August 29th - goodnight

My mother has been gone all day with her boyfriend. They drove out to Rochester to drop off her boyfriend's son for college. I woke up this morning to her gone and she and her boyfriend came back at 8:00 pm. She treats me differently when I'm around her and him - which makes me feel like shit. She is stricter and whenever I act like myself (for example laughing loud or dancing to loud music) she'll give me the look - like I'm in trouble or I should stop. It happened from 8:00 until I couldn't handle it anymore at around 8:45. I consumed my last snack at 8:30. I had a slice of toast with peanut butter and jelly and a small piece of tilapia with tomatoes. She makes me feel self conscious. She makes me feel like I can't be myself...so I walk off and act angry, which gets her mad at me because I can't be angry in front of her boyfriend. Maybe because we're supposed to act perfect in front of him. Maybe I'm not allowed to show emotion...then I cry. Crying is why I was leaving the room. Anger is the coverup. After I'm done crying, I'm still not satisfied- because I feel pathetic and useless and unimportant for two reasons: 1. She's been gone all day with a man and his kids 2. Maybe I'm not important anymore. Maybe him and his kids are her new family. Maybe she has a new happy ending. And what makes me even sadder is that I really don't care. So I puke up the fish and tomatoes and keep going until the toilet water is brown and I taste peanut butter, wheat, and jelly in my mouth. It's a lot easier to engage in self harming behaviors when you have nothing to lose. I have nothing - or so it seems.

August 29th - Work On

I am stressed about my senior year of high school and starting college in January. How am I supposed to
do everything I need plus everything I want? I'll have school and work. How will I workout? Maintaining a nice physique because you need to workout often enough, intense enough, and for long enough. You need to eat clean, often, and time every meal. That takes work and time. It seems a lot easier to stay in shape by by starving and purging

August 27th

My bones are brittle, my joints hurt, my gag reflex is sensitive, my overuse injuries still linger, my heart still beats irregularly sometimes (and it scares me), my growth has been stunted, I have constant hunger pangs, and my stomach randomly hurts at times; so no I am not going to have a happy ending...I'm only 18. I wake up everyday feeling the effects of what I've done to my body. My anxiety is still present. My OCD is still very much out of control. Everyday I want to go back because somehow it seems living with an eating disorder is a lot easier than dealing with the reminders and recovery and relapses. Somehow dying seems to be the better alternative. I haven't gone running without pain in months or swam. Even when I am weight lifting I still feel the pain from my knees (even when lifting upper body body parts). I've been through physical therapy and many doctors specializing in bones. I know it's more than overuse and overtraining. What I've done to myself is unforgivable. This is a combination of exercise compulsion and lack of nutrition to make my body function. 

August 26th

I've been keeping a log of my calories. I log every calorie and food that I eat down in a journal. I feel like the Doctor's don't care about how I feel..and expect me to eat. What if I'm emotionally better starving and purging?

I haven't checked the scale in weeks either. I refuse. I know I've put on muscle, because my muscles are looking bigger. More muscle=higher weight. Higher weight (even though it's good weight) will still put me over the edge and send me back to place that was my darkest place. The place where diet pills were my best friend and spending nights alone in the bathroom over the toilet was my idea of a good time. My darkest place is when eating over 1,000 calories was considered a sin...and anything over was binge. I'm proud to say I am doing much better than I was...but from how I feel now - I don't think it'll ever be O.K. again - like before the eating disorder. At the gym I've hired and bodybuilding coach, Carole, who is working with me not only with my workouts, but nutritionally and also following my eating disorder recovery status. She weighs me and has me close me eyes. My dietitian weighs me too and I step on the scale backwards. I watch them write down in their notepad my weight and I want to so badly snatch it out of their hand and read it - but I can't...I know what it would do to me.

August 26th - Family

I had an awful weekend. I stayed up at my family's camp for a long weekend with family. There were family feuds and arguments (that I believe if I wasn't there wouldn't have happened) and food...tons and tons of food. Everyday there I consumed meat and carbs (potato salad) and saturated fats and pastries (lemon bars, cupcakes with sugary frosting, and cookies). It was a binge - I couldn't just have one. I also didn't exercise while there. I puked three times. During the fights with my sister over her husband and my uncle about my father and his girlfriend I felt terrible about myself. I looked in the mirror and thought, "No wonder you need to diet and workout and puke and starve and lift and show off your abs...that's all you have. You can't be impressive with pulling family together or healing wounds. You love drama; you like seeing them fight as my uncle and sister fought. Maybe if I wasn't there that would have never happened.

