I'm holding on to my eating disorder because it serves as an excuse, as a crutch. When I'm puking, binging, starving, getting high, and dying I have to think about that and only that. I don't have to think about how I mess up relationships, how I'm needy, lonely, ashamed, self loathing, insecure, and how I treat people like shit. When I'm in recovery, like I am now, I find myself thinking more about doing eating disorder behaviors when I don't want to deal with my problems or emotions or feelings or a tough day.
I crave attention. I like being liked...I give people an attitude to make them not like me so they have an excuse not to so I can say "see I'm giving you a reason not to like me." If I didn't give a reason I'd be trying to figure out why people don't like me anyway. It's all a contradiction. An attitude for me is simply a defensive mechanism for getting hurt. When I'm hurt I just give someone an attitude. I become an asshole. All because i''m extremely sensitive and insecure.
Someday I wish I could go back because living with an eating disorder is a lot easier than dealing with life and growing up. An eating disorder for me is also not wanting to grow up and be treated like a typical person. So I regress trying to be that young kid where everything I do and say is cute. Eating disorders make people regress sometimes - another tactic to escape reality.
I crave attention. I like being liked...I give people an attitude to make them not like me so they have an excuse not to so I can say "see I'm giving you a reason not to like me." If I didn't give a reason I'd be trying to figure out why people don't like me anyway. It's all a contradiction. An attitude for me is simply a defensive mechanism for getting hurt. When I'm hurt I just give someone an attitude. I become an asshole. All because i''m extremely sensitive and insecure.
Someday I wish I could go back because living with an eating disorder is a lot easier than dealing with life and growing up. An eating disorder for me is also not wanting to grow up and be treated like a typical person. So I regress trying to be that young kid where everything I do and say is cute. Eating disorders make people regress sometimes - another tactic to escape reality.
No comments:
Post a Comment