August 3rd

I was so hungry around 10:00PM that I consumed

5 bowls of icecream
2 egg rolls
Veggies
Mashed potatoes
2 pieces of fish
Peanut butter
And chips

I feel so fat. I failed anorexia.

I look at myself in the mirror and think "you're fat and worthless and disgusting. You're fat and you can't stop eating. You're worthless and fat"

I'm okay with being worthless..but I'm not okay with being fat. I look at myself and cant help but think all my hard work of training will be gone. I'll lose every ab I've dieted for and every workout that last more than 3 hours is now useless.

What if I lose my abs? I can bare it. But even more unbearable than that is that I've finally lost all the control I've ever had. I went two years without eating icecream, 1 year without eggrolls, and 1 year without chips. What if I gain weight and nobody likes me? What if I'm giving up? What if I've stopped caring? Is this what failure feels like?

My biggest fear is losing my chiseled abs and yet I'm eating everything that could possibly ruin them. What's worse is I have control; or at least I thought I did.

I can't predict what will happen tomorrow or the next day. I can't say what I will do tomorrow or if I will eat. I need to take each day as it comes.

I don't know what to say or think. This is too much to bear. I can't put how I'm feeling into words. I wish I could go back and redo this day over. I want to be alone because being around people trigger me to eat..like eating is okay or something.