I asked if I was fat and I got the scariest answer. They don't think I'm fat...but they see me as normal. Normal? I'm not normal. All that dieting makes me normal? Working out until my knees give out makes me normal? My uncle jokingly told me I should eat because I deserve to be fat. My sister's husband made someother weight remark picking fun at my obviously self conscious behaviors. I ran to the bathroom and told myself "You are not average, you are beautiful, you are fucking perfect." As the dreaded lake and boating events began I knew my clothes would have to come off at some point. When they did I was surprised how impressed everyone was with my physique. They of course were joking around and being overly enthusiastic about it - but I could tell they were genuine, like friends, strangers, and everyone else that I do have a great body. It might seem average with clothes on...but without clothes it's above that.

I can't manage relationships with friends, family, and lovers...so at least I can diet and workout to have a decent body...but how good is that when they only stare for so long. What happens when something interesting happens and I can't be the center of attention. What will I do? I know...puke maybe. Or maybe when the attention goes away from me I binge off of cookies and cake - which I did. Then I puked.

August 22nd - Update and Relationships

Hello,


The eating disorder has gotten better. I haven't take diet pills or diuretics in a while. I've been tempted to smoke and buy laxatives. I haven't been compulsive with my cardio (I need to do LOW cardio because I'm bulking for a bodybuilding competition. Bodybuilders can't do cardio often when bulking). I haven't binged or purged much. That's the tricky part right now. And lastly I've been tempted to starve myself, but haven't because I'm bulking.

I spoke to my therapist today. She believes I am confused with what I want. Obviously I'm insecure and figuring everything out. She gave me insight on myself today. I love attention, true. I want a man to give me attention but I want the newness and excitement in the relationship - but yet I want stability and reassurance and love. I push people away to see who will stay and maybe even who won't so I can say "See I told ya...I knew you'd leave." And I'm so lonely and wrapped up in trying to be perfect on the outside that I'm fucking up on the inside...which therefore makes me feel worse because I'm not really perfect. Perfect people are supposed to have a great personality and looks and body. I wonder what makes me attractable to guys. I wonder if I did get a boyfriend if he'd stay faithful and if I'd be his one and only. I know guys are easy to get into bed..so what stops a man from cheating. They're all so easy. Maybe I isolate myself and fuck up every relationship is because I'm just afraid. Afraid of rejection; afraid of commitment; afraid I might actually be happy and start to need. Maybe if I need someone too much they'll have me trapped in a world where they can mess with my head because I'd be vulnerable and in love. Maybe the puking is good for two reasons; one for the obvious reason (to get rid of calories) and the second reason to make the pain and confusion about myself on the inside hurt on the outside too. It's a distraction. Eating disorders are a distraction. It's about control (in my case control over others. Love, rejection, loss). It's about hating yourself so much that maybe if you lose weight or harm yourself until your over a toilet throwing up your own bile - that maybe you'll be distracted from the real issue. In my case the issue is on the inside. My fear of relationships. Cheating, lying, death, leaving, falling. Eating disorders are to escape the bitter, messy part of life that is inevitable. The chores, the failed relationships, the excitement of someone new, death, life, pain, fear, the bills.

So I continue to fuck up things that could be great. Sleeping with people I don't want...just so I can be needed. And feel needed until the next morning when I leave...so I can say "at least they didn't leave me."

August 16th

I guess a part of me wants to get better because I want to let go; I want to move on and start a new life. I want to support eating disordered people and be a bodybuilder and live to be old and fall in love - but another piece of me doesn't want to get better because what if my injuries don't heal and I can't be a bodybuilder. And what if I don't have time to be a bodybuilder (that makes me anxious because school and work and other things that will have to come first to survive above bodybuilding. How will I make it all happen). I don't wanna recover because maybe I'm afraid to get old because of what constant "What Ifs" in my head and the fear of rejection and love and sex and responsibility. Maybe I want to die so I can stop these racing thoughts. Maybe I don't think I'll make it in the real world; maybe I won't accomplish my dreams without my mother. What if I can't survive without her. So I starve and binge and purge and exercise just to make it better - so none of it matters; just my weight. Maybe if I lose more weight nothing else will matter. I'm basically afraid of the unknown - so control (which in the end becomes a lack of control) takes over and I try so desperately to control everything I can..but I only hurt myself..and I actually like it and want more of it. I'm afraid that maybe my injuries won't heal and I can't be this great bodybuilder and maybe I'm afraid what happens after this life and afraid of the next. I'm afraid of human interactions - afraid of falling in love and disappointing


