My mother has been gone all day with her boyfriend. They drove out to Rochester to drop off her boyfriend's son for college. I woke up this morning to her gone and she and her boyfriend came back at 8:00 pm. She treats me differently when I'm around her and him - which makes me feel like shit. She is stricter and whenever I act like myself (for example laughing loud or dancing to loud music) she'll give me the look - like I'm in trouble or I should stop. It happened from 8:00 until I couldn't handle it anymore at around 8:45. I consumed my last snack at 8:30. I had a slice of toast with peanut butter and jelly and a small piece of tilapia with tomatoes. She makes me feel self conscious. She makes me feel like I can't be myself...so I walk off and act angry, which gets her mad at me because I can't be angry in front of her boyfriend. Maybe because we're supposed to act perfect in front of him. Maybe I'm not allowed to show emotion...then I cry. Crying is why I was leaving the room. Anger is the coverup. After I'm done crying, I'm still not satisfied- because I feel pathetic and useless and unimportant for two reasons: 1. She's been gone all day with a man and his kids 2. Maybe I'm not important anymore. Maybe him and his kids are her new family. Maybe she has a new happy ending. And what makes me even sadder is that I really don't care. So I puke up the fish and tomatoes and keep going until the toilet water is brown and I taste peanut butter, wheat, and jelly in my mouth. It's a lot easier to engage in self harming behaviors when you have nothing to lose. I have nothing - or so it seems.
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