July 29th - triggers

Today I will list my triggers of my desire for control, perfection, and the need for acceptance

My mother - she always expects more from me than I think I can do. She's my rock and I love her so much, but she pressures me into being ambitious and living a traditional, "normal" life. Since in my mind she's a perfect human being, I think I have to be like her..and it's overwhelming. I resent it. She can manage everything in her life and still be sane. I cant do that. She expects me to associate myself with educated, proper, and classy people - but I can't do that, because life is too messy to be walking around and faking a smile because it's the proper things to do. I want to feel something and be free and love everyone. I want to be with people that will make me happy- not be with people because they're decent, proper, polite people.

My father - For not being there when I need him. He's great a buying things for me, but as far as support.. there is none. As far as trust..there's none. I have always been trying my hardest to impress him and feel loved by him- but he'll always be a selfish, self absorbed, narcissist....and I'll always be dying for acceptance from him; for him to look at me and be genuinely proud of me. He's so judgmental that I feel like I have to do everything right- his way - for him. He complains too much about everything wrong that it seems nothing is right or will ever be right. I just want things to be wrong and for me to still be loved by him.

Society - there's this certain image that society portrays Americans to be. Beautiful hair, long thin legs, chiseled abs, and white teeth. Every human can't be that; it takes too much work. So I try to put in the effort to fit into our society because I feel like an outcast anyway. So I think if I'm beautiful than people will love me more inside and outside. Society also makes fun of anyone who is flawed; I don't want to be made fun of, so I try so desperately to avoid what everyone makes fun of: obesity.