September 30th

I hate missing someone, I hate needing because needing is too much pain, too much missing. I wouldn't want to feel anything.

Why?

Because it's too painful. An eating disorder numbs our emotions. It's a way to say "fuck you" to our feelings; to the world. The puking and starving, in the beginning, teaches us how to not need. We reject food and focus on getting to our goal weight. In the end the puking and starving turns into needing. Everything is a contradiction. The starving leads to the constant hunger pangs that causes a binge. You stuff and gorge and gorge and gorge because in fact you do need. The pains in your side become unbearable. You twitch, you begin to shake. The binging shows that we do need. Like food, we need love- love that we usually run away from because of fear.

It never goes away. When we hurt or need or feel the urges come back. You think about starving until it's unbearable, then you stuff and puke and take laxatives and diuretics and snort cocaine to forget and lose and chainsmoke cigarettes and take diet pills, fat burners, and speed. Speed to keep us awake..because we're afraid if we fall asleep we'll dream about food. We'll dream about needing something so bad when you don't even want it. Food is like love in that way.