Wanting the eating disorder to come back isn't for me to lose weight anymore. I am happier when I am eating and working out. I am happier with my appearance when I am training for something, like a bodybuilding competition or fitness modeling. It's now about what it does to me. I like how the eating disorder serves as a crutch, as an excuse. I try to make everyone think it's only about body image - and I myself am beginning to figure out that it's not. I did a good job making myself believe that it was about something totally different.
During my short few weeks in recovery I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned I am extremely ashamed of my sexuality. It doesn't come off that way though. I'm happy I'm gay but I feel like an outcast because of it. I feel like it's harder to make straight male friends. I'm ashamed of my personality. It's pretty fucking shitty. I hate myself because I need attention and I'm so fucking emotional; I'm so sensitive. I can't keep a relationship, and I treat people like shit.
When you realize you have noone and nothing except a body you begin to cherish it; which becomes a contradiction when you begin to harm your body. In the beginning it isn't harming it, it is helping it. It is making it thinner. Subconsciously it's about escaping reality because dealing with life and growing up and everything you fear and hate about yourself is too painful to deal with. After awhile you realize what you are really doing; except it's too late - you're in too deep and you like what you do to yourself because you're such a shitty person and you think you deserve the pain you inflict on yourself. You begin to think nobody cares so you isolate yourself. What begins to matter is the one thing that you believe won't let you down - your body; but the body, like anything, fails. It begins to turn on you. It fights to stay alive and now everyone hates you including yourself, including your body. You feel even worse because you are losing. Losing life, control (which is the only thing you really have so you how on to), you also lose family and friends.
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An eating disorder in my opinion is the loneliest disease because you isolate and leave everyone. Soon leaving becomes the only thing you're good at other than starving yourself...but really eating disordered people aren't good at starving because we break down and binge. That's failing. So we do what we're good at: we leave. In some cases we use people for things then leave. We use people for sex because there's nothing better than being used for you're thin, boney body. That for us is reassurance. We are also in control, which we want. Lastly we are getting attention because we love it. We get the attention and intimacy we want, then leave on our terms so we're in control - not them. We get to leave first so we don't get hurt because God-for-bid if we get hurt it's the end of the world. We're weak people who can't handle life, because life is too messy and scary and crazy and if something happens it might send us out of control. Again an eating disorder is a crutch, it's a way to kill ourselves because everything is too overwhelming and confusing and chaotic and out of control. No we can't just put a gun to our heads and pull the trigger- it's too easy, it's too scary.
During my short few weeks in recovery I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned I am extremely ashamed of my sexuality. It doesn't come off that way though. I'm happy I'm gay but I feel like an outcast because of it. I feel like it's harder to make straight male friends. I'm ashamed of my personality. It's pretty fucking shitty. I hate myself because I need attention and I'm so fucking emotional; I'm so sensitive. I can't keep a relationship, and I treat people like shit.
When you realize you have noone and nothing except a body you begin to cherish it; which becomes a contradiction when you begin to harm your body. In the beginning it isn't harming it, it is helping it. It is making it thinner. Subconsciously it's about escaping reality because dealing with life and growing up and everything you fear and hate about yourself is too painful to deal with. After awhile you realize what you are really doing; except it's too late - you're in too deep and you like what you do to yourself because you're such a shitty person and you think you deserve the pain you inflict on yourself. You begin to think nobody cares so you isolate yourself. What begins to matter is the one thing that you believe won't let you down - your body; but the body, like anything, fails. It begins to turn on you. It fights to stay alive and now everyone hates you including yourself, including your body. You feel even worse because you are losing. Losing life, control (which is the only thing you really have so you how on to), you also lose family and friends.
__________________________________________________________________________
An eating disorder in my opinion is the loneliest disease because you isolate and leave everyone. Soon leaving becomes the only thing you're good at other than starving yourself...but really eating disordered people aren't good at starving because we break down and binge. That's failing. So we do what we're good at: we leave. In some cases we use people for things then leave. We use people for sex because there's nothing better than being used for you're thin, boney body. That for us is reassurance. We are also in control, which we want. Lastly we are getting attention because we love it. We get the attention and intimacy we want, then leave on our terms so we're in control - not them. We get to leave first so we don't get hurt because God-for-bid if we get hurt it's the end of the world. We're weak people who can't handle life, because life is too messy and scary and crazy and if something happens it might send us out of control. Again an eating disorder is a crutch, it's a way to kill ourselves because everything is too overwhelming and confusing and chaotic and out of control. No we can't just put a gun to our heads and pull the trigger- it's too easy, it's too scary.
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