Through Recovery - part 1

Recovery sometimes sucks. Last night I had icecream (about a well portioned half cup). It was chocolate chip cookie dough. Not only did I eat it because I saw it sitting in the fridge and it looked good... but I had it to prove I won't gain fat, weight, or lose my six pack abs. I had it to make me stronger. That obviously doesn't mean I'm going to be comfortable eating ice cream on a regular basis, but I tried it - fought through the anxiety - and it's over, done...never to be done again. Obviously ED is still lingering through my blog posts, but it doesn't go away. Today is a back, triceps, and quadriceps day at the gym. After my workout I have an appointment with an eating disorder specialist, nutritional counselor, personal trainer, and bodybuilding prep trainer. It's convenient because she's right there at my gym. I can't wait to work with her and put on some muscle.

I am going to try to not turn this new bodybuilding lifestyle and goal into an unhealthy obsession. I will practice a lot of moderation and balance. This could be the start of reverse anorexia, where people have anxiety if their abs or muscles don't look big enough or perfect enough. I will continue to work with my therapist and dietitian, because getting off track (even when I think I'm better) makes me get off track.

I need to survive this demon to help other eating disordered people survive. I  need to help  ED patients in any possible way. When I was in my most troublesome times I felt I had noone.