Things to work on for recover

1. Learn to stop the binging
                  Why am I always hungry
                   Why can't I stop after I indulge when I eat enough

2. Why am I still injured
                    This makes me want to go back to my eating disorder behaviors (lack of hope for healing)

3. Learn to love myself

4. Get well without turning one compulsion for another

August 15th

I trained abs hardcore at the gym today, did some biceps, and quads. To end it all I did the stairmaster.

Tonight I binged and threw up and tomorrow I will starve to compensate for whatever happened tonight.

I guess I cheated..because bodybuilders don't binge and purge and starve...bodybuilders suck it up until their next workout. "hey everyone look at me - a joke- a lie. I'm not a bodybuilder. I'm an eating disorder trying to be a bodybuilder. I'm a wannabe. I'll always be an eating disorder.

August 14th

Today is my day off from the gym. I guess everything is looking how it should for a newbie bodybuilder. Muscles are growing and building and everything is perfect normal. But to me everything is not normal. Everything is chaotic. I look in the mirror and stare at my muscles thinking 'you look good. You look like a bodybuilder. You're getting there.' Then I see my thighs. I wonder if my muscle in my thighs in being mistaken for nasty, fatty thighs. I can't trust my own brain and I have no idea if this is reality..so I rely on other people for reassurance. With reassurance I can stay motivated and know that I DO LOOK GREAT; I AM GREAT; I WILL MAKE IT.

The recovery part of the eating disorder is the worst. I never want to eat again, but I have to...I have goals and dreams. And it just so happens that my dreams require me to eat. How ironic.

What is happening???

That's a very good question. My meeting with Carole went well today. She wants me eating more than I currently am now. I ate 5,000 calories today. I guess that's what bodybuilders do. If you want muscle you gotta eat. But now I'm starting to wonder if this is what I really want. What I want right now is to throw up everything I ate today and starve and puke and starve and take diet pills until the pain is gone. When you hate yourself that so much you think you need to harm yourself to become "perfect" is the worst thing that a person can feel. Feeling worthless, like nobody cares. I want to cry. And after my granola bar with plain  greek yogurt and granola on top I blog like people actually rush to their computer to read my posts. At the end of the day it comes down to this: Nobody cares. And for me that's okay...because I turn people not caring into needing and wanting to lose weight. I'm trying so hard to keep the food down.

“This is the very boring part of eating disorders, the aftermath. When you eat and hate that you eat. And yet of course you must eat. You don’t really entertain the notion of going back. You, with some startling new level of clarity, realize that going back would be far worse than simply being as you are. This is obvious to anyone without an eating disorder. This is not always obvious to you.”- Marya Hornbacher

Quotes

“The leap of faith is this: You have to believe, or at least pretend you believe until you really believe it, that you are strong enough to take life face on. Eating disorders, on any level, are a crutch. They are also an addiction and illness, but there is no question at all that they are quite simply a way of avoiding the banal, daily, itchy pain of life. Eating disorders provide a little drama, they feed into the desire for constant excitement, everything becomes life-or-death, everything is terribly grand and crashing, very Sturm and Drang. And they are distracting. You don't have to think about any of the nasty minutiae of the real world, you don't get caught up in that awful boring thing called regular life, with its bills and its breakups and its dishes and laundry and groceries and arguments over whose turn it is to change the litter box and bedtimes and bad sex and all that, because you are having a real drama, not a sitcom but a GRAND EPIC, all by yourself, and why would you bother with those foolish mortals when you could spend hours and hours with the mirror, when you are having the most interesting sado-machistic affair with your own image?”


I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. 

How am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?

 "Every day, every fucking day, you run up the steps of the house, breathing hard, swing open the cupboards, thinking: You pitiful little bitch. Fucking cow. Greedy pig. All day, your stomach pinches and spits up its bile. You sway when you walk. You begin to get cold again." 


Some use (sex as) the limited pleasure it brings as a fleeting reminder that the body can, in fact, feel something, anything, other than hunger. But that, too, backfires, because the desire for sex is a hunger in and of itself.



