This blog post is kind of scattered, like me. My thoughts are all over the place. This blog might not make sense.
In my opinion an eating disordered person has a lot of issues with growing up. This might be why we regress. It might, for some people, be the reason for starving; to go back. Then we become children again. We get attention and begin to rely on someone else.
When you grow up attention isn't always going to be on you, unless you do something crazy- which eating disordered people do for publicity. When we do something outrageous and it all goes wrong and we get the publicity we wanted, we crawl in a hole and hibernate. "Pity me. I hate myself. I fucked up. It's my fault. I fail." It's a way to hate yourself. We hate ourselves so much that we find reasons to hate ourselves even more. The pimple, saggy ass, big chin, thick hair, terrible jaw structure. We leave, delete numbers, deactivate Facebook all because we are ashamed of ourselves; ashamed of the publicity we originally wanted. So we try to get forgotten. After awhile, when the publicity dies down, we begin to associate with society again. We begin to act like perfectionists until we get sick of it, because we can't be perfect forever. Acting insane all because we want attention; all because we want to regress. It's all a contradiction. We are not perfect. Then we do something crazy and when everything seems crazy, everything gets crazy. We binge. We purge. We get high. Starving isn't dramatic enough. It doesn't give us publicity.
Eating disorders are about insecurities. We are so fucking ridiculously insecure that we rely on other people for reassurance. Am I good? Was I ok? Do I look ok? Doctors and eating disorder specialists don't encourage this. This type of reassurance that will feed the disordered thinking. Insecurities make us not think we're good enough to succeed, to be committed. We meet guys, we fuck, we leave because we aren't good enough to stay. We might get rejected. We don't think we can compete with the rest of the world. We want to stay but if we do we might get hurt.
We're selfish. It's all about us. We love drama because life is boring. We are often pessimists. We're insecure. We are perfectionist, attention-seeker, competitive, self loathing, anxiety driven, obsessive, and angry. We don't take out our anger out in the world, that's not fair, so we take it out on ourselves and when we've done so much damage to ourselves we take it out on our love interests. We fight, we cheat, we leave. That makes us hate ourselves more because we hate how we treat them; it's so hard to respect someone you're supposed to love, when you don't even respect yourself.
We don't think we're good enough, so we associate being good enough with being thin. We get thinner and thinner until we're nothing because we want so badly to be good enough. To be perfect; to understand ourselves.
In my opinion an eating disordered person has a lot of issues with growing up. This might be why we regress. It might, for some people, be the reason for starving; to go back. Then we become children again. We get attention and begin to rely on someone else.
When you grow up attention isn't always going to be on you, unless you do something crazy- which eating disordered people do for publicity. When we do something outrageous and it all goes wrong and we get the publicity we wanted, we crawl in a hole and hibernate. "Pity me. I hate myself. I fucked up. It's my fault. I fail." It's a way to hate yourself. We hate ourselves so much that we find reasons to hate ourselves even more. The pimple, saggy ass, big chin, thick hair, terrible jaw structure. We leave, delete numbers, deactivate Facebook all because we are ashamed of ourselves; ashamed of the publicity we originally wanted. So we try to get forgotten. After awhile, when the publicity dies down, we begin to associate with society again. We begin to act like perfectionists until we get sick of it, because we can't be perfect forever. Acting insane all because we want attention; all because we want to regress. It's all a contradiction. We are not perfect. Then we do something crazy and when everything seems crazy, everything gets crazy. We binge. We purge. We get high. Starving isn't dramatic enough. It doesn't give us publicity.
Eating disorders are about insecurities. We are so fucking ridiculously insecure that we rely on other people for reassurance. Am I good? Was I ok? Do I look ok? Doctors and eating disorder specialists don't encourage this. This type of reassurance that will feed the disordered thinking. Insecurities make us not think we're good enough to succeed, to be committed. We meet guys, we fuck, we leave because we aren't good enough to stay. We might get rejected. We don't think we can compete with the rest of the world. We want to stay but if we do we might get hurt.
We're selfish. It's all about us. We love drama because life is boring. We are often pessimists. We're insecure. We are perfectionist, attention-seeker, competitive, self loathing, anxiety driven, obsessive, and angry. We don't take out our anger out in the world, that's not fair, so we take it out on ourselves and when we've done so much damage to ourselves we take it out on our love interests. We fight, we cheat, we leave. That makes us hate ourselves more because we hate how we treat them; it's so hard to respect someone you're supposed to love, when you don't even respect yourself.
We don't think we're good enough, so we associate being good enough with being thin. We get thinner and thinner until we're nothing because we want so badly to be good enough. To be perfect; to understand ourselves.
You explained that really well. That last part, though. Will we ever actually understand ourselves?
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