I haven't posted lately..partly because I am doing a lot better. Working out, eating a lot, enjoying life, friends, and family. Today, however, was different. It has been a few months since I've starved, purged, and exercised compulsively. Today I ate 2 apples, some chicken, and wheat pasta with olive oil and veggies (all under or around 1,000 calories). I go to the gym, high off of a preworkout drink, twitching, I run for 9 minutes. Stop. Too tired. I fail. I cry. I leave gym. Buy cigarettes, smoke cigarettes, binge off of 20 candy bars, puke, cry.
I live in a world of sadness and pain and hate and confusion. I provide myself with my own little drama called an eating disorder so I don't have to face reality. I don't have to face confrontation, hatred, and pain. I don't have to deal with criticisms of highschool snobs for my shoes not matching my shirt, and my hair too thick, too thin,, too short, too long. An eating disorder provides me with a way to cope with life; people with eating disorders can't cope or, in my extreme opinion, handle life.
I am working very hard on trying to focus on my feelings and let myself feel emotional pain. An eating disorder is a coping mechanism. It's a way to forget reality. We are deep thinkers - that's why we are eating disordered - we aren't in denial - we don't want to think - we want to forget. We are afraid of everything. We are afraid of living and loving and being happy and being judged and being hated and maybe even being loved. We cheat, lie, run, binge, purge, snort. We are not happy.
I live in a world of sadness and pain and hate and confusion. I provide myself with my own little drama called an eating disorder so I don't have to face reality. I don't have to face confrontation, hatred, and pain. I don't have to deal with criticisms of highschool snobs for my shoes not matching my shirt, and my hair too thick, too thin,, too short, too long. An eating disorder provides me with a way to cope with life; people with eating disorders can't cope or, in my extreme opinion, handle life.
I am working very hard on trying to focus on my feelings and let myself feel emotional pain. An eating disorder is a coping mechanism. It's a way to forget reality. We are deep thinkers - that's why we are eating disordered - we aren't in denial - we don't want to think - we want to forget. We are afraid of everything. We are afraid of living and loving and being happy and being judged and being hated and maybe even being loved. We cheat, lie, run, binge, purge, snort. We are not happy.
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