 The fear, too, is a fear of yourself: a completely dualistic and contradictory fear. On the one hand it is a fear that you do not have what it takes to make it, and on the other hand, a possibly greater fear that you DO have what it takes, and that by definition you therefore also have a responsibility to do something REALLY BIG. It's a little daunting, going out into the world with this state of mind. Most people go out with a general idea that they'll do something or other and that it will be okay. You go out with the certainty that you will be a failure from the outset, or that you will have to do something utterly stellar, which implies the potential for failure anyway. When I was growing up, I always felt there was an expectation that I would do one of two things: be Great at something, or go crazy and become a total failure. There is no middle ground where I came from. And I am only now beginning to get a sense that there is middle ground at all.

Through Recovery - part 1

Recovery sometimes sucks. Last night I had icecream (about a well portioned half cup). It was chocolate chip cookie dough. Not only did I eat it because I saw it sitting in the fridge and it looked good... but I had it to prove I won't gain fat, weight, or lose my six pack abs. I had it to make me stronger. That obviously doesn't mean I'm going to be comfortable eating ice cream on a regular basis, but I tried it - fought through the anxiety - and it's over, done...never to be done again. Obviously ED is still lingering through my blog posts, but it doesn't go away. Today is a back, triceps, and quadriceps day at the gym. After my workout I have an appointment with an eating disorder specialist, nutritional counselor, personal trainer, and bodybuilding prep trainer. It's convenient because she's right there at my gym. I can't wait to work with her and put on some muscle.

I am going to try to not turn this new bodybuilding lifestyle and goal into an unhealthy obsession. I will practice a lot of moderation and balance. This could be the start of reverse anorexia, where people have anxiety if their abs or muscles don't look big enough or perfect enough. I will continue to work with my therapist and dietitian, because getting off track (even when I think I'm better) makes me get off track.

I need to survive this demon to help other eating disordered people survive. I  need to help  ED patients in any possible way. When I was in my most troublesome times I felt I had noone.

August 12th

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I've been attempting to recover.

I've been binging, throwing up, starving, and a lot less of the diet pills and compulsive exercising. I decided for recovery I will stop binging, purging, starving, and exercising to rid my body of calories.

I've been training for a bodybuilding competition. It's been hard keeping the food down. Today I had a mental breakdown at the gym because I couldn't take it. I guess I should be proud for not taking part in eating disorder behaviors. I'm lifting and doing less cardio to bulk up. I've been eating a lot more too. I've already seen new muscle development!! I'm also hiring a Bodybuilding Prep Trainer named Carole. Because of my overtraining injuries awhile ago - the pain is coming back since I'm really getting back to my intense training. I'm hoping with the right amount of training (rather than overtraining), ice, rest, and knee massages I'll get back to painfree training!

I know I can go back to eating disordered ways again at any minute, because I have urges - although I am fighting them. I don't know how long this can or will last. I'm hoping forever. But forever is a long time...and I feel like I'll breakdown and try to lose as much as I can. This has all happened before. Each relapse is worse - each time is a step closer to death. I'll try to hold off from dying for a long time. I'd rather die from a car crash or cancer than an eating disorder. I WILL NOT GIVE IN TO AN EATING DISORDER. I am strong; I am brave; I can do anything I want with the right support and confidence in myself. I can fight this thing I call ANOREXIA NERVOSA. 

August 4th

I bunged this morning at 6:30, because I starved yesterday. I haven't eaten all day.

Step to Recovery: (in this order)

(After I am confident in myself that I've completed each task and it won't happen again, than I will move on to the next)

________________________
1. Never binge again
- portion control

2. Never induce vomiting again

3. Never take diet pills, diuretics, or fat burners again

4. Never starve again
- proper portions
- healthy diet


I will allow:

1 restricting certain foods
2 compulsively exercising


Goal:

1. Fitness Model
2. Bodybuilder (compete)
3. Marathon Runner & Triathlete (eventually..after bodybuilding)
4. Maintain and thin physique BUT ALSO be healthy!!

August 3rd - part 2

I haven't eaten yet today. I am very anxious about last nights binge. I am starving myself today. I keep looking at myself in the mirror and making sure my body is still the same as it was the last time I checked. I keep popping diet pills, which reliefs my anxiety temporarily and makes me shit. Im afraid of losing my thin body, my stomach that sinks in, and my ribs thy stick out.

