the same: 126.6.
I figured that the reason I didn't gain weight was because I've been under eating and I compensated by over eating. I hope this doesn't affect my dieting and weight loss. Today begins the start of my vegan diet. I forgive my sin of eating and will fight the hunger pains by using guilt. I will not eat. I will be 118 by September 1st 2012. I will not let myself binge. I will avoid carbs at all costs.

July 7th

The pain is unbearable. I'm so hungry. I woke up at 6:15 this morning, starving. I got up and rummaged through the fridge, saw the almond milk, and decided I would have cereal (which turned into 3 small bowls - or 1 really large bowl) and a 180 packet of vegan chili. Total: 1040 calorie.Now I'm so depressed. I'm such a failure. I consume more calories in 20 minutes at 6:15am than I should've for the whole day!! For a snack I consumed popcorn. And for lunch I had several mini bagels with peanut butter, jelly, banana, and water. I ran 4 miles to burn off the calories. As I ran I thought to myself, "it'll take more than 4 miles to burn off these calories you fat, stupid, average idiot - you'll gain the weight back. You'll get fat because you suck at dieting. You suck at life."
For dinner I consumed mexican food (that means binging)
I love mexican and until I was stuffed I ate then cried in front of my mother and her boyfriend. He reassured me that he ate more than me....I wasn't convinced, "I'm fat; i'm so fat," I cried out.


This morning I weighed 121
then tonight at 7:30 I weighed 128 in shit, food, and water --- but something about 7 being 7 pounds heavier makes me angry - especially because it's not real. I want to see the real weight. I want 121.

part 2

As I step on the scale at 7:10 pm on July 6th I close my eyes hoping I'll be happy with the honest, truthful scale. 125, 126? I figured I'd be unimpressed. Much to my surprise I weigh 121!! I feel like this is a dream. "Wake up," I tell myself half smiling. Then my half smile turns into a whole smile. I'm awake, I'm alive, I'm thinner. I am beautiful.

Goal: Maintain this weight.
         Lose more weight.

July 6th

Happy Friday. I'm kind of depressed today because I've had this blog since May and I only have 1 follower. Only 1!! Do people not like my blog? Does anyone read my blog? I guess I'm wasting my time typing for noone.

I had two dinners last night. I had so much bread, olive oil and pasta with shrimp. Yes SHRIMP! How non-vegan of me. I realized it wasn't vegan after I overindulged with 6 small pieces of shrimp. I failed the vegan diet and immediately started burning off the shrimp calories by doing jumping jacks right there in the middle of the dining room in front of my mother and her boyfriend, Mike. I didn't care if I looked crazy, I had to burn off those calories.
Today I am fasting. I am avoiding all food and doing jumping jacks and other aerobic exercises throughout the house to burn off any leftover calories from yesterday, while still in my pajamas at 2:30pm.

I feel good about myself today because I actually FEEL thin at 125 pounds. "You're not thin enough," I remind myself. "Don't forget your goal. 118." I can't become to cocky; if I do I might slip and gain weight.

Please comment

Update - July 5th

Update:

I didn't skip dinner

 I had two dinners in fact because as I was at the gym for the 30 minutes I was there I looked into the mirror and saw how pathetic I looked, so I ate until full/satisfied. I didn't binge, but I ate like a typical American. That is scary to me because the typical American is fat and lazy. I'm not fat or lazy but I ate like an average person; I am not average, am I?
So after I ate I wondered if I would gain weight? I thought of buying laxatives but didn't. I feel like I ate too much. I weighed myself today and I was 123.6 pounds. I didn't get too excited because I know I can't keep myself this low. I'll try to starve tomorrow - but most likely I won't be able to.

July 5th

The past two days have been wonderful. Two days ago I fasted and ran 4 miles and yesterday I ate 600 calories in veggie, balsamic vinaigrette, and fruit. I saw fireworks last night and was distracted from hunger by the 4th of July. Today July 5th 2012 is another story and I woke up eating several jelly sandwiches and some had peanut butter - ( the bread and peanut butter was reduced fat and calorie) and Cheerios and almond milk and a huge amount of servings of tortilla chips. I calculated what the calories were and I got 2000. Mate I overestimated, maybe I underestimated? Will I get fat? Will I gain weight? That makes me anxious and now I am going to purge through exercise even though I have no energy. Should I skip dinner? Probably. Can I do it? Probably not.

Untitled

What bothers me is I told myself I would fast today. I'm too weak- I gave in - I ate. I'm scared shitless that I am over 2,000 calories. I'm scared that my metabolism might not be working. So I abuse the over-the-counter diet pills. I call a friend an make plans because I can't stay home with all this food. I decide my diet starts tomorrow. Fast and dieting and portion control and exercise. I set a deadline. I need to be 118 before September 1st

Decisions

I want to be a "house husband" - formally called "house wife" - the husband of woman (or in my case) a man who stays home and cleans and takes care of the house. I would love this job because I could stay home a take care of the house all day. I could stay up late and sleep in. I could have the whole day to myself and all night to my hunny. I would make dinner, go shopping, spend all day exercising and dieting (and the best part is: nobody would know).  I am still attending Nutrition school in January and moving out. Although I want to be a house husband that doesn't mean I won't have an education or i'll marry someone for money. I want and will marry for the right reasons. I want to be in love. I don't want to use anyone or be used by anyone.

I still don't know if I even want to get married.

part 2

It's embarrassing to say: i'm anorexic. I'm not. I'm fat. Anorexics aren't fat.

July 1st

So I guess I am a failure. I binged last night off of rolls and olive oil and peanut butter and jelly. Carbs and fats. GROSS! I'm so fat. I ate and now I have no energy. I'm still drowsy and tired and full but yet still hungry. My body is confused and i'm so afraid i'll end up like a fat person from trying too hard to be too skinny.