What is happening???

That's a very good question. My meeting with Carole went well today. She wants me eating more than I currently am now. I ate 5,000 calories today. I guess that's what bodybuilders do. If you want muscle you gotta eat. But now I'm starting to wonder if this is what I really want. What I want right now is to throw up everything I ate today and starve and puke and starve and take diet pills until the pain is gone. When you hate yourself that so much you think you need to harm yourself to become "perfect" is the worst thing that a person can feel. Feeling worthless, like nobody cares. I want to cry. And after my granola bar with plain  greek yogurt and granola on top I blog like people actually rush to their computer to read my posts. At the end of the day it comes down to this: Nobody cares. And for me that's okay...because I turn people not caring into needing and wanting to lose weight. I'm trying so hard to keep the food down.

“This is the very boring part of eating disorders, the aftermath. When you eat and hate that you eat. And yet of course you must eat. You don’t really entertain the notion of going back. You, with some startling new level of clarity, realize that going back would be far worse than simply being as you are. This is obvious to anyone without an eating disorder. This is not always obvious to you.”- Marya Hornbacher