Am I being annoying by constantly posting nonsense about myself. I feel selfish. I know my problems aren't that big of problems in the grand scheme of things, but it makes me feel better to write.
Today as you know i had the grapefruit and banana for breakfast and the brown rice, beans, veggies, and guacamole for brunch. And dad and i went to the theme park. I was too tired to go, but i wanted to go without complaining. I wanted to have fun with him. I didn't want to be selfish, because afterall we were having a good day together. I ended up falling asleep there, because i was too tired. I had no energy. So we left and went to a Mexican restaurant. I ordered a chicken dinner without the chicken. It came with a few mini wraps and veggies and refried beans and Mexican rice with guacamole and salsa. That was filling. I felt guilty about the wraps which were made from enriched bleached (white) flour (empty calories). I had 4. They were very small. Dad got a free shot of tequila after dinner. I had a great day with dad and i miss him. I went to group and told them that i feel guilty about not working out as much, because i'm so tired and have no energy from lack of calories. I felt better after leaving group....for a little while. That was my last session at group therapy!!! I'm excited, because i never have to go back to that awful place.
Since i've been home i've had a bowl of Cherrios and raisins..without the Almond milk (to save calories). I had a big bowl. There's only 160 calories in one serving. I might have had 3 servings..plus the raisins. After i ate that i ran upstairs to fill the bowl back up with another bowl full of Cherrios and raisins. I didn't eat it. I took a few Cherrios and decided i didn't want it. I dumped it into the trash. Then i purged.
When i purge i don't think i do it right...but nobody will teach me; and honestly i don't want to ask either. When i do try very little vomit comes up. Sometimes just a drop. Sometimes i just gag and spit comes up. It could be because i don't have a lot of calories in my body or i'm not doing it right... or both? I took some diet pills. I'll take some more before bed. Now i'm looking up reduced fat, reduced calorie foods i can buy. I found peanut butter that only has 100 calories for 2 tablespoons with less than 3 grams of fat. To me that's very impressive.
Tomorrow i leave for Pennsylvania. I'm excited to visit grandma, but i am not excited for the long and uncomfortable drive.
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Goodnight
Today as you know i had the grapefruit and banana for breakfast and the brown rice, beans, veggies, and guacamole for brunch. And dad and i went to the theme park. I was too tired to go, but i wanted to go without complaining. I wanted to have fun with him. I didn't want to be selfish, because afterall we were having a good day together. I ended up falling asleep there, because i was too tired. I had no energy. So we left and went to a Mexican restaurant. I ordered a chicken dinner without the chicken. It came with a few mini wraps and veggies and refried beans and Mexican rice with guacamole and salsa. That was filling. I felt guilty about the wraps which were made from enriched bleached (white) flour (empty calories). I had 4. They were very small. Dad got a free shot of tequila after dinner. I had a great day with dad and i miss him. I went to group and told them that i feel guilty about not working out as much, because i'm so tired and have no energy from lack of calories. I felt better after leaving group....for a little while. That was my last session at group therapy!!! I'm excited, because i never have to go back to that awful place.
Since i've been home i've had a bowl of Cherrios and raisins..without the Almond milk (to save calories). I had a big bowl. There's only 160 calories in one serving. I might have had 3 servings..plus the raisins. After i ate that i ran upstairs to fill the bowl back up with another bowl full of Cherrios and raisins. I didn't eat it. I took a few Cherrios and decided i didn't want it. I dumped it into the trash. Then i purged.
When i purge i don't think i do it right...but nobody will teach me; and honestly i don't want to ask either. When i do try very little vomit comes up. Sometimes just a drop. Sometimes i just gag and spit comes up. It could be because i don't have a lot of calories in my body or i'm not doing it right... or both? I took some diet pills. I'll take some more before bed. Now i'm looking up reduced fat, reduced calorie foods i can buy. I found peanut butter that only has 100 calories for 2 tablespoons with less than 3 grams of fat. To me that's very impressive.
Tomorrow i leave for Pennsylvania. I'm excited to visit grandma, but i am not excited for the long and uncomfortable drive.
Leave comments.
Goodnight
The food you are eating is good healthy stuff. When you skip meals your body is starving. That's why you are weak and tired. Maybe you can't throw up because your body NEEDS the food and WANTS it. Your mind and body are in conflict.
ReplyDeleteI don't know anything about eating disorders but I think you are trying to solve the problem at the body level - exercising, skipping meals, limiting calories. Maybe the problem needs to be solved on the mind level.
Don't give up on talk therapy. It could be very helpful.
Thank you for the post. I've been ptalking with Pastor Bob weekly about it. I like the spiritual "therapy" better than group because in group we can't talk about God...and a lot of what I have to say involves Him.
ReplyDeleteYou are wise beyond your years Dom. I'm so proud of you for facing problems head on. Keep at it. Things will get better.
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