I've applied to be a volunteer for several eating disorder foundations. I applied to be a mentor, donate, and give awareness. I think surrounding myself with other eating disordered people will give me more support. I also want to help because I don't want anyone to die of an eating disorder ever again. Me on the otherhand- I don't want to become recovered, because I don't want to give up. I don't want to eat. I don't want to gain weight. I especially don't want to get fat.

My goal: Reach my goal weight of 118 by September 1st

August 3rd

I was so hungry around 10:00PM that I consumed

5 bowls of icecream
2 egg rolls
Veggies
Mashed potatoes
2 pieces of fish
Peanut butter
And chips

I feel so fat. I failed anorexia.

I look at myself in the mirror and think "you're fat and worthless and disgusting. You're fat and you can't stop eating. You're worthless and fat"

I'm okay with being worthless..but I'm not okay with being fat. I look at myself and cant help but think all my hard work of training will be gone. I'll lose every ab I've dieted for and every workout that last more than 3 hours is now useless.

What if I lose my abs? I can bare it. But even more unbearable than that is that I've finally lost all the control I've ever had. I went two years without eating icecream, 1 year without eggrolls, and 1 year without chips. What if I gain weight and nobody likes me? What if I'm giving up? What if I've stopped caring? Is this what failure feels like?

My biggest fear is losing my chiseled abs and yet I'm eating everything that could possibly ruin them. What's worse is I have control; or at least I thought I did.

I can't predict what will happen tomorrow or the next day. I can't say what I will do tomorrow or if I will eat. I need to take each day as it comes.

I don't know what to say or think. This is too much to bear. I can't put how I'm feeling into words. I wish I could go back and redo this day over. I want to be alone because being around people trigger me to eat..like eating is okay or something.

August 2nd

I starved all day yesterday...I am so proud. I lay here weak wondering how long I'll be able to go without eating. I'm staying with my friend Tommy for a few days, an hour away from home. Tommy and I walk to store and walk around and as we walk I look at all the food thinking of when I was young and all my favorite foods. I wonder how many calories I burned walking to and from the store with the resistance of caring bags of food. I wish I could be normal...but in life you need to give up some things to have something better.

Today I consumed:

1 50 calorie cucumber
240 calorie worth of cereal
290 calorie vegan burrito
Peanut butter - 1,700 calories
Crackers - 320 calories
Ice cream (2 cups) - 300 calories
Total: 2,640

After I consumed the icecream I ran to the bathroom and puked most of it out. I purged over 8 times on my knees crying wishing I didn't eat the icecream. I smoked a cigarette and drank water. I took 3 diet pills then I burned off the majority of the calories by completing a run/walk exercise. I burned over 500 calories.

Now I need to starve tonight and tomorrow.

I want to be able to live a normal, happy life, so I will admit myself into R
rehab in January 2013

August 1st

Last night I spent the night with my two friends and a guy I met online because I was lonely. I binged off of 4 packs of fudge covered pretzels, a pack of pretzels, and a pack of Ritz crackers with peanut butter. That is 3600 calories. My dietitian tells me I need 4,000. Especially after staying under 700 calories for the past two days and exercising, I'm not worried about the calories I consumed, but moreso worried about the sugar, carbs, fat content in the foods I binged off of.

I feel fat, disgusting, and pathetic. Two days ago I had less than 200 calories and yesterday I had less than 600 calories until I binged around 8PM. My calorie intake probably went into the "normal" calorie range, but it was unhealthy "junk" food - which makes me nervous. My biggest fear is getting rolls or fat or even worse losing my abs and getting a gut. I feel like I lost control. I feel pathetic.

After a binge I want to be alone...but hours or days after a binge I want sex (that is the only time I ever think about sex). Probably because I want people to see my body...so they can reassure me that it's perfect. Maybe it's taking advantage - sleeping with someone to feel like you're worth something - but doesn't everyone use sex as a means to get something? Love, acceptance, or maybe prove a point - that they're good enough, special enough.


Now I need to starve for a few days, again, to compensate for my binge last night - until the bloating goes away and I feel confident with my body, my abs, my appearance.

I threw up this morning...but there was only water and blood. Does that mean those pretzels were metabolized or digested? My thoughts are racing and I want to be alone...forever.

I'm so alone, so maybe if I'm thinner it'll teach me not to need someone and one day when I'm thinner I won't be lonely and I won't need to need someone and I won't need to get hurt, because I'll have it all.

What do you think about this?
Please comment; i'm desperate