I am working out and feeling better most days, physically. However I do still have urges to purge and starve. Days when I eat more or unhealthier or days when I don't workout or workout "good enough" makes me want to purge and starve even more. I have the urge to purge more than starve, although I still want to starve.
I've been having issues with people lately...everywhere I go. I have this thing where I look at people to see if they look at me and when they do look at me I don't look away..and they keep looking at me- and I don't look away until they look away first. That usually gets into a dirty look contest or they turn to their friends and start whisper and look at me even more. Sometimes they even start laughing. I automatically assume it's about my weight..which makes me want to purge and starve even more. What if they think I'm fat? In reality I know it's not about my weight. I reassure myself because I know I'm not fat. It's something else. But what? Sometimes I think it's about my sexuality - when men anyway. If I'm staring at a straight man and they know I'm gay it might come off as me interested when in reality I'm not.
So I keep staring and get defensive. I turn into this defensive, bitter, angry person who treats everyone like shit all because I'm insecure and afraid that maybe if I don't look that maybe people will look at me with disgust behind my back. I look at myself with disgust anyway. I treat people like shit so they'll have a reason to not like me, rather than me be completely nice and still not be liked. That would hurt more because there really wouldn't be a reason. If there's a reason why someone doesn't like me then maybe it's less pain.
I've been having issues with people lately...everywhere I go. I have this thing where I look at people to see if they look at me and when they do look at me I don't look away..and they keep looking at me- and I don't look away until they look away first. That usually gets into a dirty look contest or they turn to their friends and start whisper and look at me even more. Sometimes they even start laughing. I automatically assume it's about my weight..which makes me want to purge and starve even more. What if they think I'm fat? In reality I know it's not about my weight. I reassure myself because I know I'm not fat. It's something else. But what? Sometimes I think it's about my sexuality - when men anyway. If I'm staring at a straight man and they know I'm gay it might come off as me interested when in reality I'm not.
So I keep staring and get defensive. I turn into this defensive, bitter, angry person who treats everyone like shit all because I'm insecure and afraid that maybe if I don't look that maybe people will look at me with disgust behind my back. I look at myself with disgust anyway. I treat people like shit so they'll have a reason to not like me, rather than me be completely nice and still not be liked. That would hurt more because there really wouldn't be a reason. If there's a reason why someone doesn't like me then maybe it's less pain.
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