Today was a good day. I was a little tired and anxious, but it wasn't a bad day. My grandparents are visiting from Pennsylvania and I finally met my mom's new boyfriend. Today I feel lonely because I see them being affectionate and i don't have a boyfriend. Whenever I get close with someone it always goes wrong and I start thinking it's something i've done. Maybe i'm not good enough. Maybe i'm not thin enough. Maybe if i'm thinner i'll be better. If i'm thinner i'll be wanted. I ask am i thin just for reassurance. The first thing i asked my mom's new boyfriend was "do you think i'm fat"? I don't really have that many friends. And i don't really hangout with my "real" friends. I only really enjoy hanging out with guys. I don't know why i don't have that many friends. I'm social and friendly and thin. It must be something deeper. My attitude? Probably. I can't help it. It's a defense mechanism. I'm very emotional and sensitive and when i get hurt i act out with anger and emotions...like an attitude. When i start thinking deep like this a thought comes into my head saying: don't eat. that doesn't matter. focus on your body. And i do focus on my body. And i forgot everything else. And i starve, then workout, then starve, then binge, then cry, then vomit, then cry, then workout, then detox and start over.
School ended on Friday. I have an three exams this week. Then i'm done until September! :)
I'm going to go on Facebook now. I'll post later. Comments appreciated
School ended on Friday. I have an three exams this week. Then i'm done until September! :)
I'm going to go on Facebook now. I'll post later. Comments appreciated
Hi Dom. I think blogging is a good idea. I didn't realize you have been doing it for a while. Are you sharing this with others or is it just for you and those you invite to view it?
ReplyDeleteYou really are okay, you know. Its not what's on the outside (fat or thin) that matters, but who you are. You are smart and kind and have so much to give to others. You don't need to starve yourself or work out to be thin in order to be okay. You are already okay. You have always been okay. You are never going to stop being okay. If someone tells you that you are not okay, they are wrong.
Good luck with your exams this week. :)