Lately I have been isolating myself. When I am surrounded by a group of people I feel alone, different and when I am alone I feel safe. When alone I begin to wonder why I'm alone, why noone reaches out to me, a contradiction between safety and insecurity. I push people away, run from lovers but wonder why I'm alone. Sometimes I run away to see who will follow and when noone does I believe I'd be better off dead. How dramatic. Without the drama I'd be bored, I'd be dull. I live such a boring life, all alone, in solitude that I need drama. I create my own drama. I pity myself and sulk and complain, "Why me."
Eating disordered people love attention; they crave it. We hookup with strangers for attention, because we want attention to feel secure and because we want to feel good enough. We want to feel wanted. Maybe if we're being fucked, fingers running down the bear boney back we'll be wanted. We don't want to be alone, but yet we isolate ourselves because of fear. Fear of rejection and fear of feeling like an outcast; the reasons why we isolate ourselves in the first place. We hate ourselves for that; why aren't we normal? We trade in all of our pain, insecurity, self loathe, shame, confusion for puking, starving, needles and cigarettes thinking it may teach us to not feel or need. It does though; eating disorders are all about needing, like reassurance and love we need food...or we die.
Eating disorders are simply a way to cope with the dull and painful and lonely parts of life. We create drama to think about something other than other feelings; how fucking pathetic and alone we really are. We need to cope with hating ourselves and feeling worthless. We do; we call ourselves fat and diet down to 300 calories a day until we're in the pantry gorging down everything from candy bars to cereal and ice-cream. We magically appear over a toilet with a glass of water, sink running, shower running, fan on - our procedures for when we are about to vomit up everything we binged off of. We stare into the mirror, bloodshot eyes "fat, fat, fat, you're fat and disgust and pathetic. I hate you," we tell ourselves. We cry because we cannot comprehend hating ourselves. We should be the one loving ourselves unconditionally because nobody in this world will ever love us. We know this and without self-love we have nobody, nothing except a diminishing waistline, uncontrollable heartbeat, and an empty soul.
Eating disordered people love attention; they crave it. We hookup with strangers for attention, because we want attention to feel secure and because we want to feel good enough. We want to feel wanted. Maybe if we're being fucked, fingers running down the bear boney back we'll be wanted. We don't want to be alone, but yet we isolate ourselves because of fear. Fear of rejection and fear of feeling like an outcast; the reasons why we isolate ourselves in the first place. We hate ourselves for that; why aren't we normal? We trade in all of our pain, insecurity, self loathe, shame, confusion for puking, starving, needles and cigarettes thinking it may teach us to not feel or need. It does though; eating disorders are all about needing, like reassurance and love we need food...or we die.
Eating disorders are simply a way to cope with the dull and painful and lonely parts of life. We create drama to think about something other than other feelings; how fucking pathetic and alone we really are. We need to cope with hating ourselves and feeling worthless. We do; we call ourselves fat and diet down to 300 calories a day until we're in the pantry gorging down everything from candy bars to cereal and ice-cream. We magically appear over a toilet with a glass of water, sink running, shower running, fan on - our procedures for when we are about to vomit up everything we binged off of. We stare into the mirror, bloodshot eyes "fat, fat, fat, you're fat and disgust and pathetic. I hate you," we tell ourselves. We cry because we cannot comprehend hating ourselves. We should be the one loving ourselves unconditionally because nobody in this world will ever love us. We know this and without self-love we have nobody, nothing except a diminishing waistline, uncontrollable heartbeat, and an empty soul.
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