May 28th - part 1

I'm Dominic Albano. I am 17 years old. I am also gay. Which has nothing to do with anything. I just thought I would share. This is day one of this blog. I hope to share my story and struggle and get help through people with experience.I was diagnosed with anorexia last year. Sophomore year in high school. Then I found bodybuilding as a sport. Lift, run, and swimming on tuesdays and thursdays and anymore if i could fit it in to my schedule. I hated spinning classes but i had to take them. Also took BodyCombat and kickboxing. But as of February 2012 I got an overtraining injury which leaves me still injured almost 5 months later. I never liked the idea of starving myself. I was too hungry..then i would binge. But finding a sport that i love would keep me eating and building muscle. I gained 20 pounds in a week months - all muscle. Now i'm lost 10. Since i've been injured i stopped eating. I also am in the process of going vegan, because i want my bodyfat percentage to go down. Meat makes me anxious anyway. My body aches. Feels like a fucking nightmare i want to wake up from. Since the injury i've been going light on myself waiting to heal. Being lazy. I've been hospitalized  2 times and am receiving help from many specialists that just want my parents money anyway. Since me being released from the hospital 3 weeks ago I've been starving and being vegan. I'm so hungry. I started puking too. I was then rushed to the emergency room a few nights ago by my friends for taking too many diet pills. I was having bad heart palpitations, nausea, and shaking. Then started vomiting. I wouldn't stop until all the food i ate was gone and bile started coming up. I was hooked up to machines and tubes and my mother was called. Today is Memorial Day. I puked this morning after i ate what seemed like too much fucking food. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (3), granola bar, brown rice, tortilla chips and more refried beans. I puked then took diet pills. Why the fuck am i so hungry. I hate this feeling. I just want a perfect body. I wanna heal and go back to my training at the gym. I don't want to worry about losing my flat abs everytime i eat. Maybe it's me being a perfectionist and narcissistic and superficial, but it is more. It is my insecurity and desire for control. Control of the outcomes of my life. I didn't choose to be gay. I didn't choose to be born. I'm a fuck up and i'm afraid of too much. Fears which turn into anxiety and ocd and anger. Then the anger turns into a bipolar diagnosis. I am afraid of commitment and "gay" sex. I'm afraid to fall in love to get cheated on or hurt. It's not worth it but yet i crave intimacy and attention. I love being wanted. I turn all my confusions about God and death and homosexuality and hatred into a fear of obesity. I've always had a fear of fat. When i was a kid i'd see a fat person and think i don't want to be like that. Then i turned into a free spirited soul who didn't care. But when all my friends came back from summer break from freshmen year into sophomore year i noticed something. They had all gained weight. I didn't want to be the joke at someone elses lunch table about how i gained weight (which i didn't) but still i wanted to avoid that. That turned into an obsession and a fear. Now it's a thrill. Everytime i miss a meal i get excited. I love what it does to me. I love seeing my weight and body fat percentage decrease.