Yesterday after my 1,500 calorie breakfast carb binge I starved for the rest of the day. I am getting better at this starving thing. I feel accomplished.
I met with my new therapist today. Her name is Julie. She's very nice. She told me that I'm underweight, could have heart failure, I could have broken bones, and could eventually die. Bullshit, I thought. That won't happen. I'm not even underweight. I'm average. I hate average because that means I'm not good enough. I'm stupid, average, and ugly. She wants me to be put in residential care in Boston. I don't want to go and might run away if it comes down to it. I have two weeks to get my weight from 123.6 to 140. I know that will not happen. I've worked so hard to get this thin; starved and wasted days with pains of hunger to get this thin.
As I leave her office I see a pale white, skeleton of a girl sitting in the waiting room, weak as hell.
She's perfect and beautiful. She must think I'm fat and gross, because compared to her I'm a fat.
Today ate 100 calories worth of green beans at around 2:30pm. How pathetic..a whole f*cking bag of greenbeans. I'm so fat
I'm scared to eat at all because if I eat something I'm afraid it'll be turned into fat. Is that how it works? I'm going to brush my teeth now to avoid the temptation of eating. I'm starving - something that I'm ashamed to admit
I met with my new therapist today. Her name is Julie. She's very nice. She told me that I'm underweight, could have heart failure, I could have broken bones, and could eventually die. Bullshit, I thought. That won't happen. I'm not even underweight. I'm average. I hate average because that means I'm not good enough. I'm stupid, average, and ugly. She wants me to be put in residential care in Boston. I don't want to go and might run away if it comes down to it. I have two weeks to get my weight from 123.6 to 140. I know that will not happen. I've worked so hard to get this thin; starved and wasted days with pains of hunger to get this thin.
As I leave her office I see a pale white, skeleton of a girl sitting in the waiting room, weak as hell.
She's perfect and beautiful. She must think I'm fat and gross, because compared to her I'm a fat.
Today ate 100 calories worth of green beans at around 2:30pm. How pathetic..a whole f*cking bag of greenbeans. I'm so fat
I'm scared to eat at all because if I eat something I'm afraid it'll be turned into fat. Is that how it works? I'm going to brush my teeth now to avoid the temptation of eating. I'm starving - something that I'm ashamed to admit
i'm going to follow you too :) what's the consequence if you don't put on weight? Can she actually force you into treatment. cuz my general attitude to those people is a big fuck you. Like I'm an adult, i make my own decisions. Fuck those assholes. Good luck with whatever you decide. I am always supportive of people who want to recover, if it's their chose, I think forced recovery is pointless, because as soon as it is over, it's back to bad habits. Xo
ReplyDeleteHey. I know you're a stranger but it hurts to know you call yourself Fat Piggy...especially if you aren't fat. Anyway i'll be 18 in September and they can, even then, put me away in hospitals against my will - unless I flee the state, which is what i'm planning to do: run away.
Deletelol, will - who is also one of anas boys also says so, so he calls me miss piggy :) Keep fighting. Look - what I told my shrink was that this is the only way i know how to love myself and until such time as i figure out how to accept myself with the weight, i can't put on weight. Becayse okay, being thin isn't healthy, but hating yourself is worse. So she made me promise not to lose anymore weight (yeah right) but that she'd drop the recovery shit until we'd been through more therapy. I wear lots of clothes to my sessions, especially if i see my ed specialist. I guess the whole thing is quite pointless actually, but I do find some challenge in trying to outsmart my therapists. fucked up much? Do you know what i mean though? Like maybe bargain with her - you will try your absolute best in therapy, but she needs to give you room to improve without forcing recovery on you. I don't know if this is helpful at all.
DeleteVery helpful!! Thank you. Sometimes a strangers opinion and help is all someone needs!! :D
DeleteAlways here if you need me :) We gotta stick together, cuz most people don't get it. xo
DeleteNobody gets it...especially the parents.
Deletesend me an email and we can exchange facebooks or something
peking25@aim.com